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Advise. What would you do?

(23 Posts)
Cmsmarie87 Tue 03-May-16 14:06:25

Hi All,
Here’s my story, I have been with my fiancé for 5 years, 13 months into our relationship, before we lived together and was engaged I ended our relationship over something stupid to prove a point which I now regret every day. We was split up for a total of 2 weeks. We then got back together, 6 months after moved into our first home and 2 months after got engaged.
Then a year and a half down the line, I bumped into someone I know, we got chatting she used to work with my partner. Anyway she told me that when me and my partner was on a split in Jan 2013 he was at a house party and got a blowie of a work collegue (her friend) I was absolutely heartbroken, she said she felt I deserved to know and that she was extremely shocked when her friend told her as she didn’t think he was like that, she said she never seen him flirt with anyone at work and believed that he was faithful to me throughout our relationship. She said what he done was shitty but it was when we was on a break. She also said it was a one time thing with her friend. I then confronted this girl he got a blowie off as I needed answers before I confronted my partner. She said that it happened around 2 years ago, she said we was on a split, it was in his car, he never asked her to sleep with him and it was a one time thing, she said he told her a week later that we was back together, from then they just became friends and would talk when at work, she said that when they spoke he would say how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have me. she said it just went to being normal after it happened. It was very hard but I forgave him as we wasn’t together at the time and it was 2 years previously

Then another problem in our relationship was when we was living together / enagaged, my partner lost his job, it put pressure on us and we had a row. Now at this time he was playing a game on his phone /internet where everyone over the world can join in and play, he had been playing it for about 6 months, and I also had access to it as it was on the joint ipad. He had been speaking with people in the chat room about the game, he also was speaking to a girl in Washington, we are in the UK, he was speaking to her normally for months about the game, nothing inappropriate, and even mentioned me in passing so she knew he was in a relationship. Then this one particular night after he lost his job, I went to bed, the next morning, I looked at the ipad and there was 30 mins of very innapropriate chat with this girl! She said that she was a lesbian, and he had said things like what a waste he could make her legs wobble, and lucky shes in another country, he then stopped replying after 30 mins, I went absolutely crazy and kicked him out, he moved out for 3 weeks, was extremely sorry and said it was just banter that got out of hand. I then forgave him and he moved back in after 2 months, we worked through it and I choose to believe him because I couldn’t see him phsycially cheating, even though what he did, I class as emotionally cheating. I had support from my family and friends who said that they believe it was just an ego thing

Now 2 years down the line, I am pregnant with our first child, extremely emotional! And these two problems in our relationship have come back to haunt me and I cant stop thinking about them and thinking did I make a mistake forgiving these? are these both cheating and can he be trusted? I could just be feeling like this as im pregnant and emotional
So I’m after advise, just curious to know what others would have done in my relationship, if you think he can be trusted and is this cheating? Also apart from these I have no reason not to trust him
Many thanks

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 03-May-16 14:10:56

Issue 1, yuck but you weren't in a relationship with him, issue 2 double yuck and I would be questioning the relationship over that one.

curren Tue 03-May-16 14:20:12

The first issue is a none issue, imo. You finished with him. It's non of your business who he did what with in that time. I would also question why a person would feel the need to to tell you this.

The second issue is more worrying. However it was 2 years ago, has anything like this happened since? You have the right to leave him for whatever reason you want. But having chose to move past it 2 years ago and gone on to have a child together, I would be working on moving past it.

I think I would have ended it tough.

He did a shitty thing. If it's going to hang over you and you are going to punish him forever for it, it's not a good relationship.

Cmsmarie87 Tue 03-May-16 14:25:25

yes it was two years ago, it was cheating in my eyes even though he didnt leave the house, nothing else since then, im just worried these are actions of a cheater!

SaturdaySurprise Tue 03-May-16 14:48:20

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill here and sound a bit hormonal.

The "blowie" was when you had split up with him and you weren't in a relationship so it's not cheating.

The texting thing was sleazy, but it was a long time ago and you told him that you forgave him for it. I think you need to move on and not let it spoil your relationship or your pregnancy.

TheNaze73 Tue 03-May-16 15:17:52

Saturday has mirrored my exact thoughts. You need to move on

Cmsmarie87 Tue 03-May-16 15:40:15

Saturday and the naze. Would you have forgiven?

curren Tue 03-May-16 15:44:24

I think (can't say 100%) the texting would have made me end it.

But in your position today I would be pursuing help to move past it.

Having decided to move on and have a baby together, I would try my best to actually move on

Cmsmarie87 Tue 03-May-16 15:59:07

Thank u. I really don't understand. He didn't know the girl. She is in another continent. I just don't understand his intentions. I think to maybe get an ego!

Cabrinha Tue 03-May-16 16:11:22

The oral sex: you had finished with him.

The "inappropriate chat" - well, my decision would depend on two things.

1. What the conversation actually was. The one bit you've related might not bother me. I certainly would think someone joking that they could turn a lesbian was very immature and I don't think I could fancy someone like that - but depending on the rest would see it as banter.

