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Wow I think it's finally hit me

(7 Posts)
Onlyjustrealised Mon 02-May-16 19:10:07

This is my first post so please bare with me....gulp

Where do I start, at the beginning I suppose.

Back in 2012 I emigrated reluctantly to Australia with my now ex husband and my 2 darling children, gave up everything as it was something he really wanted to do, the children were young so I agreed it would be an adventure and had the reassurance that if it wasn't working after 2 years then we would return home.

It was a real struggle being away from my family as were really close, it didn't help that my ex had been in Australia for 3 months before we arrived and had only sorted out a hockey club for himself and little else, no meeting new people, nothing. We arrived and whilst my life had changed beyond recognition my ex had set all things up for him. I struggled for a while but slowly made friends and got myself a job, tried to fit in everywhere but nothing felt right.

In 2013 my father died suddenly and I was devastated, and needed to get back to my mum in a hurry, ex made it clear that he didn't want to come back and I had to beg him as I couldn't bare to be away from my children for that long. He finally came back after a week and caused an argument as soon as he came in. I stated I didn't know if I could go back and he accused me of putting my family before him. I went back but there was no support from him, I was grieving and sad and to him it's as if it wasn't happening, I was still struggling with homesickness and settling and mentioned that I didn't think it was going to work, long story short I was given the ultimatum that I either stay and keep my family together or I go back on my own with the children and we get divorced.

Fast forward 2014 and I packed up some personal stuff, booked some flights and came home without him.

I have achieved a lot since being back, bought a house, kids back to school and happy, secured a job and life has returned to some normality.

Ex has been back and fore a few times and the children are happy with the situation which is a good thing, they seem well adjusted and we are really close.

Then boom I have found out that the ex has now practically moved in with a woman he has known a few months who has two small children, and I cannot stop thinking about it? It doesn't help that I started dating a guy but it ended because he couldn't handle the fact that I have my children full time (have great family around me who gives me a lot of time out) but he seemed to want to run before he could walk.

I guess I'm rambling but my question is, why have I been floored by this news that has filtered down to me via the children and is there anyone else out there who has their children full time and successfully date? I'm feeling that I have the raw deal here as I have all responsibility for the children ( dint get me wrong I love them with all my heart) but feel slightly miffed that I have up everything for someone and it didn't work out and now feel that he has it all ( the Aussie life he has always wanted) without any real responsibility, omg I'm sorry if this does not make much sense sad(((

HandyWoman Mon 02-May-16 19:32:16

Oh my love. It makes perfect sense. Yours is a more extreme example of what can so often happen when you (sensibly) divorce a hapless waste of space for a man.

When you emigrate to the other side of the world with a young family you need to be a strong, supportive unit to whether all the challenges .

Instead when the going got tough you discovered your ExH was a selfish, immature twit. You were absolute right to divorce him and bring your children home.

The fact that he is now with a woman who has kids must feel like a really low blow. It probably makes you feel left behind, and that's understandable. A lot of divorced women end up feeling like this.

But the fact is, like my ExH, yours has probably found someone who is equally shallow and immature. Good luck to them, they are probably well suited!!!

It's so tough that you have to bring your dc up full time, more fool him. This is not a reflection on you. You will reap the rewards, and eventually find someone who you deserve and who is worthy of you... Good things come to those who wait.

In the meantime lean on your lovely family and congratulate yourself for choosing the right path for you and your wonderful dc.

cheapskatemum Mon 02-May-16 19:40:25

Some good general advice I try to remember is: don't worry about how you measure up to other people, just concentrate on being the best you can be for you. So now, if you can manage to leave his current situation out of the equation, consider yourself lucky that you have distanced yourself and your lovely DCs from your ex. He wasn't there for you when you really needed him and this would have got worse, not better. He should be giving you money to help you bring up 2 DCs he brought into the world though, does he?

I wouldn't worry about finding a new man. They seem to appear when you're not looking for them. Enjoy the time you have with your DCs while they're young. They soon grow up. Best wishes!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 02-May-16 22:47:57

I'm sorry about your dad, that must have been very stressful and upsetting whilst you were so far away.

Other than that, I'm going to bring you down to earth (gently). You tried to live in a new country because your husband wanted to live there, it didn't work out.

The fact that he is dating/living with somebody might come as a shock but you were also dating and, had your man not be so child-averse, you would still be dating. It's really not fair to assume that your ex is the one in the wrong when really what has happened is that the move to the new country has thrown your relationship into sharp relief followed by the tailspin of a separation.

Look at what you now have: your mum and family around you, a job, a home and your children with you. Your husband has had to - presumably - walk away from a life in the UK for job reasons. Emigrating is tough and not to be taken lightly. You were fortunate to walk back into a good life here - your husband has lost it all and has had no choice but to start again. That's not easy either, neither of your options and choices have been easy.

Perhaps this women with children is no good; perhaps she's a perfect fit? Either way, stop focussing on her and him and just concentrate on you and your children. You have them - and he doesn't. That's enough of a consequence.

Onlyjustrealised Tue 03-May-16 19:59:10

Thanks for all your replies and yes I can see how you feel that maybe he has had the raw deal. I was lied to from the beginning, told we would go for two years and if I didn't love it would return home as a family, how wrong was I, if I knew that in the beginning I would of made sure I stayed put, my children would still have a dad around, even though I can see we would of split up anyway but that is not what this is really about.

My ex could of come back, he had plenty of work opportunities but preferred his lifestyle there, he stated he would of been miserable living back in the UK, this was what I was up against, not me but effectively not wanting to be around his children, maybe we are better without him, it just hurts that he is now playing father to her children reading stories to them (didn't do that with ours) just so he has his ideal lifestyle, guess i just need to let it go, as long as kids are ok that's the main thing.

Thanks again for listening

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 04-May-16 15:33:44

Presumably, your ex will continue to come back to the UK to see his children and, if they're happy with the situation, that's what's really important. I do understand that it's difficult for you to watch him settling down with a new family and not being there in the same way for his own children but that was inevitable given that you didn't want to stay in Australia.

Emigrating is so brutal in so many ways. Yes, it might have been a two-year plan but realistically, if you're going to move your family that distance there for any period, there must be some semblance of hope that it will be forever. If you'd taken to it too, you wouldn't be having to face up to such loss but again, if a decision isn't right then it's not going to work for both of you.

You're free to date again yourself and your children are settled. I would start counting my blessings as well as being aware of the less perfect aspects of your return. You will be happy again!

Marquand Wed 04-May-16 15:46:53

I think the finality of a split often only hits home (or hits home again) when the ex settles down with someone else. It's perfectly normal (and horrid) to be upset with it all over again.

Really, you can rest assured that you did your best to make the relationship work, and it didn't, and you have both moved on to lives that suit you better and make you happier.

Unfortunately for you (but luckily for him) he has found a new life partner, while you haven't. It must hurt, but it won't change that your choice to split up was the best for your happiness.

In my experience, finding love, or not, is a completely random process. On the flipside, not finding love is no reflection on you, but on the lottery of life not spitting out the right two balls.

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