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DD's bio dad contacting her on FB

(94 Posts)
whattaday Sat 30-Apr-16 22:28:52

Hi. First post, so please be gentle.

My DD is 12. She's had nothing to do with her bio dad her whole life. Don't want to drip feed - I met her bio dad when I was 18. He was older. Was married - didn't tell me this - I found out when his wife phoned me. I ended things immediately, then found out I was pregnant. I did tell him, he told me that he had no intention of being involved, would deny paternity, if I wanted support I could get a DNA test and if I still demanded money, he and his wife would move back to the country they came from to avoid it (they are both from another European country originally), and if I tried to contact him directly again he'd call the police and accuse me of harassment. Basically, he was a total prick.

No contact after that for several years. When DD was tiny, I met my now DH, who was amazing and totally took on 'dad' role. When she was seven, he legally adopted her (again - we tried to make contact with bio dad, no response for ages, what response we did get was aggresive, denied paternity again) and since then there's been no contact. As far as DD is concerned, DH is her dad. She knows she has another bio dad, and I've tried to be honest (within age appropriate boundaries) and has expressed curiosity sometimes, but it's never been a huge thing.

Anyway, DD is on facebook. Very limited profile, I have full access, and screen any friends requests etc. She's almost 13, so I thought it was OK. Last week I was checking it with her when a new friend request came up. Checked it. Recognised it instantly as her bio dad. DD didn't recognise the name and commented that it looked like some old guy. I just deleted the request and blocked him.

I am now second guessing myself and trying to work out what I should have done. Should I have told DD that was her bio dad? Should I contact him and try and find out if he wants contact? Selfishly, I don't want him to have contact with her at all. He was a cheating prick when I knew him, he's shown no interest for twelve years and I don't think he deserves time in DD's life. But I think she does have a right to know about him and maybe has a right to a relationship with her bio dad. Legally, he has no rights as far as I know, since she's been adopted. Checking his FB profile, it looks like he's still married, and has a couple of kids with his DW.

Should I contact him? What if he does want contact?

FuzzyOwl Sat 30-Apr-16 22:31:45

I would be concerned as to how he found her as I assume that when adopted your DD changed her surname. If he has had no contact, then did you tell him her name? If so, presumably he has either added every girl with the same name in the hope of finding the right one or has tracked her down some other way.

Gazelda Sat 30-Apr-16 22:33:10

I think you should contact him. Tell him that if he wants contact with DD, then he does so through you and you will decide what level of contact is appropriate. FB contact with her is not appropriate.

I think that if you don't respond to this approach for contact, he could use it against you in the future. Your DD might at some point want contact with him, and it would be terrible if he told her you'd blocked contact.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 30-Apr-16 22:33:53

It's a difficult one, I completely understand why you feel as you do. I'm sure I would and would have done the same.

I think you should contact him and ask what exactly is it he wants. Also point out that randomly Facebook requesting her is a completely unacceptable way of going about establishing contract with her.

whattaday Sat 30-Apr-16 22:44:33

We had indirect contact during the adoption - he knows her first name and surname, and it isn't as if we've been hiding or anything. It wasn't that kind of adoption - he knows my DH's name too. I'm not surprised he found her. Her FB also has me listed as a friend, and obviously he knows my name and what I look like.

I will message him. I may have to have a glass of wine or two to do it, and I'll need to work out exactly what I do if he does want to see her.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 30-Apr-16 22:46:23

I agree with those saying that you should contact him directly and ask him what he's after.

Has DD ever expressed any interest at all about him?

I'd also be contacting a solicitor to find out your exact legal position. If the adoption was done as a 'default' adoption where he was actually served but he didn't respond to the petition I think you are correct in saying he has no legal rights to see her. But if the adoption was done in absentia because you were unable to locate him to serve him, you want to know if he can contest anything at this point.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 30-Apr-16 22:47:34

X post with you OP. I'd still see a solicitor.

whattaday Sat 30-Apr-16 22:54:51

I will check with a solicitor. I know the petition was served to him and we did have some correspondence about it and so I think we're OK. He refused to fill in the forms, but in the end we were told that we could go ahead anyway as he wasn't contesting it. But I'll check. I would really hope that no judge would grant him parental rights after all this time, but better safe than sorry.

Re - curiosity - she's asked a bit, but I wouldn't say it's a regular thing - something that might come up a couple of times in a year? She went through a phase a while ago of occasionally telling DH he wasn't her real dad. We always said "yes. He is. Dad isn't just biology" and then she'd normally be a bit clingy after that. But that was a few years ago. She's asked in recent years, and did say once she'd ask him why he left one day, and has said she'd like to meet him at some point, but shied away when I tried to explain to her how contacting a bio dad goes, and didn't want to hear about the practicalities of it so I left it, and took that as a sign that she wasn't ready to really think about it too hard.

MoggieMaeEverso Sat 30-Apr-16 23:00:35

"Dear X, you recently approached my daughter with a friend request on Facebook. Please explain why.
Regards,
whattaday"

AcrossthePond55 Sat 30-Apr-16 23:18:59

I'm adopted ('full' adoption, not 'step' adoption) so I can understand her 'I want to know, I don't want to know'. I've never wanted to meet my bio family, but I was lucky that my mum knew a lot about them as I was a private adoption and she was able to answer any questions to my satisfaction. The 'you aren't my dad' is also pretty common. I never had that with either of my parents but I know adoptees who did.

