Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How to come out of an emotional affair

(231 Posts)
benal345 Sat 30-Apr-16 15:35:05

He is my manager and I can't leave my job, don't flame me, just need practical advices and tips.

CommonBurdock Sat 30-Apr-16 15:37:29

Don't leave but start looking.

benal345 Sat 30-Apr-16 15:44:31

That's my plan, I'm to start looking from next week and networking with my old colleagues to start my search. I just want my head to remain straight and stick to it.

Reasonstostayalive Sat 30-Apr-16 15:51:34

I have the same issue. Going from best friends to overstepping the line. Thinking we could both just walk away. Now it's finished I still have to work with him and I am trying my best to heal. The only thing you can do is focus on your work and yourself and it will get better in time. I can't look for another job as my industry is limited, so I really do just have to suck it up and find better ways of making myself happy. You will too.

CommonBurdock Sat 30-Apr-16 15:51:36

You get what you think about. Best of luck!

benal345 Sat 30-Apr-16 16:02:03

It's been harder than I thought already, I've always been a really strong one, letting go here has been the hardest thing in my life. Hopefully I'll get there.

Summerlovinf Sat 30-Apr-16 16:12:58

You don't need to leave your job, change your behaviour. There will be someone attractive at the next job...learn to deal with it

DoesMyMarthaCliffLookBigInThis Sat 30-Apr-16 16:23:22

Are you jn a relationship OP? If so, then you need to deal with whatever issues caused you to seek the ea in the firSt place. Once you do this then you might find your work environment a but easier to handle. However,if you are in a work situation where you are in constant contact with your manager then it probably would just be easier to move on and find another position. You'll still need to deal with the initial problems in your current relationship though (if you are in one)

benal345 Sat 30-Apr-16 16:30:18

I'm married and can't really point a problem in my marriage or my partner, I've to be always working with him, and recently few months we had lots of ups and down and long hour which has these feelings creeping up...he does make me feel intelligent and witty which probably I've not felt in my marriage...

Bree85 Sat 30-Apr-16 16:38:51

Maybe you should start focusing on your marriage. Its really messy when you mix work and relationship. But give your marriage a second chance.

Reasonstostayalive Sat 30-Apr-16 17:00:37

Mine started as I felt unloved and unappreciated and he made me feel good about myself. My partner wasn't interested in my day to day stuff and so the friendship with my manager grew and he filled the gaps. Now I am working at being more available to my partner, giving him the attention I gave my friend. It's hard but it's a slow process. If you want it to work it will

benal345 Sat 30-Apr-16 17:26:53

Reason very well said, we both have really busy jobs and exactly what you said, he has been filling the gaps which felt vacant somehow. I keep telling myself it's not love, but feels like live is being lost...

benal345 Sat 30-Apr-16 17:27:39

I mean love is being lost

benal345 Sat 30-Apr-16 17:33:43

Reason did he not ask you the reason of the changed behaviour, or was it mutually agreed. In my case he doesn't even think it's anything, as per him it's a friendship

Reasonstostayalive Sat 30-Apr-16 17:53:10

Oh my manager was just as involved in the EA as I was. I think I represented something "other". So an easy friendship became a whole lot more. It's just the excitement of it being clandestine that fuels it. It's not real on any level and whilst I know that my feelings were/are very real, it's not something that's tenable. It's unrealistic to see it as anything else and just represents issues in your main relationship
My partner hasn't even noticed, in my eyes, that I am no longer glued to my phone or that I even withdrew from our relationship. But I think that is a bigger issue.

ALaughAMinute Sat 30-Apr-16 18:13:13

If you've got it bad, the only way to get over it is to go NC - believe me!

Reasonstostayalive Sat 30-Apr-16 18:18:10

It's hard when you have to work and it takes time to find a new job. That would be the easiest thing to do. But it's hard in real like to do that and stupidly you don't think about that when getting into these situations. But I realise that is no excuse at all

benal345 Sat 30-Apr-16 18:26:14

I think for me to find a new job, is the only solution, he is an introvert, doesn't have too many frens and so my change in behaviour towards my him, will be picked up by him instantly. That will make my time at work even more difficult. We have to work quite a lot together, so don't want my work to suffer. We message and talk on the phone all the time after/before work, and he goes hot and cold and says he needs sometime to recharge. I think m emotional needs are different to his. The few times I've tried to end it, he made a big deal out of it. This time I'm going to go slow and make unnoticeable changes... Just want to keep my strength intact...

peppatax Sat 30-Apr-16 18:28:51

Can I offer another perspective? I found myself in the same situation a few years ago and had a talk with my then H, who prior to the EA was plodding along with me but I was always the main driver in our relationship. I spoke about how we needed to change things, improve our relationship etc and after a long time he said he was satisfied with how things were and if I wanted to leave, I knew where the door was. He said he'd be devastated but he didn't see any reason why we needed to work on our relationship. Well, I left two weeks later. It's caused a tremendous amount of pain but with time, my EA has become my DP. It's been hard, mainly because of work and the circumstances but I'll never regret leaving. I do wonder what would be different had EXH said that he would be prepared to work on our relationship but what's meant for us won't pass us by.

peppatax Sat 30-Apr-16 18:30:17

Oh clearly X-posted there OP, sorry. I still do think it's worth a conversation with your DH about what he wants from your relationship, can he essentially provide what you will miss from your EA.

Reasonstostayalive Sat 30-Apr-16 18:34:12

If you want to do this you can. It will take so much strength but it sounds like you believe it's the right thing. For you. Grasp that. Don't let his reaction to you pulling away pull you back in.
I know as soon as I get the nod I'd be back in to my sorry situation without hesitation. But that's now not going to happen. You realise how much it takes over your life and having a partner and children that is not a good place to be in. I miss him with all my heart but I know it was not real life. Both of us were different people

Reasonstostayalive Sat 30-Apr-16 18:37:26

Look at it like an addiction. The texting is exactly that. You get to be someone different, a person you just wouldn't be face to face. Break that and will be ok.
In saying all this I'm hoping it works for me too.

benal345 Sat 30-Apr-16 19:07:40

Like an addiction is the perfect description of my situation...

Reasonstostayalive Sat 30-Apr-16 19:12:06

Isn't it just? It's the waking up and texting then saying good night. It morphed into something other and they became your focus. I know I fell in love but it's not a love born of dates and getting to know one another. It's tied into being someone different and playing a game

chillycurtains Sat 30-Apr-16 19:13:53

Practically speaking things like planning your lunch breaks so you are busy rather than being tempted to spend time with him. Try and connect with others in the work place so you have other friends to spend breaks with and to chat to so you don't turn to your boss.

At home make a huge effort to date your DH. Do things with him so he sees you again and can appreciate you and vice versa. Time out from the home doing things you both like. Dates not just doing the washing up together. Hope all works out.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now