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Needing help(17 Posts)
I'll try keep it short!
I have been in a new relationship for 8 months. It's an LDR of sorts as he is 2 hours away but we have still managed, until recently, to see each other weekly for the most part and to be fair he has done most of the driving as I drive a stupid amount in the week. I have had to sort of learn that his level of communication otherwise is not what I would like. I try not to bother him and look clingy but sometimes that's tough and I have talked about the need for him to just take a minute out to text occasionally. I accept that I'm a bit 'insecure-anxious attachment' typical but I'm working with it, I don't continuously bother him, and he has been a bit inconsistent so I think that we just need to find that middle ground. He's very busy with lots of friends, always out at the pub, stays up til 2am or later most nights. I live in a town I moved to 2 years ago and feel quite isolated. I don't really have any family. I'm also training for a job that I kind of got stuck in and am having some issues being passionate about - not his problem though - also this can be tough emotionally as I listen to very depressing stuff all day and I'm struggling to manage that. Despite this I try and keep busy, I have studying to do and I do the odd crafty bits, cook, catch up with friends who live all over the place, walk the dog, volunteer etc. I don't take much pleasure in any of it but I make sure he knows that I'm not sitting around pining for him when he's not around! My friends are gradually falling off the radar with their own lives, moving away, families etc. He has a hobby that I knew about when I started with him. It hasn't been too invasive until March when the season got into swing and now he's away most weekends and the week can often be taken up with meetings etc. All of his exes have been into this hobby with him. I would give it a go but I can't afford it and I don't want him to teach me ideally. I saw him 3/4 days in March as he was away 10 days and another weekend I think. This is what makes him most happy.
So he's been away this weekend. I caught up with a couple of friends for lunch/dinner, saw my mum and hoped to get on with some studying on the basis that if I got it done I might be able to see him next weekend if he's not away. But I can't. I was miserable with my friends and a bitch to my mum. I am spending my whole time alone crying. I can't keep bothering my friends about it and they aren't replying to texts anyway. I feel suicidal and utterly alone. I can't get out of bed, I can't do anything. I've wasted the sunny weather. He has sent me 2 messages since he left on Friday morning and one was telling me about what a great time he's having. I sent a couple back but I'm gonna leave it as I don't want to look like a bunny boiler. He has been on and off Messenger but no response since the one I sent last night saying I hope he was having a nice time. I honestly haven't looked crazy to him but it's really exhausting trying to pretend I'm fine. Last weekend I didn't do so badly when he was away but there were pictures all over FB of him and some nubile, beautiful young student he was teaching and that was tough.
Last week we had an argument as I'd booked us a hotel in August as a nice surprise and when I told him he didn't even say thank you for 2 days - no explanation why. He also keeps promising we are going to go away on holiday in July but nothing ever gets mentioned or organised as I guess he's too busy. I thought it would be a nice compromise and make me feel like we had something to look forward to. I even looked into a holiday where he could indulge his hobby. He says it will happen but there doesn't seem to be a commitment to making it happen.
Just to clarify, when I'm with him we are deliriously happy. He is super affectionate, he has introduced me to family and friends and he tells me he loves me. We spent Christmas together at his parents. We have great sex and when pressed the other week he said that he does envisage a future with me (I was so drunk though I don't really remember the conversation but we can't even move in together until next March when I finish my course. He says he wants a family). He can be a bit disorganised and thoughtless (he had a picture of his ex on his wall for months until I covered it up with something else a few weeks ago) but that's just him, I don't think it's malicious (he said he didn't even know what picture I was talking about - his place is a tip). I don't have any presence on his social media but Jesus Christ at my age I really have better things to worry about than whether he puts 'in a relationship' on his FB status right?!
Friends deviate between telling me I'm completely crazy and I'm pushing him away to telling me that he is flaky and non-committal and that I deserve someone who's gonna make me happier. I'm not sure talking with them about it helps so I've looked into counselling and might go to the GP about some meds as well.
But anyway, I just NEED to get on with something. I cleaned my bathroom floor and did a bit of gardening to distract myself but then I'm just back to normal, crying and not studying, which is now stressing me out further.
What do I do?
And sorry it was so long.......
It doesn't sound like you are a priority to him at all. In fact it sounds like you come a long way down the list.
On some level you know that he doesn't feel as strongly about you as you feel about him, and this is why you are miserable.
There is really only one thing that you can do about it because you've tried backing off to give him space, tried explaining how it makes you feel, tried pressing him about his feelings about you and your future together and tried organising holidays and minibreaks to carve out some time together.
His response to all of your efforts is decidedly lukewarm and without commitment. Anyone can be loving and fun once a week, or however often you meet up, but the evidence of his feelings and intentions is the way he views you when you are apart.