Firstly see the solicitor, find out your legal position and any 'teeth' you have with regards to him seeing your daughter

Secondly find out what the arsehole bio dad wants and what he plans to tell her about why he hasn't been part of her life.

Only when you are sure that he will tell the truth (with a modicum of kindness) and not harm her emotionally* should you approach your daughter. And any conversations or meetings she has with him should be supervised.

*I'd just be worried that he's going to have some cock and bull story about how he 'wanted to be there but your mother wouldn't let me'.

Atenco Sun 01-May-16 03:06:24

I cannot understand how a man, who refused to acknowledge his child and therefore would not have been on the birth cert. had to give his permission for the adoption, it doesn't make sense.

Colabottle10 Sun 01-May-16 07:53:45

Her FB profile is obviously not as secure as you think as she can obviously be searched for by strangers. You need to change this ASAP.

DrMorbius Sun 01-May-16 08:07:37

I would contact him and say DD knows you had no intention of being involved in her life, and would deny paternity, If you try to contact DD again I will apply for back dated child support from you (up to adoption) and I will call the police and report you for harassment

whattaday Sun 01-May-16 08:25:45

Atenco - we were told we had to give him notice of the adoption because I told the social worker who he was. What the social worker wanted was a lot of papers filled in about who he was, his hobbies, his medical history etc. Apparently that's normal, so DD would know more about him when she was older. I might be phrasing it all wrong. But they were very keen he be informed and wanted him to be involved. He wouldn't, and wouldn't respond, so he wasn't. If that makes sense.

He wasn't having his parental rights terminated, because they weren't there, but he still had to be informed. That's what I was told, anyway.

fastdaytears Sun 01-May-16 08:35:17

Colabottle I didn't think there was a setting that could stop people searching if they have a full name?

Kr1stina Sun 01-May-16 08:44:34

He has no legal rights to any contact . He has NO parental rights.

You have done the right thing morally to tell your DD about her biological father.

FB is a nightmare for adopted children, it's not usual for them to be tracked down and approached this way . She needs to change her name on FB , use a profile photo that isn't her ( like a teddy ) and lock everything down with the tightest privacy settings .

Don't contact him and don't waste your money on a solicitor . You know what he wants, he's just bored and was searching online her. Now he's found her he's going to tell her his sob story . Maybe he fancies being a great dad and sending her a few quid once a year while boasting to his friends about his child and telling everyone how the courts screwed him over.

If he wanted contact for legitimate reasons , he would contact YOU her parents, not a 12yo child on FB.

Colabottle10 Sun 01-May-16 10:20:19

You can set it so that she is not discoverable by anyone and she has to send friend requests out. It's in the privacy settings under who can search for me.

Colabottle10 Sun 01-May-16 10:22:09

FB app, so prob different (and more comprehensive) settings on laptop.

Go to privacy settings then who can contact me. On my app it lets you choose everyone or friends of friends. On the laptop version it gives more options.

howtorebuild Sun 01-May-16 10:30:28

You know what he wants, he's just bored and was searching online her. Now he's found her he's going to tell her his sob story . Maybe he fancies being a great dad and sending her a few quid once a year while boasting to his friends about his child and telling everyone how the courts screwed him over.

This

Hissy Sun 01-May-16 11:36:04

Some excellent advice here, both on FB privacy and this feckless bastard of a supposed father.

Your dd has 2 wonderful parents, you've done the right thing in blocking him. He needs to be contacting you as a first approach.

Your dd has a FB account that's new, I'd bin it and start again, with a different/ nickname, no identifiable face pic or cover photo, and make sure it's airtight in terms of search ability

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sun 01-May-16 14:49:25

I agree with starting with a new profile with all the security settings.

I'd also (before blocking him) go through his friends list and block anyone (relatives) who he might use to search for her (because I'm paranoid like that).

Kr1stina Sun 01-May-16 15:08:27

And you will have to lock down your and your DPs FB as well, or he will track her through you . My adopted teen ( much older than yours ) has no family on her Fb friends. Except me, and I don't use my real name ( for that reason ) .

It's not hard to work out - if you are Jane Smith- Jones aged 45 and John Smith - Jones aged 47 and you have a 12 year old FB friend called Emma Smith - Jones , she's either your niece or your DD.

AndNowItsSeven Sun 01-May-16 15:12:18

No do not contact him , he is no longer your dd's father she is adopted it is no different than if your dd was adopted from care.
When she is 18 yiu can support get to make contact if that is what she wants.

springydaffs Sun 01-May-16 15:19:11

Surely there's a law against this sort of thing? A completely random bloke making contact with a 13yo girl - even if he supplied the (one) sperm that made her. That doesn't a dad make.

I'd be absolutely FUMING in your shoes. How DARE he??!! Absolutely clear it's not her welfare he's thinking of here angry

springydaffs Sun 01-May-16 15:21:02

I agree with AndNow that he'll only bring turmoil when she's too young to deal with it.

I absolutely support that some 'dads' are better off out of their children's lives for good - or at least until the child is an adult.

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