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He's gone tepid, cut my losses?

(177 Posts)
cherrybomme Tue 03-May-16 00:08:34

Hi I've been dating a guy for a few months. He pursued me, we hit it off, I shagged him v early in the proceedings because I had the horn!
He carried on pursuing me, v regular contact, unexpected phone calls, soppy message, always treating me to meals etc.(I did reciprocate in terms of meals as well)
He works away a lot, after I've spent time with him we'd always be texting etc but the last couple of weeks he went quite cold, said he'd ring but didn't and ignoring my messages for days and days (longest has been five days)
He always initiates contact but sometimes when I respond he just ignores my repsonse
So I called him out on it last week as was pissed off he said he'd phone but didn't all week and ignored my messages
I asked him if he was not interested because if so I'd rather cut my losses
He responded quite quickly to that message, said he's still keen but had been super busy and stressed.
Sadly cos of technology I can see when he's been online and it's pretty regular and frequent so clearly just ignoring me
He also said he loves our time together and has wanted to talk to me for ages about where we're heading
So we arranged to meet this weds, in the convo about meeting up I left the last message last night which he's once again ignored
I'm now thinking of ditching the whole thing
I didn't want a boyfriend or full on relationship but am now in the position where I'm checking my phone loads and getting stressed and sad about it
When wer'e together it's really lovely, romantic and funny but when we're apart with zero communication it just kills it for me.
I don't expect to hear from him every day although he used to message me for hours each day (in the eves, lunch time, mornings etc) but I'd like to have some communication with him otherwise he starts to feel like a stranger.
What do you think? Am I expecting too much?
Should I meet him this last time or just ditch the whole idea?
I'm so confused m never been thru this with anyone before .

goddessofsmallthings Tue 03-May-16 00:38:08

Being "super stressed and busy" is no excuse for not taking a few minutes to respond to a text or call from someone who matters .

It sounds to me as if he's gone off the boil keeping his options open, but as he's said that he has wanted to talk to you "for ages about where we're heading" I suggest you meet up as planned and be prepared to ditch him if his pathway isn't to your liking.

cherrybomme Tue 03-May-16 00:51:12

Hi goddess yes I agree. Even a message to say 'I'm stressed and busy so won't be calls' is preferable to zilch and nada!
Yeah think I'll go weds, see what comes out of his mouth and take it from there. V tempted not to meet at all but i'll have to assess it from there.
Thank you for responding

Doinmummy Tue 03-May-16 00:58:35

Id call it a day if I were you . It's horrible to keep checking your phone only to be disappointed. It's the honeymoon period and if he's ignoring you now it doesn't bode well for the future.

LovePGtipsMonkey Tue 03-May-16 01:22:53

yes, he's kind of lulled you into the whole romantic BF situation, which yo udidn't eve n expect, and now he's cooling it, when it should have been the opposite, a steady rise! But you don't have much to lose by going and hearing him face to faace, maybe you can pick up the vibes of where he's at. I'd be very irritated by te whole thing too, OP. Don't patiently give him chances, just one - at most (and only if he explains why is he online so much when so busy).

Iflyaway Tue 03-May-16 01:33:00

You sound desperate yes...

Why put your energy into something that is going nowhere..?

cherrybomme Tue 03-May-16 06:54:31

Part of the attraction for me in the beginning was that he's a great communicator! When that dwindles to practically nowt it just feels pointless.
I don't want someone who I see every ten days for a lovely date then nothing in between. It's actually quite depressing, soul destroying and made me feel quite anxious.
I'm not desperate iflyaway. I enjoy being single. I have probably given him too much chance but I've never come across this before and lots of friends irl say 'oh my Dh/oh/dp was like this in the early days, I spelled it out to him and then he bucked up his ideas' or words to that effect.
I thought if I meet him f2f and explain how I feel rather than innocuous messages I can gauge more from his response?

VulcanWoman Tue 03-May-16 07:17:56

Honestly, I've had this too. I don't know why people can't just be upfront, it's spineless, it really is.