You're miserable so muster some dignity, cut your losses and find someone who puts you first and makes you feel important.
It's not much of a relationship, is it? You're not a priority for him, whereas he is for you. He's online but doesn't chat to you, he rarely sees you, isn't happy when you book a weekend away...
Is there a lot of point to the relationship? I'm sorry but anyone who is deliriously happy when they see you will see you as often as they can and will keep in touch when they can't see you.
I think you deserve better. There's no point asking him if there's a future - look at how he's behaving if you want to know that.
Thanks for the comments. On reading back my post I actually think I was slightly unfair about the level of contact. He texts or calls me most mornings with maybe a couple of messages in the day and POSSIBLY an evening call if I'm lucky and he's not busy and he hasn't spoken to me in the morning. Just to clear that up. He won't contact me so much when he's away as I guess he's busy in the day (though God knows what he does in the evening other than get smashed and talk shop about his hobby).
The thing is that two hours away isn't that far. I live that far from my mum and go there most weeks - if she was a boyfriend I'd be there more often! It's the sort of thing you can do mid week and certainly every weekend. I've just re-read that he'll be away every weekend now - can you really be bothered by the relationship?
You know that in two years time you'll be posting "I moved 2 hours away for my boyfriend, I know no-one here, he's too busy out getting smashed up of an evening to include me with his friends - and anyway I can't drink because I'm pregnant. He's never here at the weekend because of <mysterious hobby> and when he is here, he's dull as fuck because <said mysterious hobby> is all he talks about. How did I end up here? Pregnant, lonely, unsupported. He can be lovely on the rare moment he isn't drunk or away".
What really strikes me is how uncomfortable you are in this relationship.
You are not yourself.
You are constantly monitoring your behaviour to fit with him.
You don't live your life when he's not there, you try to fill it. You can tell this, when you find you never have to be the one to say "sorry love - actually I can't that weekend". Because you've actually got stuff to WANT to do, not just fillers.
You also seem uncomfortable with him because you're thinking about when you text, how you'll look.
You should be able to pick up your phone and text whenever you feel like it. I do. If you can't, then he's either not right for you or you are possibly better off not in ANY relationship until you can be confident to behave how you want to.
You're not comfortable talking to him. If my boyfriend had a photo up of his ex I would ask him to take it down - there's be no "he didn't even know which one I'd covered up". Covered up?! (actually my boyfriend is a widow and his house is full of pictures of his wife - all of which will be up in my house when we move in together at mine soon) If it's a picture of an ex in a social setting - like a group photo of them with lots of others at a wedding then I wouldn't care at all. But the point is - you don't go about covering up other people's photos - you just tell them how you feel and ask them to act.
Why aren't you comfortable with him teaching you <mysterious hobby>? Again, you sound totally uncomfortable with this guy.
You just sound like you're second guessing and on edge ALL the time.
The most likely reason for that is simply that he isn't right for you. Even if some of it comes from your own issues, with the right man your issues would probably lessen. If it is coming from you more than him, would you consider therapy? It really sounds like you do with done help here
Oh and what's with "he calls me in the evening if I'm lucky"?
First off, you don't have to feel LUCKY that any man calls you. When you date a man, he's lucky to have you. Lucky you have the opportunity to call you!
But also, it's been 8 months - in a relationship that long, you should feel comfortable to just call whenever you want.
I was in a LDR once.
For 18 months.
It didn't work out.
I spent a fortune on fuel. Lost my identity, became co-dependent.
Please, please let him go. Find someone who is more deserving of and more committed to you and finish it before your self-respect is in tatters. Sorry to be so blunt, you probably don't want to hear this.
Perhaps I didn't make it clear on the original post that we do see each other most weeks and last week he came on Tuesday as he'd been away all weekend. Hopefully he will do the same this week. Yes, 2 hours is not a millions miles away but it does put the pressure on to have an amazing Tuesday night when for purely practical reasons (i.e. not falling asleep at work the next day) it's easier to see him at the weekends as he can't even get here until late generally. I have no idea how long this will last as he was not away every weekend when I first met him. The 'mysterious hobby' incidentally is diving. I didn't think that was particularly relevant but blimey it's expensive and I'd need to do courses and stuff. The reason I don't want him to teach me is because I completely lack confidence and I don't imagine he'd be that patient with me, a bit like when your parents tried to teach you driving and it'd end up in an argument! All his exes did this with him and it just makes me self-conscious (my problem - not his).
The photo of his ex was a passport one. I was sick of looking at it so covered it up but have since told him I don't like it but it's still up there because you can't see it anymore anyway and I doubt he pays the slightest bit of attention to what's on his wall. I've probably made too big a deal of it to be honest.