2. What exactly you mean by "we worked through it". If you mean that you shouted a lot, he said "sorry babe" and then you both ignored it, then I think there's still a problem because you haven't addressed it at all. If you had in depth conversations about why you thought that was cheating and why he thought it wasn't, then that's better. I don't think you resolved it, because you're relying on your friends' opinions that it was an ego stroke. These things will ALWAYS resurface if not properly dealt with - and no surprise it's come up now you're vulnerable.

My advice: go back to the Washington incident and resolve it properly. Talk through exactly why it is cheating and make sure you trust that he is on the same page as you. Understanding and agreeing not fobbing you off. If he don't talk about it, you know he doesn't care enough about you.

Cmsmarie87 Tue 03-May-16 16:20:46

Bascually the messages said that she was a lesbian, he said what a waste, I could make your legs wobble, he also said if you was here I would b in trouble. He ask so said she got him excited and he also said the filth falls out of her mouth he loves it and he wanted to come there and make her squeal sad
Breaks my heart. He said it was banter I don't see it as that at all
She's in another country and he spoke to her for months perfectly fine nothing in appropriate then that one night of 30 min chat sad

Cabrinha Tue 03-May-16 16:32:03

Yes, but in what way did you (or rather HE) work on it at the time?
Did you resolve anything then?

Cmsmarie87 Tue 03-May-16 16:40:08

I explained how hurt I was and explained that that this was his one mistake. I explained that I felt it was cheating and explained that I have forgiven because it wasn't physicall however still cheating. At first he didn't think it was cheating said more wrong and in appropriate then after 3 weeks of emotional upset and break up he said he realised it was cheating and would b heartbroken if other way round. So he realised his actions and what damage it caused us.

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-16 16:41:04

The first one is nasty but not cheating

The second one is cheating even if they are in different countries. He is getting sexual kicks outside of your relationship

I would dump him

Jan45 Tue 03-May-16 16:56:43

First one no, as on a break, the second more serious in my eyes, he certainly did cheat on you albeit without actual touching.

hownottofuckup Tue 03-May-16 17:01:50

I think really you chose to forgive him at the time, to the extent you agreed to share a home, get married an have a baby?
Are you sure this isn't hormones or have you always felt uneasy about those decisions?

hownottofuckup Tue 03-May-16 17:04:09

*sorry that makes no sense! Please ignore the 'I really think' part confused

Cmsmarie87 Tue 03-May-16 17:04:53

More so now cause of hormones. I want to b with him but I always felt so hurt by the messages. I also feel hurt by the bj as that's physciall with a person he can have contact with

momb Tue 03-May-16 17:08:20

1) You had finished the relationship. She was rebound. Let it go.

2) He was flirting with a girl on another continent who told him that she was a lesbian and not interested. I'd say that if this is the extent of his flirting he's not much of a flight risk.

AnyFucker Tue 03-May-16 17:17:57

if the "girl" being on another continent is the only reason he's not a "flight risk" then he's not much of a keeper, is he ?

Thank God I don't measure the trustworthiness of my menfolk with that particular yardstick

goddessofsmallthings Tue 03-May-16 17:30:11

What Saturday, Naze and momb have said.

The first came about because you'd ended your then relationship with him; the second seems to have a been a temporary aberration of short duration which took place 2 years ago and, as you've moved on since then, it belongs in the box marked 'done and dusted'

Smorgasboard Tue 03-May-16 18:00:24

I wonder if there is a pattern to his behaviour? That being that when he is feeling sad about things or life gets tough, he seeks solace elsewhere.
There are also 2 sides to every coin, so I'm also wondering how you responded to his job loss.
You reacted quite strongly on 2 occasions to his actions, yet both times took him back, that suggests that you go with your initial gut emotional reaction but change your mind after thinking things through. Perhaps some more thought is required than a straight leave him, especially now there is your child to consider. If your long term feeling is that you should separate, that is probably the thing to do. You could give it time and re-asses things after your baby is born, as you may change your mind then. As you say, your hormones may be getting the better of your emotions at the moment and you have acted twice already when emotions were high, then regretted it.
BTW, for me, the 2nd one, while not good, was never in a million years going to lead to anything, so I would not class it as cheating, but would class it as highly disrespectful to you at the time. While it would be a line crossed for someone without many ties, it also has some weighing up against your current situation. If he is of dubious, weak character, in time he will repeat other indiscretions and then you will have a clear answer.

curren Tue 03-May-16 20:18:28

* I also feel hurt by the bj as that's physciall with a person he can have contact with*

You finished the relationship. You have no right to tell him, what he can and can't do when you have broken up with him.

I think holding that against him is fairly crappy behaviour. You ended the relationship to prove a point and it back fired.

The texting isn't great. But since you decided to move on I think it would extremely unfair to walk away now because of a mistake 2 years ago. But that's your choice. Holding things against him for years isn't going to make either of you happy and won't make you me baby happy either.

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