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Am I selfish?

(57 Posts)
Lara91 Sun 01-May-16 13:11:41

Im beating myself up about this but its making me really anxious.
Im in a relationship with a man who has a (now) 17 year old son.( he was 13 when I met his dad)
I have a 25 year old daughter who has long since flown the nest.
Prior to us meeting 4 years ago my partner had never taken his son on holiday..He made up various excuses (he couldnt afford to take him being one)
Since meeting me we have taken his son away on holiday for the last 4 years and for the last 2 years he brought a friend with us.
This year my partner is expecting us to go on holiday with his son again, but this time with his son taking 2 mates both who are 18. We stay in a family holiday home and its all of us under one roof.
Im so stressed about it.
My partner genuinally thinks its totally expected of me to want to holiday in one property with 3 older teenage lads who will be drinking/parting at night and lounging around all day.
Last year I was constantly picking up underwear and flushing toilets (theirs) and making sure my door was shut when I was in my bedroom etc...
None if them are mine and I think at my age if my partner wants them to come on holiday then he should be taking them himself.

TheStoic Sun 01-May-16 13:16:40

That's not my idea of a holiday.

Can't imagine it's their idea of a holiday either, with you two around? Although I guess you and your partner are paying for it all.

Send them all off together. I wouldn't even hesitate to do that.

MiddleClassProblem Sun 01-May-16 13:16:40

Is it all booked? I was 17 when I first went on hols with my friends. Will seeing if this could be suggested, maybe they want their own hol and you go away just for two? Or at least try and book in a weekend away when you come back just you two to recover from sharing a property with lads on tour

OurBlanche Sun 01-May-16 13:17:32

Tell him plainly, calmly... have a good holiday, all you boys together.

If he thinks you are being silly/stuffy tell him painly, calmly, he can hire a skivvy when he gets there.

Then book yourself onto a hobby, workshop whatever and enjoy yourself doing something you want to do.

DoreenLethal Sun 01-May-16 13:19:08

That is no holiday!

He can expect all he wants - when he asks just snort 'no thanks mate' and book your own holiday either just with him or on your own.

RandomMess Sun 01-May-16 13:20:12

Ew no way!!! Not my idea of a holiday at all!

ImperialBlether Sun 01-May-16 13:22:30

Flushing toilets? Ugh I wouldn't go on holiday with someone who couldn't flush a toilet, never mind the rest. OP, that's not a holiday - you're invited (and presume you're paying for more than just your share?) so that they have a live in cleaner. Tell them to sod off and that it's not your idea of a holiday.

FinallyHere Sun 01-May-16 13:30:30

OK, tell him that's its no fund for you, you have no intention of going on holiday with people now you know they can't work the loo flush. Ask him whether he wants to go with them, or send them off on thier own. Let us know what happens.

P.s. Who paid last year? Whose paying this year?

MiddleClassProblem Sun 01-May-16 13:38:00

Even a holiday staying in different accommodation or a hotel with own rooms is better so he can see them, you can all meet for dinner or go to the beach one day then have the rest of the time as a couple, boys time

Summerlovinf Sun 01-May-16 13:38:13

Don't go if you don't fancy it.

suspiciousofgoldfish Sun 01-May-16 13:50:38

This sounds like a shit holiday. Say no.

SeptemberFlowers Sun 01-May-16 13:58:58

Not selfish at all, I would be merrily waving them off whilst enjoying the peace and quiet at home. Please tell me that the lads friends have paid for themselves in the past ?

sixinabed Sun 01-May-16 14:02:15

Definitely not selfish.

Lara91 Sun 01-May-16 14:11:23

The accomodation is paid for as it belongs to my side of the family so we get to use it for free...
Thankyou for your support everyone..You have no idea how much stress this is causing me.
When I tried to explain how I felt, he suggested we go for 2 weeks and the lads all come for 7,8 days but I just dont want to be under one roof with all those lads in my space.
My daughter is appauled and says that being expected to share precious holiday time with 3 teenage/young men who are not related to me is totally unacceptable no matter whether its for one week , 2 weeks or 2 days.

FinallyHere Sun 01-May-16 14:13:13

You daughter has a point.

Is this really just about the holiday? What is the rest of your life like?

Summerlovinf Sun 01-May-16 14:18:35

Your husband has made a sensible suggestion but you still don't fancy it. That's ok, you could reply honestly to him saying 'thanks but I'm not going to come with you this time. You and the boys have a great time'. What are you frightened of?

MiddleClassProblem Sun 01-May-16 14:19:57

And maybe you and a friend/daughter/DP go another time so you still get a hol

HolgerDanske Sun 01-May-16 14:23:11

Let them go, and have yourself two weeks blissful holiday by yourself or with your daughter or a friend.

You're not being selfish. Or unreasonable. They can have a lad's holiday but there's no need for you to be the resident skivvy.

SeaCabbage Sun 01-May-16 14:34:07

I think at 17, you go on holiday with your kids only if you think it will be enjoyable. There is no moral reason why you should grin.

Does your partner actually want to do this? If he does, sure, let him go by himself with them now. You said he genuinely thinks that it is expected that you would want to do this. Well if you tell him actually you don't want to, then he won't think that anymore will he? smile

Do you have any friend or relative of his who might put across your side and from whom he might understand better. Sad though it is if you need to do this.

Good luck from us all here in not going on the holiday from hell.

Lara91 Sun 01-May-16 14:34:20

We're not married, he's my partner.
I just dont feel comfortable sharing space with 3 x 17/18 year old male teenagers. Im a 52 year old mother of a girl and think I have been so accommodating and understanding for the last 4 years...all previous holidays have been with us taking the boys for 2 weeks.

I tried to explain how I felt a few weeks ago when I stripped my partners sons bed and found he had been doing what teenage boys do...My partner was oblivious and was saying...what do you expect he's growing up"....
His son has also just been grounded for experimenting in drugs and admitted he went to a clinic to get checked out for STD's as he's now sexually active.
3 x older teenage boys plus my partner plus me all under 1 roof....Makes me anxious thinking about it..

HolgerDanske Sun 01-May-16 14:37:48

You are perfectly within your rights to feel that way. And it doesn't really matter if he can't relate to how you feel. Just tell him to go and spend the couple of weeks with them on his own. It really isn't a big deal.

HolgerDanske Sun 01-May-16 14:38:57

Also a man who is 'growing up' can strip his own bed. And wash his own bedding.

Lara91 Sun 01-May-16 14:44:02

Thankyou all so much.

I just need to pluck up courage now and tell him I dont want to go and why...x

SeaCabbage Sun 01-May-16 14:44:05

I don't really see why your partner is going, even without you?

Why doesn't the boy holiday with his friends and your partner holiday with you?

That's sounds much more normal and pleasant!

Gide Sun 01-May-16 14:46:45

Just tell him a) you don't want to go or b) you don't want them going. I think they are the two obvious choices. Plus, your DP has ver taken his child on holiday but now the accommodation is free, he wants him plus 2 mates to go?! He is being unreasonable, frankly. Tell him to shove it, no way would I go.

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