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How do I tell exH we're moving away?

(12 Posts)
Bitchqueen90 Sun 01-May-16 12:52:01

Ok. I recently posted a thread in a different forum explaining my situation. I'm a lone parent to an almost 3 year old ds, exH and I separated when he was 10 months. There was no animosity, we just married too young and realised we wanted different things.

I have been accepted to do an undergrad at a university in a city about 2 hours away from where I currently live. After much debating I've decided to take it. It could mean a great future for ds and I.

ExH is a train driver, he works long hours and weekends etc so he has ds about one night a fortnight, usually on a weekday. I can't help but feel guilty that I'm "taking" his son away as ds starts full time nursery in September so having him on weekdays won't be possible. He gets Sundays off and I will be coming home to see my family very often so he can see him then but overnight visits will be limited.

Other times I don't feel so guilty as he has let me down a few times and I feel he puts his social life before ds. Example - he usually gets 3/4 days off in a row as he works shifts but he never wants ds for more than one night (I told him he can see ds as much as he wants). I always let him choose which of his days off he has ds and I work my own social life around that.

Last December I had a date with a man I'd been seeing (briefly). Ds was meant to be going to ExH for the night. On that day about lunchtime exH rang me and said he was at work (day shift) and he was stuck in London (we live in the north) doing maintenance on a train and he might not be able to have ds but he would "let me know". I informed my date that I might not be able to make it. At 5pm exH was still "not sure" what time he'd get back but he suggested I have my date at home while my ds was asleep! For a start I had not been seeing this man that long, I do not want any man around my ds unless I know the relationship is genuine and secondly the whole point was for me to go out and have a night off. I cancelled the date. At 8pm exH rang, said he was home and he would still like to have ds. Took ds round to his, exH was drunk. He'd lied about being at work and had been in the pub. Luckily there were no other incidents like that since but it sticks in my mind and makes me wonder why on earth I should feel guilty about what I'm doing for my future.

I'm sorry that got a bit rambling/ranty, what I wanted to ask was how would everyone go about telling him? And do you think it's fair on my ds for me to do it?

Cabrinha Sun 01-May-16 12:59:37

The pissing you about to stop the date is shitty behaviour.
Not stepping up and having his son more is a sad choice for a father.

But for over 2 years he has had his son once a fortnight overnight. That's regular contact.

I think it's a bit off to just move and tell him to lump it. It's not just about the contact now - it's also about removing him from his son's daily life. No nipping to school for the nativity or parents evening. No taking him to swimming practice every Sunday morning when not working. That's about your son, not your ex.

I think that the default should always be to TRY to stay local. Was this the only place you could get to study this course?

I do think that 2 hours isn't so bad a distance when it's once a fortnight. But as the one moving, it should fall to you to keep the contact, which means travelling to take your son back to his father.

jclm Sun 01-May-16 12:59:54

Two hours away is hardly anything! Your son is starting school soon anyway so the weekday arrangement would not have worked for much longer tbh.

There are many agreements you could come up with with exh. Hopefully more will.come along with their experiences of co parenting.

Good luck with your studies and career - what are you studying? BTW you may have to be quite geographically mobile in the first few years of a new career, depending what the job is.

Cabrinha Sun 01-May-16 13:02:47

Sorry, didn't answer directly to your questions.

No, I don't think it's fair on your son to do it - unless you really did try other opportunities. Not many people in the UK live 2 hours away from a university, so I wonder if you could have done it closer.

As for telling his dad, I would tell him the facts that you're moving for the course, and that you don't see fortnightly contact as being difficult to maintain so you plan to bring your son over - but you'll need him to be disciplined with his work schedule so that you can do that.

dailymailphequers Sun 01-May-16 13:03:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha Sun 01-May-16 13:06:59

I disagree that two hours is hardly anything. It is the difference between being part of a child's daily life, and not.

I chose to stay 5 minutes from my XH - to my detriment socially and financially.

He is exactly the kind of lazy XH who would have just accepted a night a fortnight. Especially when our daughter was 3, so activities with her weren't as fun for him as they are now (she's 7).

She now has a really close relationship with him and sees him frequently.

Honestly, for my sake I'd rather have just pissed off and let their relationship slide.

But not for her sake.

If she saw him once a fortnight then she'd still be a happy well adjusted child with a positive presence from him. But in my opinion it wouldn't be as good as a father who plays a much greater part in her life.

RandomMess Sun 01-May-16 13:07:59

I think you tell him that you will endeavour to facilitate contact and now DS is older it means in the holidays he can have him to stay to even out the level of contact to what he currently has.

He could take you to court for a prohibitive steps order (I think it is called) however I doubt whether the current situation would mean that it would go in his favour.

Bitchqueen90 Sun 01-May-16 13:16:22

Thank you for the replies. Should have clarified, I did apply to my local university but unfortunately I wasn't accepted.

The last thing I want is to have any kind of negative affect on my ds. I would be prepared to travel so they could maintain a good relationship. Also exH doesn't have to pay for train travel so he would be welcome to visit. I still haven't officially accepted the place yet but I haven't got long to decide and I'm a bit torn.

dailymailphequers Sun 01-May-16 13:22:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-May-16 13:29:30

I would definitely go. Once a fortnight is disgraceful when he's given free access to your son. I'm all for fathers have free access, but you should always note what they do with that. He could see his son on every day he was off, but he doesn't, does he? Move away, make a life for yourself and perhaps take your son there once a month and let him come to see him whenever he wants.

Hissy Sun 01-May-16 13:29:33

2 hours is not in consequential, but it won't be 9-5 will it? And the course is 2 years, and will help the op provide a stable upbringing for her dc.

If the dad wants to make it work, he can. After all he doesn't pay for travel and gets 3-4 days off at a time.

There is no reason why the every other fortnight contact can't continue. I don't think he'd win a prohibitive steps order.

inlectorecumbit Sun 01-May-16 14:38:34

2 hours is really nothing at all. If needed you could make the trip back every 2 weeks for him to have Sunday contact-as has been said up thread weekday contact will stop when your DC starts school anyway.

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