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DH comments about me loving/not loving DD

(30 Posts)
attheedgeofsanity Sun 01-May-16 22:49:20

Got a 18 month old DD and am 38 weeks pregnant with DC2. I was playing with DD earlier this evening and she was laughing hysterically. Out of nowhere DH said "How come you love her again?" And seeing I was a bit shock he explained that I had gone through a period where I couldn't wait to get away from her and I was very unaffectionate and maybe now that I was pregnant my maternal instinct had "kicked back in again."

The truth of it - or at least the truth I have told myself - is that I breastfed her for 9 months, all that time DD being my limpet, me being the only one she would go to or who would take care of her, because DH has always worked all hours til very very late and never done any childcare. And then when I stopped BF-ing, I started getting a bit of childcare from a nanny (18 hours a week), got fit, started bits of work (I work for myself,) felt more back to myself - but it was just a period of defining myself again as a person AND a mother, not a rejection of DD. Of course now I'm the business-end of pregnant again, things are slowing down, I've stopped work and have more time to dedicate to games all day with DD, but really, most of my time and certainly nearly all of my thoughts, since she was born, have been dedicated to DD.

So his comment made me cry. Just the thought that the person who knows me the best and should know my relationship with DD the best can give such a unanimous verdict through a question about "loving her again" like that! Maybe I am super sensitive because of being heavily preg, I don't know. But I have just given so much. It has been me who has nursed her through illness, got up in the night with her, weaned her, played with her, had my body change beyond recognition twice in two years, ridden the hormonal roller coaster, gone back to work, done everything simultaneously, all the time DH working, working working - and he can just make that comment and expect it to not have an effect.

He apologised and backtracked and said he was being cheeky, but that question has stayed with me and he expects me to forget it. Do you think I am being sensitive? Do you think he just doesn't understand? I am not quite sure why I am so upset about it. Maybe just hormones?

AnotherEmma Sun 01-May-16 22:59:13

Because he's a twat?

Sorry, blunt. Here's a longer answer: Because he has clearly left the burden of parenting to you and he doesn't even have the decency to show you a bit of appreciation, understanding and tact. I can understand that it's upsetting.

Maybe you could ask him if he loves his DD since he seems to prefer working?

Eminado Sun 01-May-16 23:01:31

Don't dismiss it as hormones. I completely understand what you mean. Completely.

I think you should tell your DH what you said here and that he should think before he speaks.

You sound like a great mum though flowers

He would be under the patio left to me, but I'm also main carer and pregnant though so......confused

Eminado Sun 01-May-16 23:03:02

Maybe you could ask him if he loves his DD since he seems to prefer working?

Brilliant comeback! Do this.
I am angry on your behalf.

Aussiebean Sun 01-May-16 23:08:44

He obviously has no idea what it is to be a first time mum who has been left to do everything.

I have a hands on dh, but there were times when I really just wanted to have a long break where I wasn't on duty and didn't have to do the next feed and could read a book or watch all of the tv program without being interrupted.

You love them with all your heart, but you need a little break and recharge.

The fact he doesn't understand that at all, shows he has very little understanding of what you do as a mother and maybe you two should have a chat about what he is going to do when number 2 comes

Isetan Sun 01-May-16 23:12:16

In what universe is critiquing your love for your daughter considered cheeky? For some reason he chose to put you in your place by going for the jugular and because he's an unimaginative coward, he's hiden behind some lame arsed excuse. I bet this isn't the first time you've been a victim of his 'humour'.

His hurtful pathetic comments say more about him than they will ever say about you.

Isetan Sun 01-May-16 23:14:48

Dismissing this as ignorance is giving him far too much bloody credit.

haveacupoftea Mon 02-May-16 13:45:53

He sounds jealous of the love you are giving to DD and the fun you two have together. Any wonder he is feeling left out if he is never there.

expotition Mon 02-May-16 14:52:48

What haveacupoftea said. He's jealous.

AnyFucker Mon 02-May-16 14:55:41

Cheeky ?

It's a lot more than cheeky

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 02-May-16 15:18:24

You are obviously so much better at being a parent than he is, so he is bringing you down a peg or two twenty to soothe his ego. What a jerk.

He should be imprinting the lovely image on his brain for perpetuity and thanking a higher authority, as well as you, for his blessings.