WellErrr Tue 03-May-16 07:24:32

I'd just sack him off tbh.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 03-May-16 07:27:01

I'd go for the face to face to watch him try to climb out of the hole he's dug for himself grin

cherrybomme Tue 03-May-16 07:28:00

It's crap isn't it Vulcan ? I do have issues around attachment and anxiety based around childhood abuse so I wasn't sure if I was being too needy or having too high expectations.
I am v black and white and respond how I feel at the time, he seemed the same. I don't handle ambiguity too well and think I hung around in case I was the one getting it wrong .

cherrybomme Tue 03-May-16 07:28:54

Goddess, haha! Be interested to see a different side of the sunny affable chap I've seen so far!

ShatnersBassoon Tue 03-May-16 07:32:25

Yes, I'd give him the heave-ho. Investing a lot of thought and emotional energy into something for no return will exhaust you.

JapanNextYear Tue 03-May-16 07:36:17

It sounds like far harder work than it ought to be at this stage. Don't contact him and get on with your busy life. And ignore it or be breezily friendly when he contacts you in ten days time when its your turn.

Really, it shouldn't be hard work.

Hissy Tue 03-May-16 07:39:21

I had this. Almost exactly.

Turns out he was dating others behind my back. He confessed to it saying he's still like to see me as well tho.

I declined.

Move on, I rather think he has sad

notagiraffe Tue 03-May-16 07:45:28

I don't think you even need to bother seeing him. It's great that you feel put off by his behaviour rather than desperate for attention. I'd just consider it fizzled out and move on immediately with no post mortems or final attempts at rekindling it. Delete his details so you can't return his calls (because he's bound to be interested if you go cold.)

cherrybomme Tue 03-May-16 08:11:23

Lots of wise words here, v diff from what my friends say. I guess the f2f thing is cos we haven't seen each other for over a week and any communication (scant) has been by text. It's probably a need for closure on my part and also the whole messaging thing for me is not like dealing with a real person, it's just been words on a screen (or not!)

cherrybomme Tue 03-May-16 08:12:15

Oh and I have deleted all his details as on top of everything else I have raging pmt which certainly doesn't help with the staying breezy thing!

Buzzardbird Tue 03-May-16 08:15:16

I think you sound very sensible. Some people allow this crappy behaviour to go on for years.

cherrybomme Tue 03-May-16 08:49:30

Thanks buzzardbird I can't afford to let it go on for longer than it takes to get the message (which I'm getting) I don't want my mind taken up questioning the unfathomable. Cold dead air does not a fun fling make!

cherrybomme Tue 03-May-16 08:51:48

Hissy, that's shitty. Even if I'm just having sex with someone I want to be the only partner and vice versa otherwise it gets a bit grotty.
I'm pretty sure he's not as I have a good idea of his schedule and we have mutual friends. Incidentally tho, he never orgasmed during sex which is a new one on me, I thought maybe we need time to find our mojo but maybe he was never as engaged as I thought...

SleepingTiger Tue 03-May-16 09:01:41

It's not clear what you want out of the relationship.

anotherncx Tue 03-May-16 09:28:49

How old are you and him?

cherrybomme Tue 03-May-16 09:29:41

Sleepingtiger, no it's not clear. I wasn't interested in men when I met him. he pursued me, I thought it would be a bit of fun, a fling, then he grew on me, clever, funny, attractive, attentive, generous, similar life stages etc so I opened up and he shut down . that's where we are now. I started to see it as more than a fling and really liked him, he said he really liked me, couldn't wait to see me, counting the days etc , had a brilliant last date together , he said he'd call and didn't for a week, This is the second time he said he'd call and didn't. Prior to this he was instigating contact all the time and calling randomly without pre planning etc so it isn't clear to you because it's unclear to me. I don't want a boyfriend at the moment but even for a fling I expect some conversation / dialogue / banter which is what attracted me to him first of all...

cherrybomme Tue 03-May-16 09:30:43

Both early forties .

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