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Ex husband making demands

(23 Posts)
Flapjacksmad Mon 02-May-16 08:15:35

So my ex husband and I are going through court procedures at the moment to ascertain which of us does the driving of our 2 daughters (13 and 10 years) for contact swap overs. He moved away as soon as he left 5 years ago and lives with his new wife about 3 hours drive away. the girls and I still live in the same house (I bought him out). I do everything for the girls during the week - homework, dinners, general welfare stuff and have a full time job. I don't get any help from anyone els , apart from my parents occasionally. He wants me to share a large part of the driving. We had mediation last week - something I pushed for as he told the court when he made his application that I would not be interested in mediation and it would not work anyway. I was pleased that we were able to mediate in the end as I wanted to talk things through with him and make him realise I just can't do any more than I am already doing. I thought the mediator would be there to "protect" me from his temper and shouting and false accusations (one of which is that I "steal" from him because he has to pay me maintenance). However I was subjected to a barrage of aggressive shouting eg. that I am stupid, i have done this, and I have done that, he hates sitting there in a room with me, the girls find my parents boring to spend time with, etc etc. The mediator did not pull him up on any of this even though it must have been obvious that he just wants to control my life and make my life as difficult as possible, she said nothing trying to encourage me to go along with his demands "so that we can move forward" - another demand is that the girls are in the house at certain times every week so he can phone them. If I did not agree to go along with all this the girls would be dragged into it and made to go to a wishes and feelings meeting. So I went along and agreed to everything. My ex has manipulated the girls and repeatedly twisted the truth. He's told them already all the details of this case and that it is "unfair" for him to do all the driving and also not be able to talk with them whenever he wants - even when their dinner is on the table. He also tells them and the court that I am bitter because he had an affair and left me. I am not bitter, and have moved on in my own life. This is so difficult for me because, as I said in mediation, I literally can't do any more than I am doing already. I don't want my life controlled by him. We will now have to stay in 2 nights a week so he can call them, and have his hour conversation with them both, and I have a long drive long a distance on a Friday straight after work and Sunday. I am exhausted from what I already have to do. He on the other hand has loads of free time to do whatever he wants, he also has a much better car than me - safer and easier to drive. This has not yet been made into a court order and I am considering withdrawing what I agreed to in the mediation. Has anyone got any advice as I am so stressed by this situation. Thanks.

Blackheart2016 Mon 02-May-16 08:38:43

I think it sounds unreasonable. I have a friend who drives her dc halfway and they meet at the services to swap the dc over on. Friday evening and Sunday pm. Would that arrangement help you?

Can you say how much this is affecting your health eg stress and anxiety? Go and see your GP to report how you are feeling. If I were in your position there is no way on earth I could do that driving as it would make me too anxious and therefore not safe for the children.

Have you had legal advice? What is your solicitor saying?

I went to mediation and to be fair the mediator was good at enforcing the ground rules re no blame or criticism and he took exh out of the room at one stage to have a word. (Didn't work mind, we still ended up in court.)

I feel for you. The whole process is horrendous.

Bettydownthehall Mon 02-May-16 09:29:11

It so bloody unfair! He moved away. It would drive me crackers if he expected me to do that long drive.


CadleCrap Mon 02-May-16 09:35:04

Why do you have to stay in? Can the 13 yo not have a mobile that he can call?

The mediator sounds crap.

wallywobbles Mon 02-May-16 09:54:22

Withdraw what you have agreed immediately. Also look into reporting the mediator. Do not go back to mediation. Do not agree to the driving at any point. Get proper legal advice before doing anything else.

Lweji Mon 02-May-16 09:56:36

He moved away he drives. Easy.
Repeat ad nauseum.

DoreenLethal Mon 02-May-16 09:57:58

Yes withdraw and report the mediator. What is the point of agreeing to something that has been bullied out of you?

summerainbow Mon 02-May-16 09:58:42

Don't agree
Don't sign anything .
Just sit tight and let him take you to court .

abbsismyhero Mon 02-May-16 10:01:57

mobile phone for calls you don't need to stay in if he insists tell him no that's unreasonable and repeat if it goes to court the courts will see your not stopping contact your encouraging it and he is stopping it

report the mediator who the fuck does she think she is? sounds pretty useless to allow this to happen did she make any notes? any ground rules? do anything at all?

Lweji Mon 02-May-16 10:11:36

Will you have any other mediation sessions?
If so, demand they are recorded and walk out if he starts shouting or calling you names. Alternatively, the mediator walks between different rooms to properly mediate.

