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Parent talking behind my back...

(30 Posts)
hurtandconfued2016 Mon 02-May-16 20:57:58

So me and my 2 kids moved into my parents house in Feb after my partner walked out on me and the kids.

I have been paying rent to live there. Tonight I was in the kitchen and overheard my mum and dad moaning about how I'm going out spending money (I've been out twice in 9 weeks in which I have spent £20)

Now their rent would be the same Wether me and the kids were here. I am on statutory mat leave (had baby 9 weeks ago). Their father doesn't give me a penny for the kids at all. (This is being sorted out)
I give them 170 a month for rent now we don't use any extra gas or electricity other than for the babies bottle maker. Also I buy all the food for me and the kids and pay for their messages on more than one occasion a week.

They look after my babies whilst I am at councilling (I have pnd). Also if I need to pop out for whatever this tends to be for them or nappies for babies. I would take the kids but they say no just leave them it's okay.

Now my parents are booking a holiday this week and my dad's just bought a brand new camera. Neither parents work my dad is retired my mum is just to lazy to apply for a job! (She has been saying for 2 years I'm going to get a job I need to get a job but never applies when I tell her about jobs)

They know how crap everything has been and the struggles I am having right now and to hear this absolutely broke me!
If I could afford to give more money then I would. I am trying to save a little every month for when me and the kids get a house so I can buy some furniture.

Am I right to be angry or am I being unreasonable??

BelfastSmile Mon 02-May-16 21:07:16

I think it's very unfair of them to be saying anything behind your back. If you living there is causing a problem then they should say it straight to you. It's not really their business how you spend your money anyway, as long as you have paid them anything you have promised (rent etc). It sounds like you've had a pretty crap time recently, too (and that may be making you feel a bit more sensitive to criticism as well, even if the criticism is unjustified).

Can you sit down with them and talk through any issues? Are they wanting you to pay more, for example? If so, and you can't afford it, then talk it through and come to some arrangement.

Hope things improve soon!

hurtandconfued2016 Mon 02-May-16 21:27:03

Well the thing is I could move back to my family home until I can be rehoused but my dad has asked me not to because he wouldn't be able to visit as there is stairs.

I am paying the same as my brother who lives here (he works full time with no dependants does nothing in the house doesn't help with cleaning or nothing, doesn't take them to the shops every day!).
I am far too angry to speak to them right now. This has all came because I am going to a spa day on Wednesday but I returned a lot of clothes that I bought after I had my baby (I lost 3 stone during pregnancy I had nothing that fitted) to be able to afford it!

I am going tomorrow to register as homeless to try and get a house sooner as this situation is not helping!

goddessofsmallthings Tue 03-May-16 07:22:10

By all means apply to register on your local authority's housing waiting list, but I would advise you not to represent yourself as homeless as you have a roof over your head courtesy of your dps and as there's no bar to you moving back into the currently empty house you co-own with your ex, any claim you make to the contrary would be fraudulent.

I assume that your dps didn't intend for you to overhear their conversation and although you may only have spent £20 on going out in terms of socialising, you have "gone out" to buy a car and consult solicitors which, unless you are in receipt of legal aid, has added considerably to this modest sum and it may be this spending, together with all the now returned clothes you've bought, which has caused your dps some concern.

Anyone who has guests staying over knows that utility bills rise exponentially and unless you don't bath/shower, bathe your dc, use a hairdrier, cook, make cuppas,
use the washing machine/drier etc at your dps, it's somewhat disingenuous to maintain that the only way you add to their gas/electric bill is by using a baby's bottle warmer.

In your other threads you've referred to your dps' health problems and have said that your dm is being treated for cancer. In my book that entitles your dm to be as "lazy" as she damn well pleases and, given the way in which your dps have come to your aid, it would have been a gesture of appreciation on your part if you'd booked a special meal for them at a restaurant or similar, or a spa day for your mum if her treatment permits, rather than treating yourself.

If you read some of the other threads on this board you'd know that many would give their eyeteeth to have dps like yours and in saying that you're "far too angry to speak to them" you're coming across as being entitled when it's clear that they're doing the best they can to help you.

Cabrinha Tue 03-May-16 07:46:09

Are sleepless nights and depression making you take an offhand comment more seriously than necessary?

It's not a nice thing to overhear but if you're relationship with them is otherwise good, surely you can let that go? Remember that you don't overhear them all the time - another time might you have overheard "I'm so proud of how she's coping"?

A lot of your post sounds unfair to them. Sounds like your mum isn't lazy - they clearly have enough money so she doesn't need a job, just likes the idea but not enough to go through with it. It's her business.

You pay bobbins for rent - you're in cloud cuckoo land if you think your only impact on utilities is a bottle warmer!

It's neither here nor there that your brother pays the same rent! Nice that your parents treat you equally - not charging you more for being 3. It would be different if they were charging him full market rates and decided to do the same to you, not working. It's nice that you do more for them than he does - but that's your choice. And they're doing more for you than him - the babysitting for example.

This just sounds like normal parent background mithering, which they're entitled to do in their own home!