I have literally no idea if this is more about him or me. I have tried talking to him but nothing seems to get resolved. I just think he might go the path of least resistance and feel it's not worth it if I keep moaning at him for not texting or calling much. Like I said, I'm considering counselling. I don't want him to know how miserable I am.
In any event I have just texted him again and asked him to give me a call or message when he's free.
And yes, it does cost a fortune in fuel.....
I really think you don't need counselling, do you? You've just got a relationship that's going nowhere and you're fed up. If you ended it and went out with friends a bit more, you'd soon be happier.
I'm not sure what you're asking for on here? It seems you are reliant on him to make you happy. At some point you will smell the coffee.
I still don't understand how you're covering up photos at his house. Is it some kind of collage and you put a post-it note on it?!
Honestly, don't just think about counselling - do it. You have nothing to lose. Who knows whether this is a good relationship for you? What I do think is that you're uncomfortable with making any kind of normal "demands" (why would you ask him to call you, why would you not just call him?) and you seem very insecure about exes - and current "nubile students".
If he's REALLY into diving, consider whether you really want a boyfriend with a time consuming hobby. It's OK to decide that he's not for you - it's not unreasonable.
Are you interested in learning to dive? It's great fun, though UK is different to just doing it in the sunshine! I think a bit more you have to be into it than just enjoy it occasionally. It wouldn't cost you much - wetsuit and flippers, your boyfriend will have all the other kit if he's an instructor diving every weekend. I don't believe in fitting yourself to a man's interests. But I do believe in taking advantage of opportunities!
@DraughtyWindow I just wanted to know if anyone could identify or help me figure out if it's me being pathetic or him being unreasonable. That was all.
@Cabrinha the picture was stuffed with a load of stuff on an old noticeboard. I pinned a flyer over it. Forget I mentioned the picture.
I didn't call him, I sent him a text asking him to contact me as I know he's travelling back from his weekend away and he's got a five/six hour drive. Yeah, I'm insecure, I knew this already. Without going into too much detail I feel hugely inferior to his exes. He also told me once that he was still in love with his last ex but said that this didn't diminish how he felt about me. That didn't help.
Yeah I did a try dive and it was OK. I'd consider taking it up but at his level with his group I'd have to have more experience. I'm gonna maybe go with him another time when I don't have the dog and just hang out on the boat and see how that goes, take my camera, meet all his people.
If you feel inferior to his exes, why are you still only thinking about counselling?
But you know, the only response to a new boyfriend who says he's still in love with his ex is "see ya - enjoy dating again when you're ready".
Why is he dating if he still loves her? And why is he telling you that if he is? I can only think it's to keep you on your toes - as he's no great catch as he's not around a lot of time!
You do sound more than normally insecure - but trust me, even a secure woman shouldn't settle for a man who claims to love an ex - and for an insecure one, it's too much of a headfuck.
Just sounds like a hard work. Sitting around on the boat all day? Then several hours drive home - is that in a shared bus/car so not even alone with him? So, just sounds like more of your life wasted hanging around for him.
Even a great couple can't always overcome those kind of time constraints. I don't see how someone who still loves his ex is going to make it worth your while.
For the record I think he was very ineffectively trying to explain that he still has feelings for his ex girlfriends as he spent lots of time with them, in the way that anyone would. He's just ridiculously shit at explaining himself and I am aware that I'm ultra sensitive.
So I called him last night and moaned at him AGAIN for barely contacting me all weekend. I felt like a stuck record. He said sorry, we would book holiday, he's been rubbish, he doesn't want to break up etc etc. He promised to come over tonight and said he's free this weekend. I'm still debating whether to bin him off tonight as I lay up all night worrying and I'm knackered.
Then this morning, after that pretty heavy conversation, I had no text or call. I thought he'd probably overslept as he was tired so didn't give it much thought. It's now gone 2pm and he's put stuff on his FB wall and been online but still not said so much as hello. SIGH.
Anyway, counselling booked for Friday. I can't go on like this. Thanks for taking time to comment everyone.
Sweetheart, in the nicest possible way, he's just not that into you. I've been in relationships like the one you're describing, and they don't get any better. It's a waste of time and energy on your part. It wasn't until I found a man that actually loved me and wanted to make me part of his life properly that I realised how needlessly difficult and unfulfilling relationships like the one you're describing sounds.
Does he make you happy? Like, more than the once a week you see him? It sounds like you're trying desperately to fit into his life, and he's not fussed about making room. If he really cares he'd make a real effort to keep in touch, even when he's away diving. It isn't hard! You sound v anxious. If I were you I'd sort that out before being in a relationship that stresses you out so much. I really hope this doesn't upset you, I just wish someone had told me this stuff.
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