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I need to admit it's over

(43 Posts)
starrytuppence Sun 01-May-16 11:49:43

I have been married for 12 years now and have 3 children 8, 7 and 5. Neither DH or I have any family by- mine are deceased and his are overseas, so in terms of help and support, I don't have any.
He has always been known for being hot headed, but we have always worked through any problems, mainly for the sake of the kids.
I decided two years ago that I wanted it to be over. I could no longer handle the emotional abuse and went as far as going to a solicitor to take a preventative steps order against him (our youngest was with grandparents in Turkey at the time and I needed reassurance that I would get her back). I felt in control and he spent months begging for us to sort things out. I relented, and we were fine for a while, the odd spat here and there. We had an immense amount of pressure put on us last year when we bought a new house. We spent a lot on fixing things, and unfortunately income was low (we run a coffee shop), so the pressure rose again.
He is always in the frame of mind that my only job is to keep him happy, and he has the rest of the responsibility. He fails to acknowledge that not only do I work 6 days a week, I also have to take care of the children, from getting up in the morning, through to three lots of homework and reading every night, trying to keep them up with where they need to be educationally in school etc. I am not necessarily mentally tired, but I am physically tired, and he fails to see that sometimes I need that release of picking up the phone to my Mum and having a chat, or meeting up etc. I can feel very alone.
His parents arrived to stay with us around 10 days ago. It has been great in the sense that MIL has helped out loads at home so that hasn't been an issue. However, when he is around his parents, he has this nack of belittling me, almost like he is being a spoilt brat around them.
I had worked yesterday and come home to take his mum out for a couple of hours. They arrived home after us and as I opened the door, before I even had chance to open my mouth, he started to mock me saying 'look at the state of you, anyone would think you had worked hard and you're exhausted again'.

That was the start of his rant saying he had had enough of me and wanted it to be over. That he was sick of me being so 'done in' all the time and he deserved to be happy. I then went upstairs and listened to him slating me to his parents for a whole hour, to the point I had to turn the extractor on in the bathroom so I couldn't hear his taunts anymore. I had his mum saying she agreed it should be over, and in that moment, my heart broke when I realised that apart from my kids, I had nobody to protect or defend me. It hurt so much.

I open the coffee shop 6 days whilst he sleeps in until 10am+, but he justifies this by saying he works mentally by seeing how we can take the business forward. In other words, bull. He will call me names and make reference to my past in that my dad was an alcoholic, saying last night that my family had palmed their bitch onto him sad

I despise having sex with him because it is all about his satisfaction. Our conversations are made around money and debt and I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me.

I don't want my children to grow up in a house where there is so much anger and hostility, however, I am scared about how I will cope on my own. He has already said he can't look after the kids, and I would be in effect unemployed as I would no longer work in the coffee shop. Whilst I am aware of our money, he has always taken control because I struggle to work out incoming and outgoings and allocating money for things like the overdraft and credit card etc. I am scared I can't cope, but I am more scared that I have realised my marriage is truly over.

serialangstyposter Sun 01-May-16 19:53:16

I am sorry I haven't any helpful advice or experience but I read your post earlier and wanted to say that sounds really tough. Especially not having your mum when you need her. I hope someone else might be able to post more usefully. flowers

Naicehamshop Sun 01-May-16 20:04:58

I have nothing practical to say either but just wanted to tell you that I really feel for you. He sounds awful! Although you think you won't cope, you will you know. I think you know that you will be better off without him. flowers

starrytuppence Sun 01-May-16 20:23:41

I hate him and despise the ground he walks on.
Everything is how he wants it at the moment- his family is here, he calls all shots and he knows I'm trapped as I have nowhere else to go.

He came home from work with FIL and DS. He was looking for the key to the safe to put the takings in, and when he couldn't find it he said to DS 'go and ask it where the key is'. That shows every last ounce of respect he ever had has gone if that's how I'm now referred to.

I have just checked what I would be entitled to and it would be enough to live comfortably. I need that break to show I don't need him in my life, but his parents are here until the end of the month and I don't want to be the one to make their stay hell. I don't need that extra aggro on top of everything else.

His smarminess and lack of emotion repulses me. He couldn't care less about me. I need to try and stay strong for the children so they don't end up having a c**p childhood like I did, but at the moment I've all on looking after myself sad

ICanSeeForMiles Sun 01-May-16 20:31:18

Jeezo, I can't just read and run. I wish I had positive info for you, but honestly, you don't way to live like this. Your children probably don't want to live like this but don't know how to vocalise it to you.
Do yourself a favor and make plans to leave.
Fwiw, as a mother of two boys, if my son ever spoke like that, never mind a sustained bashing, of their wife, they would get short shrift from me, regardless of how happy or unhappy they were.
Utterly unacceptable.

OSETmum Sun 01-May-16 20:32:11

I'd leave right now, this minute if you can. With the children of course. Stuff him and his parents!