As for his manipulation of the girls, tell them that you are choosing not to involve them.
The 13 year old can actually have a say on what happens and the 10 year old is likely to be listened to.

As others said, he can reach them by mobile for phone calls.

Berthatydfil Mon 02-May-16 10:16:45

Gosh yes mediator sounds awful.
She should not have allowed his behaviour.
He moved he wants to have contact he drives.
He provides mobiles for the children and he arranges with them when to phone them.

Heirhelp Mon 02-May-16 10:23:47

Yy to him providing mobile phones. Can the children get the train?

Chlobee87 Mon 02-May-16 10:40:19

Surely that can't be enforceable? Can you ask your solicitor for their opinion? I mean, if he decided to move to Australia would you be expected to stump up half the airfare every time he wanted to see them? To me, he decided to move away so he should bear the costs relating to that. You have no control over where he decides to live, which means you have no control over the costs related to that. How can he force you to spend your money and time in this way? He sounds like a total control freak. Would a wishes and feelings meeting be so bad for your DC to attend? They might well tell him themselves that they don't appreciate having to stay home 2 nights a week and they don't like having to leave their dinner to go cold while they speak to him.

If I were you, I would withdraw everything you agreed to during mediation. Say that, on reflection, you didn't feel it provided you with a safe space to air your feelings as you had wished and you felt under duress. Say that you do not feel that it's fair for you to contribute towards travel costs that HE has incurred and you will not be doing so. Then just sit tight and let him try his best. He sounds vile.

Iamdobby63 Mon 02-May-16 10:41:48

I can't believe you were subjected to that, I agree that you should report the mediator, I also agree that you should withdraw what you had agreed to.

Why did he chose to move so far away?

dailymailphequers Mon 02-May-16 10:42:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iamdobby63 Mon 02-May-16 10:44:47

Sorry, just re-reading, what has he been doing over the last 5 years, has he only recently moved?

And what is it he expects you to do? Half of the driving?

Lweji Mon 02-May-16 10:59:32

Agreements regarding contact are not forever. It's ok to change them at any time depending on circumstances and whether they are working or not.
Clearly what you agreed to is not working, so a new agreement has to be put in place.

For now they live with you. Just as long as they are available for contact, you are doing your part. You don't have to move a muscle otherwise.

amarmai Mon 02-May-16 12:27:20

s/he is not a mediator but an enabler=allowing him to abuse and control you and adding to the pressure that you shd do what he demands. Report this person and refuse to comply. Your dds need to see you stand up to this bully before they marry sim.

ImperialBlether Mon 02-May-16 12:32:57

I agree you should report the mediator. Put it in writing that you were bullied and intimidated throughout the session and that none of the promises which were extorted from you will stand. I wouldn't even go for another mediator, based on that experience, if there's a choice.

Your husband is a bully. He is insisting on telephone contact at his convenience, not the children's. He is trying to make you drive even though he was the one who moved away and you're the one who has all the responsibility. No way. Stand firm on this, OP.

andintothefire Mon 02-May-16 12:54:19

Can the girls get public transport and then he can pick them up from the other end? They are probably old enough now for that. I also second the suggestion that he buys them mobile phones and arranges to speak to them on those.

I think that he needs to stop trying to control them (and you). They are soon going to be old enough to make up their own minds what they want to do at weekends - and it may not even involve going to see him with long drives there and back away from their friends!

I wonder if it might be worth you talking to them about what they want to do, and see if they have any suggestions or issues with the proposed arrangements?

wantmorenow Mon 02-May-16 18:24:58

Perhaps request 'shuttle mediation'. One mediator (a different one to the current one preferably) 'shuttles' between both parties who are in different rooms. It's used for mediation where there is a history or fear of intimidation and abuse etc. Shows you're willing for mediation to occur but just not face to face as it is too distressing/intimidating etc. I asked for it and it was somewhat helpful. They also allowed me to leave the building before he did so as to deny him the opportunity to follow and harass me.

DrMorbius Mon 02-May-16 18:47:44

I have no knowledge of mediation, so what I ask is in gnorance. But could you ask the moderator for her notes of the meeting. Surely the moderator must have made a note of the aggressive behaviour of your Ex. I would then (as others have said) withdraw any agreements, report the mediator, and get legal advice.

Boolovessulley Mon 02-May-16 19:54:27

Can you take someone into mediation with you?

I would withdraw your offer to drive.

I wouldn't do any of it.
He moved away he can drive to see his dcs.

Get the dc a mobile and he can ring on that. He doesnt need to know where you are then.
Also state that all contact must be via the mobile, you don't want him ringing your landline.

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