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How to communicate better in relationships

(4 Posts)
fizzbozz Sat 30-Apr-16 20:59:44

I'm terrible at communicating in relationships. I hate arguing and confrontation (my parents modelled this really badly for me) and I'm not at all assertive, so I avoid arguments or raising any issues that are troubling me at all costs. It feels like there's never a right time to say things that are on my mind and I just can't seem to find the words, which means that I bottle things up. I'm talking little things like asking my partner for more help with washing/cleaning etc as well as bigger things such as issues in our relationship.

So I'm wondering what does a healthy relationship look like in terms of communication. Do you have a particular time when you raise issues (like a weekly sort of family meeting) or is it just as and when things crop up? If it's as and when, how would you do it and what sort of words do you use to bring things up? (Because I'm a bottle-things-up kind of person, it feels really awkward and like I'm blurting things out.)

As I said, I have no frame of reference for this sort of stuff and would really appreciate any advice or hand holding. Thanks!

Joysmum Sat 30-Apr-16 21:42:28

I being things up as and when I need to. Generally I like to rationalise through my feelings logically first before raising them. I need to do this as my head is calmer than my heart.

I've realised that as much as my DH knows me better than anyone else, he often doesn't have a clue how I feel or why often I've not known the why either!

So I work on the reasoning that dealing with things sooner rather than later means they remain small and don't escalate.

I've also learnt that communication is as much about listening and paying attention as talking. I say this because although I believe myself to be good at expressing myself, often DH still doesn't get the message I'm sending so I'm careful to ask him questions to see what his interpretation is.

I work on the basis that if my DH was feeling unhappy/worried/confused/hurt etc, I want to know about it. So the same goes the other way, he wants to understand me better too and be best placed to help me work through any negativity.

Things would be so much harder if I didn't believe he loves me as much as I love him although I still struggle to understand why much of the time

theansweris42 Sat 30-Apr-16 21:42:56

Hi. I have no advice I just wanted to say I am the same and I hope you get some helpful replies. In the meantime, consider your hand held.

Joysmum Sat 30-Apr-16 21:44:10

..oh and I've stopped assuming the worst. If things aren't going well, he's deliberately being difficult, there's usually something I'm missing to understand what's happening.

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