RandomMess Sun 01-May-16 20:34:06

sad

So very very sad to read all of that.

What is your housing situation?

TBH I would speak to womans aid and secure a place in a refuge for you and the DC than listen to that angry

Lolimax Sun 01-May-16 20:38:55

Hi. I remember reading a thread of yours before. Please start planning your new life, you are worth so much more that you have now. Good luck.

starrytuppence Sun 01-May-16 21:13:18

Thank you all.

I have a property which was inherited after my Mum passed but both of our names are on the deeds as we remortgaged. He has always said that that house will always be mine regardless and he doesn't want a penny from it. It is currently being rented out.

We also bought a property last summer in which we currently live, again in both names.

There is a flag above the coffee shop and the tenancy agreement for that and the business is just in his name. When we had a spat a few months back, he stayed there, so it would be him that would go as he claims 'that is his'.

He constantly says he has set up this new home so that he knows the kids are comfortable and that they're the only reason I would be staying there. He has told me he can't wait to see how I am in 10 years time when my benefits run out and the kids won't want to know me anymore. Truth is, the kids don't like him much. He can be a good father and the kids never go without, but they see how he treats me and the girls especially say how they don't like it how Daddy shouts at Mummy when she's done nothing wrong.

The thing that I hate is feeling that I would be inadequate. I have no family and my small circle of friends doesn't include anyone I can talk to this about in person. On the other hand, he has a big social circle and thinks that people worship the ground he walks upon when in fact a lot of people know what a prat he is.

If my Mum was alive I would have left him a long time ago. It is the fear of not having anybody that has kept me with him for so long.

I am emotionally drained. He swans around and does what suits him and always turns it around on me as though I am the one who is ungrateful. I have been a complete mug for years now. It would be so much easier if he would just find someone else and clear out of my life.

Thank you for your replies- you guys are the only ears and shoulders I have sad

Daenerys2 Sun 01-May-16 21:24:54

I'm annoyed reading this. He calls you 'it' in front of your son? Leave him or your son will grow up to think it's normal to treat women like dirt. He's a misogynist and sounds utterly repulsive. You and the children deserve better xxx

starrytuppence Sun 01-May-16 21:27:38

I despise the waste of a human being that he is but I hate myself even more for putting up with it for so long sad

RandomMess Sun 01-May-16 21:28:56

Please speak to woman's aid. They will advise you.

I honestly think it's time for you to serve notice to your tenants so you have somewhere to live - in the meantime I think you should go to a refuge. Show your DC that you will not tolerate his attitude whether his parents are there or not.

angry

starrytuppence Mon 02-May-16 03:30:25

He has rolled in with his father stinking of alcohol. I am sharing a bed with the youngest whilst he's in a single bed and he has just come in the room, turning all lights on looking for pyjamas.

I can't even stand the fact that he's in the house with me. The more I read about emotional abuse, the more I realise what he has been doing to me for so long sad

tellyjots Mon 02-May-16 06:22:34

It sounds like you have made your mind up. You need to work out get out without damaging your self esteem any further. Anyone who calls another person it is despicable.

I'm not sure what the practicalities are but maybe start with a solicitor and somewhere to live temporarily. flowers

ravenmum Mon 02-May-16 06:41:20

You have put up with it for so long as he has ground you down so far you've lost all belief in yourself. Don't blame yourself, that is just playing into his hands.

It is daunting when there is so much to do and so many possible obstacles but you do not have to do it all at once. Focus only on what is absolutely necessary now. You can't get a job straight away? Find out about benefits. The job will come eventually.

There are sources of help even when you have no friends or family. The GP is a good place to start. Don't be strong and brave, tell people how much you are struggling. Individual therapy, support groups, antidepressants,try whatever is available.

The friends you think can't help might secretly also be struggling or ready to help. You won't know if you keep it all hidden. It is your soul - crushing situation that is making you feel so hopeless.

truckletheuncivil Mon 02-May-16 06:47:08

I hate to say it, but I'd be making sure the children's passports are somewhere he can't get to them.

Snoringlittlemonkey Mon 02-May-16 06:48:42

Plan, plan, plan. That's the only way you're going to dig your tunnel to get out of this. Accept you've made your decision and start to move forward from there.

Firstly, you said you want to do it when your ILs leave. What date are they leaving on?

Where are your children's passports and all the financial documentation regarding the properties? Get them together and put them in safe place (you could hire a lock box somewhere away from the home for this). Do this bit by bit when you are running errands so he doesn't get suspicious. Collect bank statements and credit card statements and take them away to be put in the box. You could photo copy them or get access to the online account to print out copies. All this stuff is important so you're in a strong position to negotiate a financial settlement. Do you know how much of a salary he is drawing from the business? You can do your CSA calculations based on this.

