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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Relationships

He's gone

37 replies

ThankGodItsThursday · 01/05/2016 12:53

I've been lurking for a long time but have just joined.

My husband of 12 years has just gone. He says he doesn't love me anymore. We've not been happy like we used to be for a while but I thought it was just something we would get through.

I'm numb and so scared.

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ALaughAMinute · 01/05/2016 13:00

You say you've not been happy for a while so maybe it's a good thing that he's left?

Why are you scared?

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HoppingForward · 01/05/2016 13:02

Don't be scared, are you going to be OK financially, do you have DC?

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ThankGodItsThursday · 01/05/2016 13:08

Scared about managing on my own. Will have to sell the house.

I have a daughter, we have no children together. She's off to University in September so I'm worried about money and not being able to help her out like we had planned.

I work 4 days a week but will see if I can go back to 5 days.

It's one thing not being happy but another to know it's over.

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ThankGodItsThursday · 01/05/2016 13:25

How do you pick up the pieces?

Got no one to talk to. Parents are dead, brother lives hundreds of miles away.

Everyone thinks I'm strong but I don't feel it.

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ALaughAMinute · 01/05/2016 15:11

As someone who only recently got divorced I feel for you I really do.

What are your plans for the future? Do you want to get divorced? Have you been to see a solicitor? Do you have a joint bank account?

I know you are probably still in shock but at some stage you need to look at the practicalities

You feel numb and scared now but things will get better. Be strong.

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ThankGodItsThursday · 01/05/2016 17:09

I need to get through the next few days. I feel so sick. Immediate plans - I will have to see about selling the house I can't afford it on my own.

Haven't seen a solicitor - it only happened this morning.

It's stupid but I feel stupid and like my life is over. I'm 50 this year and going to be on my own!

I'm scared I'm going to be lonely forever. Not really got any proper friends anymore. How do you pick up the pieces and start again?

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NapQueen · 01/05/2016 17:14

Have you got a trusted friend you can invite round to spend the evening with you? Someone who is fine with tears and maybe has a "life can be shit but you will do this you are strong" attitude?

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ThankGodItsThursday · 01/05/2016 17:39

No there is no one I can call.

Daughter is here but I'm trying to put a brave face on. She's got exams coming up and I don't want this to stress her out.

We've been together nearly 15 years and they were close but he's just gone without a thought for what it means.

I feel so guilty because her life is going to change now not just mine.

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Naicehamshop · 01/05/2016 19:54

to you op. Stay strong, you will be ok and you may well look back in a little while and realise that it's the best thing that could have happened.

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ALaughAMinute · 01/05/2016 20:33

I know it's hard to believe but one day you might be glad that it happened. I know it's extremely early days but don't assume you will be on your own forever because you don't have to if you don't want to. You might even discover a new you, who knows? Early days I know but there is no need to assume the worst.

As for your daughter - try and stay calm why she is doing her exams and remember that she is about to embark on a new life and that she's not a baby any more.

And don't forget to look after yourself as you will find this a very stressful time even though you will get through it.

Once you've got over the shock I would strongly advise that you see a solicitor. Do you have anyone you can talk to in RL?

Come back and talk to us if you need to, there are plenty of women on MN who have been in a similar situation and would be able to advise you on anything you need to know.

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BG2015 · 01/05/2016 21:24

I split with my exh back in 2005, we divorced 2 years later. I had 2 DC under 5. I then met my exDP online in 2008 and we were together for 6 years but split in December 2013.

It is a horrible, sad and frightening experience when you separate.It was no easier the second time around. Fortunately I had wonderful family and friends to support me.

You will feel so many different emotions but it will get better, I promise you. You can start again and create new friendships - there is so much out there to do, Meetup groups, join the gym, walking groups but that will be way down the line, you need to think about the practical stuff first and look after your own well being.

Try to eat well and rest.

Post on MN if you need to

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DraughtyWindow · 01/05/2016 23:15

I'm the same age as you! One DD and also on my own. No family. At least you have a property to sell! I only rent. Spend your energy making plans and try not to worry about being on your own. I know it's hard but you can do it. Just take each day for what it has to offer. There's no point in wasting energy thinking about what might happen so concentrate your efforts on making whatever you want to happen, happen, iyswim!

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Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/05/2016 00:06

Why are you scared.
With much respect. What a stupid bloody question. She's scared because the man she loves. Although granted may not always like, has gone from her life. She's scared of the emotional and indeed financial impact.
Massive ((((((((((((())))))))))))))) for you, op.
I know it doesn't seem like it now, Sweetheart, but the light at the end of the tunnel will be there. X

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ALaughAMinute · 02/05/2016 07:01

I asked if the OP was scared as I thought she might have been a victim of abuse as I was. It was a perfectly reasonable question and I was just trying to help.

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ALaughAMinute · 02/05/2016 07:02

*asked why she is scared

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ThankGodItsThursday · 02/05/2016 07:59

Thanks everyone whose posted.

I've been to bed. I felt so tired but I couldn't sleep. I know I need to eat but I can't. It feels like there's something stuck in my throat!

To answer ALaugh I'm not scared off him I'm scared of the future. I had a picture of what it would be like in my mind and now that's been shattered. Maybe it's not true but I just feel like it would be so much easier to face the future if I was younger.