Moistly Mon 02-May-16 15:28:54

He has been thoughtless and insensitive. I bet he had no idea whatsoever how much it would hurt you, I bet he didn't intend to either.
He hasn't the foggiest clue how motherhood has changed you. I doubt he could ever understand.
Do not doubt yourself. flowers

BlueFolly Mon 02-May-16 15:31:38



DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke Mon 02-May-16 17:21:25

I would tell him that he is being a cunt and to fuck off to the far side of fuck. And when he got there he could keep on going.

What an ignorant, hurtful and fucking twatty thing to say. I presume he works? If so then ask him if he stops loving your DD during his working hours, just because he's not physically present with her? Is he usually such a fucking idiot?

lateforeverything Mon 02-May-16 17:24:44

I don't have bio dc so can only imagine how much you've been through physically but if my dh spoke to me like that at all I'd pretty much echo DailyMail hmm

DixieNormas Mon 02-May-16 17:32:10

what a fucking twat

Naicehamshop Mon 02-May-16 19:48:36

That is an absolutely horrible and unkind thing to say. I don't know if he is deliberately being unkind or if he is just too stupid to understand the impact of what he has said.
Don't know which is worse really. sad

dollytrix Mon 02-May-16 21:02:55

I think he's jealous too!

You sound like a superb Mummy. As our babies get a little older, it's natural to claw back some of that precious 'me time'.

I think my DH gets jealous too. DD is constantly asking for mummy at the moment (she's 2) and I made a comment about it. DH sniped back "it wasn't so long ago when she refused to call you mummy at all."

Sounds to me like you're doing great x

yehyehright Tue 03-May-16 04:52:38

What a dickhead. Make sure he hears loud and clear how offensive and inappropriate that was.

DH once had a massive go at me for making poor decisions with the kids, not consulting him before doing things like signing them up for activities and the like (this was when ds broke an instrument that belonged to school). DH is 100% lazy about childcare and does zero whenever possible, then had the audacity to criticise me when I do basically the whole lot without complaining. I did tell him right where he could fuck off to like dailymail said. It was like he viewed himself as my manager or something: I should do all the grunt work but consult him about strategy. Well he doesn't think that any more grin

Moreover our children are now old enough to remark on his relative inactivity so he can't hide.

icklekid Tue 03-May-16 05:21:35

Please don't let his comments stop you from being you and doing things for yourself. You rightly know this doesn't stop you loving dd any less. It is so important that you do these things when you are ready- I'm a far better mum when I have a balanced life and am happy.

Your dh was rude and unkind, at best he just hadn't thought through what he said. Please try and have a conversation about how much it upset you and perhaps how he can be more involved with this baby so it's not all down to you!

FreeProteinFromTheSky Tue 03-May-16 05:42:45

You are right to be upset and offended. What a tosser!

HolgerDanske Tue 03-May-16 07:41:07

He can fuck right off! What a horrible thing to say.

Sparklingsky Tue 03-May-16 08:07:52

Wow this must've been horrid to hear from the person you say knows you the best! It is hugely insensitive. (I hope he didn't say it in front of your DD??) No wonder you feel hurt! You sound like an absolutely dedicated, fab mum. If he hasn't been involved much then he has no idea how tough it can be, and how much you needed a bit of a break sometimes.

TBH I wouldn't bother with some of these agrees I've suggestions - particularly if you think it'll start an argument. (Sounds like you can do without that right now). I would definitely say a the bits in your post about having stopped work you have more time to spend with DD but you have always loved her and had her in your thoughts.

Is it possible that he just doesn't understand maternal love in the way you do? He sounds remarkable insensitive and at least in this instance kicking empathy.

Hat off to you for the 9 months beat feeding. That's really hard to do, and takes huge amounts of dedication and determination. flowers

Sparklingsky Tue 03-May-16 08:11:51

(Predictive text ran away with itself there!) -more aggressive suggestions
Breast feeding

AnotherEmma Tue 03-May-16 08:47:42

Don't say anything that you think might start an argument - in other words, be a doormat?!

Well that's crap advice.

No one suggested starting an argument for the sake of it. But the OP needs to challenge his shit attitude and if he doesn't like that, so be it.

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