Who is listed as the owner/s of the coffee shop? Is it a limited company that owns it and are you a director or are you an employee? Do you get payslips or have proof if you are an employee? Have you seen the last tax return he has filed that includes details about wages? This is important to establish employment rights. He cannot just dismiss you if you have rights and this will be a bargaining chip to use in the future.

Start putting together some figures of what benefits you will get and work out what you're monthly income will be.

Get all this done then you can plan the next bit of actually leaving him. You'll feel much better, stronger and more confident.

Do you have any Aunts/Uncles/Cousins that are still around?

You're kids will be so much happier when this is sorted. You will set a great example to your sons in particular about treating women with respect.

Good luck and you can do this. One step at a time.

Snoringlittlemonkey Mon 02-May-16 06:51:50

Sorry for any typos, I was so angry on your behalf I was typing furiously blush

starrytuppence Mon 02-May-16 12:03:24

Thank you LittleMonkey

Unfortunately I'm a one woman band- no relatives at all. That's the thing that is hurting the most- the fact that if my Dad was alive there is no way on this earth he could speak to me like he does. I don't have a single person to fight my corner.

My DS is disabled and taking into account DLA and CA, I would receive around £1800 per month before a wage. I am also a verified interpreter so I could also find work in that field.

The inlaws are here until 29th which although isn't ideal, Gives me more of a break with house duties. That will in turn give me more time to start planning and the kids will be more at ease having Grandma and Grandad.

Snoringlittlemonkey Mon 02-May-16 12:39:08

Great, you've got a budget and you've got skills. You can do this.

Can you get access to the paperwork and passports? Google big yellow storage, they do something called little yellow storage which is about £2.85 a week. Start getting your papers together and stored safely away. Also anything that's yours that he might take from you (baby pictures or jewellery) anything of value that he might withhold to hurt you. With you ILs there you may have more time to run errands and get this stuff out of the house little by little.

Passports are not an over reaction by the way. There's no reason you cannot discuss taking the kids abroad in the future, but right now given how he is who knows what he might do to hurt you. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

Keep this little escape plan secretly bubbling away inside it will give you the motivation to see this through.

starrytuppence Mon 02-May-16 13:53:10

I have told him under no circumstances the kids are going anywhere without me. He started by saying he would move his parents above the cafe with him and they could see the kids u til they go and I can see them when he's not there. I told him under no circumstances would they be leaving without me.

He has said that he would want them to go to Turkey in summer holidays and to see his parents. Again, I've told him no, that I do not trust his intentions.

He has said I will stay in the house, claim what I'm entitled to, that our debts will be split.

I've told him to go to a solicitor to start proceedings as I don't trust a word he says, but he keeps saying that a solicitor is the last resort to draw up a final plan.

I cannot afford legal advice (I was once stung by a legal aid trap who demanded I owe them £5000 even though the solicitor said I would qualify for help).

I am feeling scared- not only for my future but about doing this on my own. I have lost everyone in my life one by one and now it is the turn of my marriage sad

Snoringlittlemonkey Mon 02-May-16 14:35:13

It's natural to be frightened of the unknown but you don't have to be scared. He's bullied you and taken advantage of your vulnerable situation. It's made you more and more unhappy. You have a life ahead of you where you don't have to put up with that anymore.

You are not alone. You have your children and who knows who you may meet in the future! Your life and your kids lives will be so much better.

How did all this come about? Where are you now?

starrytuppence Mon 02-May-16 14:53:14

I am at work today. He was out late with his Dad last night so I came and opened up.

His mum was texting me this morning and he read the messages so he got in touch saying I had no right to use the children against him. I just felt his mum needed to know that they are living an unhappy childhood and it needed to stop.

He has told me that I can stay at the cafe or if I come home then to stay in my room as they're happy without me. I told him he can't bully me like that anymore.

We are both in mutual agreement that it's over but I can't afford to open a case against him. He has then gone on to taunt me calling me a benefit chav etc. He sent a short voice recording of them all laughing and joking and said how they were all happier with me not being there. I know that isn't true on the kids behalf.

I want some solid proof about what will happen regarding finances etc, but he is in the frame of mind that solicitors are just a trap to take your money and he says we can't divorce on mutual grounds if we can reach an agreement, which I don't think is likely.

starrytuppence Mon 02-May-16 17:32:39

I'm now going home after work and I feel sick.

He is out with his father and his mother has just text to ask when I'm coming home and to feed the kids as she is fasting.

Can't wait for the lovely and warm welcoming response after he has told them I won't allow the children to go to overseas and stay with them.

Snoringlittlemonkey Mon 02-May-16 18:08:55

Keep your nerve. This is worst bit but they will be gone soon. Please get hold of those passports. Can you get to them?

He's completely wrong on the legal front and is trying to carry on bullying you. You don't have to put up with it anymore.

You need to start telling your friends what's going on so you can build up a support network. They may surprise you.

We are here for you too to give you extra support!

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