It was such a shock. I'd been asking what we should spend the day doing. We had breakfast, he showed me some funny pictures on his phone. Then he went upstairs, came down, said he felt sick so I asked him if he was OK thinking he meant actually unwell and he said we 'needed to talk'.

I agreed said things weren't right but I still loved him and wanted to work at things and he said he didn't! He hadn't been happy for a long while. I asked him if there was someone else. He denied it but then admitted that there 'might' be. I asked how there could might be and it turns out that according to him they've been texting (for months)!

I told him I didn't believe him that he wouldn't do all this on the basis of texts alone so something must have happened.

Don't know who it is not that it really matters. There's no going back from this is there. I honestly think it's a case of the grass is greener but again that doesn't matter. Even if he realises what a massive mistake he's made I could never trust him again.

So I'm scared and I feel sick and I've got no one to talk to so I'm posting on here and hoping for some responses. It makes me feel a little less alone.

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DraughtyWindow · 02/05/2016 08:21

Whereabouts are you OP?

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Shakey15000 · 02/05/2016 08:25

You're definitely not alone here

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ThankGodItsThursday · 02/05/2016 08:37

Draughty I'm in the West Midlands.

I used to be quite sociable but I don't know how to be now. I thought we were each other's best friends and there was no one I'd rather spend time with so I stopped making the effort really to keep other friendships going.

I think marriage like friendships requires effort and time etc and I felt like I could only manage the one or the other not both!

I think that he thinks marriage doesn't/shouldn't require effort but should be fun and exciting like at the beginning of a relationship. Not like it is when you get bogged down in actual real life, work, etc.

I think this new relationship is exciting, secretively texting each other, must feel great like all new relationships do.

I found myself thinking last night that if I could just see my daughter graduate then I'd be happy to get ill and die because I cant see me ever feeling any better. I'm sitting here crying now and I know it's wrong and I'm being weak but I just feel so awful.

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Kr1stina · 02/05/2016 08:44

You WILL feel better in the future and it's not wrong to cry . It's only natural that you will be shocked and devastated.

Isn't there anyone you can call who could come over to be with you today - a colleague, neighbour , friend ?

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ThankGodItsThursday · 02/05/2016 08:51

I know I sound odd. Who doesn't have anyone they can call? Me I don't.

If I did I would. I think it would be slightly more bearable if I had someone to talk to but over the last few years we've only really socialised with his friends and their wives and I'm certainly not close enough to the wives to call them.

Sitting here now I know that this is a situation I allowed to happen but there's nothing I can do now about it. Someone earlier said I can/will make new friends but how do you do that at the grand age of 50?

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DraughtyWindow · 02/05/2016 08:52

Oh bless you. I have been there and it's really shit right now I know. I'm originally from up that way and all my history is there. I don't have close friends where I am now and I don't have 'history' down here (160 miles further away), even though I moved 16 years ago.
I understand how hurt, bereft and hopeless you feel, but just keep breathing. If not for you for your daughter. You will feel better, but it takes time. At the moment it's just too raw to contemplate the 'future'. Take each day. If you're struggling, take each hour. You'll be alright. Be kind to yourself. PM me if you need to. X

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HazelBite · 02/05/2016 09:40

I know everything seems bleak at the moment but you have a DD who loves and despite being an adult, depends on you.
Look after yourself at the moment, and make plans, I have a friend who was in a similar situation that you, and it took time but she does have a better life now than she did with her exH. Incidentally after the "new" relationship went tits up he wanted to come back and declared his undying love etc, but she decided that she preferred her life without him.

I really feel for you, life is really shitty at the moment but it can only get better, try and get your social life back on track, take each day as it comes

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ThankGodItsThursday · 02/05/2016 10:05

I know it's awful but I just keep thinking it would be easier if he was dead.

There's the financial stuff like life insurance so the mortgage would be cleared and I'd not feel like I'd failed or got something to be embarrassed about. I feel like it's my fault he doesn't love me anymore. If he doesn't love me why would anyone else.

On a positive note I've forced a slice of toast down. It was hard but I'd not eaten since breakfast yesterday and knew it would just get harder and harder to face food.

When he left he said shall I text you later in the week! I said no. But why would he say that? He said I'm sorry and I said no you're not, sorry wouldn't have done what you are doing. He was surprised when I told him to leave. What did he think I was going to say? He told me I didn't seem that upset and I said I'm broken inside but if I start crying I won't be able to stop.

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Kr1stina · 02/05/2016 14:58

Yes it might well be easier if he were dead . But he's not and murdering him would complicate things even more, tempting thought it might be .

It's not your fault that he's having an affair. It's completely his choice .

He's not doing it because of problems in your marriage. He's doing it because he's an entitled shit . Anyone decent would talk about the problems first with you and try to resolve them .

Well done on the toast , try to keep eating little and often . It's fine if all you can manage is snacks like toast , cereal , cheese or fruit . Don't worry about making proper meals unless you want to .

You did the right thing to say no to a text. You're right. He's sorry that he's screwed up but not sorry enough not to do it in the first place .

You are also right to keep calm and dignified in front of him . Well done on not getting upsetting, don't give him the satisfaction. Bastard.