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Hand holding please - I've done it and am bit of a mess

(32 Posts)
StarsAligning Sun 01-May-16 15:21:37

I've told him I want to split. 14 years of marriage 3 kids. Been wavering for a long time

He's gone off to a mates. I must have told him ten times but he didn't want to listen. He was very reasonable. I think he's in denial. I feel shit

springydaffs Sun 01-May-16 15:22:33


StarsAligning Sun 01-May-16 15:23:47

Thanks you've made me cru

StarsAligning Sun 01-May-16 15:23:54


HolgerDanske Sun 01-May-16 15:24:14

flowers I've been there and it's a really, really shit place to be.

Keep strong in the knowledge that at this stage it will absolutely be the best thing for everyone involved.

Cup of tea?

StarsAligning Sun 01-May-16 15:29:26

Yes please. No sugar

StarsAligning Sun 01-May-16 15:29:58

I thought I would feel relieved but I feel absolutely shit

springydaffs Sun 01-May-16 15:31:49

Hold on, it will pass. It just is very upsetting, regardless the circumstances flowers

I felt shit when I left my horrifically abusive ex. Makes no sense but there it is. You and I didn't walk down the aisle for that did we? But here it is and it has to be.

Hurts though flowers

ChipInTheSugar Sun 01-May-16 15:32:08

Been there, got the t shirt. Mine went and sat in the garden reading after I told him - wtf!

But you haven't said this on a whim. Yes, you feel shit, but short term pain for long term gain. Keep your eye on the future flowers

StarsAligning Sun 01-May-16 15:34:21

Tell me it gets better. I fully expect him to get angry at some stage. And then maybe pleading. He kind of thinks we are trying again. I kept telling him no. I've told him I'm going in to the spare room. We're going to relate, my aim is to facilitate the split. I think he thinks it's to get talking. What else do I say? Fuck so messed up

springydaffs Sun 01-May-16 15:47:08

Well, it isn't at all messed up, is it? It's clear re: you don't want to be married to him any more. You've said it enough times. He's not listening. That's it, in a nutshell.

rememberthetime Sun 01-May-16 15:51:35

Careful not to get sucked back in. That's what happens next. I am in almost the exact same situation. Waiting for couples counselling to make sure split is done correctly. Bit believe he thinks it is to reconcile. I have no Spare room. For the most part we ate enjoying each others company but I haven't changed my mind. Just take it step by step.

StarsAligning Sun 01-May-16 16:02:58

Thanks xx I will take it one step at a time. I'll book the relate thing as soon as I can. Bloody chose bank holiday. He says he's going to take dcs out tomorrow to give me a break.... Too little too late

He's accused me of not saying anything and closing up. Yes I have but I've also told him numerous times that I'm struggling, unhappy exhausted. True I hadn't said a split was on the cards until now so he thinks I at least owe him a chance. Fuck fuck fuck.

Eyes are stinging and I didn't get much sleep last night. Don't suppose I will tonight either

Awoof Sun 01-May-16 16:07:42

Oh love flowers
I did it two weeks ago. It does fucking hurt. I've had a full tidal feelings of sadness/relief the last week or so. I did have to get very very blunt a few days ago. It isn't easy and I'm still in the eye of the storm but I know it will get better. Big hugs to you

InstinctivelyITry Sun 01-May-16 16:19:55

it does ease ... the emotions dull somewhat as time passes.... 'D'H moved out in Feb - 6 months after we split.

I ended up ill for the best part of a fortnight ... was so run-down and probably the release and relief of him not living there any more helped to bring on ear/throat infection.

Don't get me wrong - there are often days when I feel like I'm in a bubble of surreal weirdness ... of course its to be expected... but on the whole it is far less stressful and I'm learning to re-establish healthier boundaries. These are all very conscious decisions which you will be able to make when your head is clearer.

One step at a time, one day at a time. Look after you. Buy some vitamins or a tonic... Get to bed early as often as you can. You will need lots of R&R in the aftermath.

All the very best x

InstinctivelyITry Sun 01-May-16 16:21:01

btw I was 11 years of marriage and three children. I'm 40 now.

StarsAligning Sun 01-May-16 16:26:38

Oh fuck I'm starting to feel awful for him. The man I loved, still love and I'm causing him horrendous pain. Didn't expect that

Penfold007 Sun 01-May-16 16:49:22

Stars if you still love him why do you want to end the marriage? I'm not being goady but there must be a very valid reason, perhaps focusing on that would helpflowers

ChipInTheSugar Sun 01-May-16 17:46:10

He shouldn't need the possibility of you splitting up to make him suddenly step up! If you've told him how you were feeling, THAT was the point he should have talked to you and changes things.

Google hysterical bonding - you may be about to experience that. I took years to get to the right place and time to split up, and STILL ended up sleeping with my emotionally, financially and sexually abusive ex after we split.

Naicehamshop Sun 01-May-16 18:39:15

I am just wavering on the brink of doing the same thing op. Why is it so hard? I just don't understand it! I know I don't want to be with him but I feel guilty just at the thought of saying it to him. sad
These are for you and I hope you start to feel better soon. flowers

PurpleWithRed Sun 01-May-16 18:44:51

He is likely to go through the standard stages of grief - denial, pain&guilt, anger, sadness then acceptance. You'll do roughly the same thing but you're probably at pain and guilt right now. Be prepared for it all to make no sense and be pretty messy for quite a while yet: it's a long game.

Funko Sun 01-May-16 18:45:15

I felt exactly the same when I finally ended my marriage. I hated the fact I was hurting someone so my hurting could end. It felt so selfish. You WILL have to put a wall up for a while because you will have to battle against all his emotions. The trying very hard to please, the begging and pleading followed by anger. It will get better but may get a little turbulent for a while. Be ready for it and allow go to have these stages of grief but don't waver. I ended up agreeing to 'try' for another nearly two weeks but I didn't want to and my heart really wasn't in it....

Over two years later my divorce will be done by end of month and we get on absolutely fine now and co parent pretty well.

Funko Sun 01-May-16 18:46:14

allow him to go through

StarsAligning Sun 01-May-16 19:23:17

Thanks all. I shall Google hysterical bonding thanks

It was so hard/is so hard because I'm hurting him. I know it takes two but still...

Question about still loving him, yes I do but not in that way anymore, more like a brother.

The reasons it went awry: we are both from abusive childhoods and I think we were co dependent. We have both been through counselljng, he still it. He's is very damaged but it finally making some progress but in the meantime he is all of these things that have just Erin me down
Emotionally unavailable for me and kids
Pot smoker
rages against the world
Can get paranoid
Victim mentality
Suicidal thoughts

I know where it all stems from and I understand but can't cope. If he's not at work, he will be in his room most of the time. I have to cope with the lions share of the house work, childcare, admin you name it and I work pt - having said that, my job is my escapesmile

Feeling really delicate. He's not home yet

StarsAligning Mon 02-May-16 14:44:13

Ok so I slept in spare room last night. Explained to dcs it was due to snoring. He's talked me in to holding on until he has finished a really big business deal. That will take at least a couple of months. He is wobbling re mh issues. I said there is no way I can promise anything. I've caved, haven't l? sad

I'm thinking that I can get my ducks in a row. It hasn't changed my mind. I know he does suffer from bad mh issues but am also aware that he could be using it to keep me there. I also know it's a really bad time business wise and I'm also aware that there will be other 'bad times' and never the right time iyswim? But I know right now is particularly bad. So my thoughts are to start preparing. He knows now that there's a strong likelihood that we will split. He says it's not a shock and he doesn't blame me.

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