Straw poll - is he being a sick? Confused.

[theansweris42]

Will keep is as short as poss.
I posted here and got help to leave very financially and EA exP about 4 yrs ago.
I have 2 small Ds.
I returned from another country to get clear, exP followed and now sees DC regularly tho we live different cities.

I formed new relationship with old flame. All lovely, caring man, reader I married him 3 months ago.
He drinks too much. Not benders but too much wine a couple or 3 times a week.

Says he wants change. I said before we married I didn't want this as role model, DH modified behaviour. Says he does struggle but will adapt. I was always clear about this, said I'd be his GF if he didn't want to change lifestyle.

Anyway, we row about his drinking reasonably frequently. He can be dismissive and inconsiderate when drinking. I am (bcos of previous EA) trying to be reasonable, keep talking, accept no-one is perfect. Or, in fact, is this just the eggshells again?

Anyway cumulative arguing and another last week. DH acts normal all week, I struggle to do so cos fed up with it all so am quiet/grumpy.

My question relates to last night - I broached it, bcos he never does, we tried to talk.

He said I am an arsehole and do martyrdom. Seemed at pains to point out that I am an arsehole when sober, even if he can be when drunk.

He said I had not responded to his "acting normal" through the week. I was angry/sad, and terribly sleep deprived. Last night asked "were you like this with ex-partner?" and said that some of the fault with the abusive relationship must be mine.

I would like to just get objective opinions, as these latest things feel like dealbreakers to me. I can see the possibilities that terrible experience (20 Yrs) with ex-partner have clouded my judgement and I don't really know what to think.

We have had a normal day with DC & when they went to sleep I broached it calmly, he refused to discuss.

It's not okay what he said and then to refuse to discuss is it? Is it?

Since we married it's all been worse. I feel like a cliché and a massive idiot.

The DC adore him and he them.

[theansweris42]

Should be "is he being a dick?" Sigh.

[museumum]

I don't know if anyone can tell you "objectively" who is being unreasonable but then I'm not sure that "objectively" matters. It's subjective and should be.

You have the right to decide for you what you will and will not accept. It's up to you to decide (work out) where that line is as only you can know how his behaviour makes you feel.

[theansweris42]

Thank you. I feel clueless bcos of previous relationship, normalised things for so long. I'm an idiot and you're right, I should stick to my view if what is OK.
But suspect that it means another breakup. Which I'll survive and my DC will, but oh I feel for them.

[museumum]

[Daenerys2]

It's difficult to say...wine 2/3 times a week isn't unreasonable in my house. Is he abusive when drunk tho?

[theansweris42]

It's more that he drinks too much and is rather drunk 2 or 3 times per week, he struggled to do 2 "dry" nights. I like wine as well.
it's an issue bcos he can be unpleasant/inconsiderate (telly FAR too loud, critical of me, appalling snoring etc) but the is sorry.
I know this is rubbish but it's the arsehole comment and the opinion that the abuse was partly my flat and THEN the equal to discuss that's broken me down a bit. Thank you for responding.

[MumUndone]

Calling you an arsehole and saying the abuse was partly your fault is not acceptable. Yes, he is being a dick.

[theansweris42]

Partly my fault and refusal to discuss

[MumUndone]

And he has a drinking problem.

Please listen to your instincts.

[theansweris42]

Yes. He does. Thank you.

[kittybiscuits]

A drunk will say anything to deflect attention away from their drinking. Saying you are responsible for the previous abuse from your ex is despicable. I think you have married a less extreme abuser. Did he promise to reduce his drinking or did you just hope that he would?

[Blackheart2016]

You married him knowing he drank too much for your liking.

Yes he is still being a dick.

It sounds like a horrible relationship.

[haveacupoftea]

If he is an arsehole when drunk then he needs to stop drinking for you. If he chooses alcohol over you then that tells you all you need to know.

[theansweris42]

Thanks for your replies. He promised he would reduce. For us, for kids, for his health. He's not always mean when drunk but can be.
He won't broach this, but with engage when I do.

[theansweris42]

..and make more empty promises.

[theansweris42]

Thanks again for the replies. Typing and posting and reading MN views is clearing my head and giving resolve.

[Costacoffeeplease]

It would probably have been better to have seen that he had changed already before committing to him - as you got married before that, you've effectively accepted it

You now have to decide if you're going to continue to accept it as he's probably not going to change now

[Costacoffeeplease]

And yes, he's being a dick

[theansweris42]

Yes, it would. He did change to an extent some backsliding after wedding
But I know I have fault in this. It was the meanness of the comments about me and the saying the previous abuse was partly my fault that has taken it all to another level.

[Cabrinha]

Twenty years with an abusive man is going to fuck up your boundaries.
Did you ever have therapy about that, or do the Freedom Programme?

I can't say whether your husband is an abusive drunk, but I can say that having had one long abusive marriage your chances of another one are higher - unless you intervene to be sure you have a good chance of spotting arseholes.

I'm also always about the quality of Old Flame relationships. Purely anecdotal, but I see friends turning to old flames because it's easy and / or there are unresolved feelings (mainly because they got dumped). I've done it too, no judgement! But usually an ex is an ex for a reason, so I'm always suspicious of any rekindling being a good relationship.

Just remember that "sorry" afterwards means FUCK ALL.

He can't drink without being rude to you, therefore he needs to stop drinking.

Be prepared that if he's an alcoholic, or just selfish, or you don't mean that much to him anyway - he's going to choose the alcohol.

Maybe talk to Al Anon?

[theansweris42]

Thanks had thought about Al anon, will look into it.
I have had counselling and done freedom and even though this realising would've been better before wedding, at least I'm questioning....

[springydaffs]

Have a look at this and see if it rings any bells.

Also here for you.

It sounds like he's an alcoholic. People like to say 'drinking problem' but tbf it's all the same thing ie a dependence on alcohol that supersedes all other considerations, relationships or responsibilities. It comes first. Hence his refusal to talk about it - he will protect his dearly beloved booze at all costs. It is the world to him (comes before you and the kids hands down).

Yes he's a dick and yes he's an addict.

I appreciate you may not be in the UK but AA is international, as is Al-anon. HOwever, the Freedom Programme is exclusively UK-based, I think; though you can do the course online. You need to do some work around attracting abusive men (an addict is by default abusive). It is no surprise you've gone straight into another abusive relationship - we need to do some work to uproot deeply held beliefs etc or it'll happen again.

Sorry you're going through this.

[theansweris42]

I will speak with Al anon. I have attended one meeting before, but the stories were so extreme I didn't feel comfy. Also impossible to go really as working full time in stressful job and juggling that so I get as much time with DC as poss.

[abbsismyhero]

i hope you don't have kids with him?

im sorry you're going through this yes he is being a massive dick sorry

[springydaffs]

Perhaps read the Al anon blurb then. I know what you mean about extreme stories

But you have a right to be there. Just because your story isn't extreme, doesn't mean there isn't a problem.

Freedom Programme?