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It's finally blown with narc mother

(8 Posts)
Bella912 Sun 01-May-16 18:05:27

I really need advice from anyone who has a mother who is a narcissist.

I will try and cut a long story short but I have had years and years of being emotionally drained due to my mother. In order to cope after a very upsetting incident 2 years ago I took a step back and reduced contact to what I could cope with which was a weekly visit and texts during the week. I put up with moods and silent treatment, guilt trips etc, every visit it awkward and I am only tolerated now in order for her to see my kids.

I have a child with sn and a adopted child. The day I met my adopted son my mum emailed me telling me what a terrible mother I was and all that was wrong with my sn child is my bad parenting. It broke my heart as we have been working so hard to get ds the help he needs and also she shit all over the long awaited day we met our new son.

I let it go but it's always been there the elephant in the room but at that point I took the step back.

She has been ill in the past and is currently well and has been for some time. In her head she is still sick and for a long time was very demanding of me. I was there every step of the way often to the detriment of my kids and dh. My dad is also unwell and I doubt has long to go. This breaks my heart as she is his carer so I have to see her to see him. She has fired all help in way of carers and insists she is the only one to care for him but depends on me and friends. This is itself is hard as I live 45 miles from her. I can't explain how much I have done for her but nothing is ever enough.

So... If you have managed this far well done. This week has been busy but I seen her Friday and Saturday was working mon - wed and also had mental health and hospital visits for my son with sn. I texted her on Thursday asking how they were and never received a reply. I texted again Friday and got a torrent of abuse back about how I don't care and if it was down to me my dad could be sitting their without access to help if she had had a heart attack or stroke. I am a embarrassment to her and offer nothing in the way of help. I am heartless and cruel and was uninvited from looking after my dad the next day as was planned.

I can't even say I'm upset. I'm just stunned that it's come to this and upset at the prospect of being kept from my dad. She never sees anything from anyone else's point of view and I swear I'm not lying when I say I have done so much for her when it was needed.

Where do I go from here?

GipsyDanger Sun 01-May-16 18:14:06

I'd call her bluff, if you are so useless and and an embarrassment - fine! See how she copes on her own for a week or 2. I'd bet she'd come crawling back and at that point decide whether you want contact or not. Id try and see if you can manage to see your dad without her. Life is really too short, how many years have you spent jumping through her hoops? Has it made you happy?
Also, is a relationship with your kids really helping anything or are they learning that their mother is not to be respected

flowers I'm sorry for your dad

Puff42 Sun 01-May-16 18:18:05

I would imagine it has to do with how much you want to see your dad right now. If he wasn't in the picture, I'd honestly go very low or even no contact with her. But because your dad is with her and he is ill, as you said you'll have to see her to see him.

Are you familiar with the concept of 'medium chill' when dealing with narcs? It's a technique used to keep yourself protected from engaging with them. Lots of good tips on the outofthefog web site about it.

And if you still want to visit your dad tomorrow, I say go.

Bella912 Sun 01-May-16 18:22:02

Thank you Gypsy. I know I keep saying that too life is too short but honestly there is only so much I can take.

There is so way I can see him without her or that's what would have happened 2 years ago. It's all just gone too far and so many things have happened that I just can't forgive. I have tried for everyone's sake to put things aside but she can't cope with the way I am now and the fact that I am no longer at her beck and call.

Bella912 Sun 01-May-16 18:23:08

Thank you puff I will look into that. I have been told not to go she has found someone else she can rely on!

tribpot Sun 01-May-16 18:28:39

The fact that you regard a weekly visits with texts in between as 'stepping back' says it all - this must have been suffocating.

Seeing your parents every week is a LOT. I get on with mine and I probably do speak to them most weeks but see them, say, 4 times a year. Even my brother who lives nearby probably only sees them once every other month. Weekly is way too much for someone who is sucking the joy out of your life.

I also think leave it for a couple of weeks and see if she comes back to you. If you think things might be imminent for your dad, I would go and see him tomorrow as Puff says. But there's no point in backing down - I suspect you are going to find she becomes like a limpet once she doesn't have anyone else to focus her attention on and you need to start distancing yourself from her now to cope with that.

tribpot Sun 01-May-16 18:29:04

Cross-posted with you. She's told you not to go, you don't have to obey.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 01-May-16 18:36:45

It is not your fault your mother is like this, you did not make her that way.

It is really not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and the people who only bother with them are those who have had special training in dealing with them i.e. the now adult children of such deplorably bad parents. She was not a good parent to you and is not a good grandparent figure to your children. What made you at all think that she could be in any way a decent sort to any grandchildren. She has proven most wanting.

Do not put yourself in your mother's firing line any more and reduce all contact with a view to going no contact. Where are your boundaries with regards to them?. Its likely that you've always been encouraged not to really have any and to put your own needs last.

You also need to protect your children from her malign influences. Narcissistic grandparents are terrible role models as grandparent figures and she will likely use them to get back at you (she is already using them to undermine your own parenting skills).

I am sorry to hear about your dad but he has been a bystander here and has
failed you over many years in the parenting stakes. He has failed to protect your from childhood from her malign influence. He is really her hatchet man here as well as her willing enabler; women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them. Your dad has fitted that bill.

Do read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic mothers. I would also suggest you read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread as you will get some further counsel there as well.

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