If they have always been unfairly critical then go back to your house and escape that. But if they're just ordinary parents having a little whine and a moan when they didn't know you'd hear it, then you have to let it go.

Cabrinha Tue 03-May-16 07:56:07

And they're not moaning about the £20 on two occasions in the last 9 weeks - they're moaning about the upcoming spa day.

Do they know how much it is? In my mind, spa days are expensive luxuries. Even if I didn't know how much it cost, it's just what they are to me. It's quite a new thing, I think, for people to be going off for spa days. I don't think "ordinary" income people your parents age (you said dad retired I think - so 50s at the youngest?) used to go off for spa days the way people seem to now. I know that I would view it as luxury spending, and unnecessary.

Now I'm not criticising you going. You have had a tough time and it's tiring having two kids - why not have a break?

But it might help you to hear my view as it may be similar to your parents - I think a spa day is an over priced waste of money and especially so when you're mid split and saving for furniture to be rehoused. Honestly, behind your back I'd say "what a waste of money". They're allowed their opinions if they either keep them to themselves or share them politely. Remember you only overheard because you're in their house - they have lost their privacy to share their opinions with each other!

Actions speak louder than words. Presumably they're looking after the kids whilst you go? So they're just letting off steam, would make other choices, but are still supporting you. As I said above, it comes done to their usual behaviour. If they're good parents, let this go.

00100001 Tue 03-May-16 08:00:25

I would skip the spa day in favour of saving money.

Also, I would move back to the family home. Sorry. But your dad not being able to climb the stairs is not a reason to uproot your family. Your dad will still see you and the kids.

Go home.

00100001 Tue 03-May-16 08:01:26

Presumably you're paying bills for the family home anyway? So why not just live there?

SoThatHappened Tue 03-May-16 08:30:02

They know how crap everything has been and the struggles I am having right now and to hear this absolutely broke me!

I ended up in this position after a relationship broke down.
I paid £600, more than market rent for a room in a house where I live, I also gave money for the broadband, council tax, bought the toiletries, laundry detergent, bought a new tv and washing machine for her and did my share of food shopping and being at work I was out of the house 7:30am to 7:30pm. I had a shower in the morning and watch tv at night and have a couple of cups of tea after dinner.

I arrange family birthdays, spend alot of money on Christmas for my family and I get very little back.
I pay to take them out for their birthdays but when it is mine they say...I hope you're paying for that, so I take them out for my birthday.

I got the free loading comments too. When ever I dare do something for myself I get comments.
I got nasty comments over a holiday I wanted so I didn't bother to book it.
Nasty comments over something I wanted to buy myself.

Then I got made redundant. For 4 months I wasn't able to pay as much as I normally do.
I hit the deck, lay low, bought myself nothing & went nowhere so I wouldn't then through what funds I did have left so I could pay my way at home.
I got subjected to vile nasty comments from DM and she brought my sibling into it who also slagged me off.
It didnt take me long to get a job. And for the short time I was not working their comments broke me too after everything I did.

I am now giving my mum what she wants. I leave in the morning after a shower and dont even eat at home anymore. I pay for dinner out and I dont care how much it costs, it's better than being home.

First pay cheque I paid £1000 to make up for the lost rent and will do so for a couple of months to make sure the shortfall is made up.

Im giving her what she wants. Me out of the house all day whilst paying everything.

She's realised what she's done as she is getting my money but she's lost her daughter. She's trying to be normal with me now but im brushing her off.
She has my money back and I'll be gone soon.
I hope she's happy with what 4 months of reduced rent (which I am repaying) has cost her.

In your case though, an extra adult and 2 children. You massively underestimate what you're costing them. Baths, loads of laundry, cooking etc.

And if your DM is sick then she has every right to be lazy.
We both just need to go and I will when Im back on my feet.

SoThatHappened Tue 03-May-16 08:34:14

You've all just put me off the spa day I had planned for my birthday.
Maybe it is a waste of money.

SoThatHappened Tue 03-May-16 08:43:03

My mother always has been the over critical type. If I was a saint, she'd find fault with me.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Tue 03-May-16 08:58:03

If I understand correctly you have your own home and aren't living there because your dad can't manage stairs? Go home, it's not a good enough reason to remain at your parents long term. I do think your post sounds a bit naive. Your parents don't have to have you in the house but they're letting you stay and tbf you're paying peanuts for it. What your parents do regarding income is none of your business. Either talk to them about what you overheard or move back to your own home.

Primaryteach87 Tue 03-May-16 08:59:45

Absolutely DO go on the spa day. Pnd is tough and I'm sure you're counsellor is taking to you about self care.

I would speak to your parents, say it really hurt you and you'd like to understand how you can improve the situation for their perspective.

Having said mum & dad would never ask me for money with a newborn, pnd and just been left by my partner...horses for courses I guess.

Arfarfanarf Tue 03-May-16 09:02:50

If your dad is moaning about you then he'll be ok with you moving out. He cant have it both ways.
I would move out and if they said anything id say given that you said x, y, z i feel its best for our relationship if i am not dependent on your kindness.

NerrSnerr Tue 03-May-16 09:09:09

I would move back to the family home. It's crap of them to moan but to be fair you're moaning about your mum being lazy on here.

MatildaTheCat Tue 03-May-16 09:30:09

Unless you are the Walton family and live in a mansion you need to accept that we are not well suited to living in large extended family groups. No matter how much your parents love you and want to support you it will be a huge strain having you and your DC living with them. And yes, £170 will hardly be making them a profit.

Accept that they have helped you through the worst of this and start getting ready to go home. So dad can't visit? Well just go to see him. It's genuinely hard to see what they've done wrong other than comment on your spending. Unfortunately when you have given someone a lot of help it does kind of give you a right to an opinion on what they do. Which is why it is time to get back on your feet and regain control of your life. Then you can spend all your free money on clothes and facials and they won't be entitled to any view at all. And you won't be there to hear them when they do comment which they will because families are like that.

Good luck.

hurtandconfued2016 Tue 03-May-16 09:35:22

Okay so set a few things straight my post wasn't very clear.
My mum is no longer receiving cancer treatment when she had her op they removed all signs of cancer. She is no longer dealing with it. Her not having a job is not a new thing she hasn't had a job sinc either was 4.
The car it was their idea that i bought a car, I was insured on their car and said well you need your own independence so encourage the car. If that was a problem they should have said then I wouldnt have bought it.
The spa day I got off groupon I didn't pay full price.
With regards to eating I eat the same as them so when their dinner is being made so is mine I don't cook extra meals or anything like that.
Hairdryers I don't use as my hair is badly damaged.
I originally moved back here because I was have a csection and their father wasn't willing to help me up the 2 flights of stairs at the family home. I still pay the utilities in the house my ex pays the rent.
Can i also make a point that when I livid in my family home and my mum left my dad he was unable to look after himself so he moved in with me and the family. I was supporting and paying for him when he was in a time of need.
As the homeless thing it was the housing that has told me to do it because I can't afford the mortgage on the family home once ex stops paying. Also my parents is over crowded so it was themselves that told me to go register as homeless.

AstrantiaMallow Tue 03-May-16 09:38:25

I read this as them letting off steam and maybe being a bit worried. After all it can't be that easy for them.

If they are nice and supportive to you otherwise - and it sounds like they are(?), I'd let it go. I wouldn't start a big conversation or get all upset. See how it goes.

AstrantiaMallow Tue 03-May-16 09:48:22

It's a temporary solution for you though, right? So I would look for whatever alternative but I really wouldn't start an argument or big discussion about a bit of a moan (if that is what it was) you overhead in their kitchen. They're entitled to their opinion. It doesn't sound like something majorly nasty to be honest. Just venting, a moan etc, like you're doing here about your mum. You're entitled to do that and so are they.

Go on your spa break and carry on with moving on or sorting out your housing situation. Don't let something like this derail you.

MatildaTheCat Tue 03-May-16 09:49:15

OP, you've very clearly had a crap time and have pnd but can't you see that you are doing the same thing? Mum is lazy, dad bought a new camera, they are having a holiday... None of this is any of your business. Of course it hurts to hear comments about yourself but let it go. And then do as you mentioned above, go home and apply for rehousing. You can still visit your parents.

If you really feel unable to do that then you have to stick with it and let the small stuff go. And please stop minimising the impact you and the DC are having on their lives, it's incredibly hard having a young family to stay let alone live with you no matter how much you love them.

I hope things improve for you soon.

hurtandconfued2016 Tue 03-May-16 10:24:41

Yes this is very temporary what else is very ironic I spoke to my dad about me looking for a new house and he fell out with Me! His exact words were "I don't understand why you are in a rush to move out. I don't want you to because I would.miss you and the kids!" He still avoids any conversation I have about moving out and goes into his room.

I would have moved back to the family home but I have nothing there. Ex in laws have emptied the house all that is left is 2 sofas and a chest of drawers they have even taken my curtains

Cabrinha Tue 03-May-16 11:43:48

Is that falling out with you?
He'd rather you stayed with them.
It's not going to suit you long term, so you won't. Fair enough.
But it doesn't sound like that's falling out with you. Sounds like you're getting the irritated-by-everything thing that most of us would get living back with parents.

Just enjoy the support you do have from them - practical and financial - and get on with your housing application to move out, and selling your old family home.

In the meantime, enjoy your spa day abc accept that parents are allowed a little moan in private - and it's actually a kindness from them that you're in a position to overhear what should have been a private comment!

hurtandconfued2016 Tue 03-May-16 11:54:27

When I say falling out he goes into his room and doesn't speak to me for hours/days and when my son tries to interact with him he ignores him too.

Cabrinha Tue 03-May-16 12:16:48

Just ignore such nasty behaviour and get on with sorting out your housing.
He can only control you if you let him.

What's the impact of owning your marital home on your housing application? Is there any equity in the house when it's sold?

Primaryteach87 Tue 03-May-16 12:48:29

Given the added info that you have supported your dad when he was struggling, I can see why it is particularly galling.. I mostly think they've been very unkind and would actually be quite embarrassed if you called them on it (I think you should). I hope times get easier OP.

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