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Am I just the 'OW' and don't realise it?

(282 Posts)
kathymyskies Sat 30-Apr-16 11:51:09

I'm a first time poster and could do with some advice. From reading MN I think I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism, but maybe I need that, I don't know.

I'm 29. I've been seeing a man who is 52 for the last 10 months. We meet every lunch time (work in different places but same city). We go home together, sometimes meet for breakfast, have dinner or coffee every evening. We've never had sex but have been intimate. We love each other. He's married but hasn't been intimate with his wife for 7 years and sleep in different parts to the house on his wife's request. I'm a secret because of his two kids. In a year, his youngest goes to university and him and his wife have already discussed splitting at that point and are together for the kids.

I have had a blunt conversation with him about 'us.' What we are etc. He said he'd marry me but couldn't give me what I wanted, and that if I was happy with having maybe 15 'good' years with him, then he'd be with me. He also says if I ever want to stop meeting and spending time together, he will accept that instantly but will always be there for me.

I feel so confused. He claims to not want to be open about us because of his kids and that his wife wouldnt obviously stay living with him if she knew he was seeing me..which would then disrupt the kids. He says in a year it will change. I then ask why would she care if you both say the marriage has been over for 7 years anyway? I've said to him that anyone would tell me that he was taking me for a ride. He then shows me texts and so on that prove his points (they could be fake but i don't believe they are as the first time we had the chat he got his phone out to show me so couldnt have prepared them).

I also feel confused because i would hands down marry him in weeks were the situation different and he was younger. I've been on dates since I started seeing him, mainly because there's no real future with him. But I love this man and it sounds like such a cliche I know.

Feel confused as to how to handle the whole thing and it;s come to a head this morning when I just knew I needed some advice. Please help me get my head together on this...I'm such a strong, decisive person in other areas of life!

Patheticfallacy Sat 30-Apr-16 11:53:38

You are absolutely the other woman! He's a married man who is lying to you and his wife and there is no future whatsoever. He is being very cruelly allowing you to waste your youth with him.

Tokelau Sat 30-Apr-16 11:56:38

From the way you describe it, it sounds to me as if you are the OW. Sorry. I just don't believe that bit about he and his wife staying together until the kids go to university, and he sounds very secretive.

You are a few years older than my DD, but if you were my DD, I would encourage you to end this relationship.

NewNameNotTheSame Sat 30-Apr-16 11:58:09

Don't waste the best years of your life on this man. I would eat my shoe if he ever left his wife. There'll always be a reason he can't, kids, uni, exams, blah blah blah. You're the OW, nothing more. How flattering to have a 29 year old hanging off your every word.

BirthdayBetty Sat 30-Apr-16 12:00:52

Find a (younger) man who isn't married confused

AnyFucker Sat 30-Apr-16 12:01:17


If him and his wife were really leading "separate" lives because of the dc then she would know about you. Waiting until the kids have flown the nest is a convenient way to keep you on the back burner because it's pretty open ended isn't it ? Next year there will be another reason why he is staying with his wife in the cosy family set up.

Stop wasting the best years of your life on a deceitful middle aged man

How embarassing that a usually strong and decisive woman is in such a well worn, cliched scenario. If it wasn't you it would be some other woman with zero self respect

Walk away from him before you throw away any more of your precious time.

LIZS Sat 30-Apr-16 12:02:15

Classic line fed to ow. Only staying together for the kids, wife has distanced him ... I wonder if her story matches his hmm Do you really want to waste time on this?

KinkyAfro Sat 30-Apr-16 12:03:16

You know he's married, how can you be anything other than the OW?

Vixxfacee Sat 30-Apr-16 12:03:38

Agree with the above.

Open your eyes.

kathymyskies Sat 30-Apr-16 12:04:56

Thanks for the replies.

I have questioned him on why his wife doesn't know and he says that it would just cause disruption and arguments when his youngest is still at home, because she would be insulted. Sometimes he says he thinks they would try to make it work after the kids leave but for now he can't see a way of it getting better.

He said if I wanted him and to be with him he would leave. And will leave when his youngest goes to university. But I'm not even sure I would want that, it's not a future with someone because he's too old. I think he knows I feel this and so is also hesitant to tell his wife on that basis too. I don't really know.

Feel so confused and even angry but not sure why exactly.

Zucker Sat 30-Apr-16 12:05:38

Yes you are the other woman unfortunately. Run as fast as you can and don't waste any more time there.

Those pesky wives forcing their defenceless husbands to seek solace in the arms of another. There should be a cull really grin

Looly71 Sat 30-Apr-16 12:07:12

If this has the makings of a long term relationship tell him to back off now and give you a call in a year when they have told the kids and separated properly. That conversation will tell you all you need to know.

AnyFucker Sat 30-Apr-16 12:07:26

I think you are feeling angry at yourself for falling for the classic bullshit

Zucker Sat 30-Apr-16 12:08:05

How old is the youngest child by the way? Pretending for a minute that he's being truthful how long is it until that child starts/leaves university? As once that child starts university the script will change. He couldn't possible leave now as that would interfere with their uni studies. And on and on and on.

QueenLaBeefah Sat 30-Apr-16 12:08:52

You are the other woman.

Also he and his wife probably do share a bed and have sex.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 30-Apr-16 12:09:19

Of course you're the Other Woman, you're seeing man who is married! How could you not be?

All this guff about them "not being intimate for 7 years and sleeping in different parts of the house" is just the usual crap betrayers come out with. He's not even unique or inventive with his excuses. What a slime-ball. You're probably not the first he's fed this line to either.

He's too old for you anyway. Fifteen years from now you'll be in your prime, and he'll be drawing a pension. Sod that!

Trills Sat 30-Apr-16 12:09:48

Do you feel that having this man in your life makes your life better?

I think you'd be better off single, personally.

bittapitta Sat 30-Apr-16 12:12:45

He's married but hasn't been intimate with his wife for 7 years and sleep in different parts to the house on his wife's request

Lolol yeah right. Classic.

Sorry OP.

SweetBabyJebus Sat 30-Apr-16 12:14:58

Hang on, he's TOLD YOU he might get back with his wife when the kids fly the nest.....and you're STILL sitting there??? confused

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 30-Apr-16 12:15:32

Even if half of his bullshit were true he's not prepared to offer you a life-long commitment to keep you dangling on a string just "maybe 15 good years". That's good of him!

Fuck him off and find yourself a decent man

WalkingdeadWHAT Sat 30-Apr-16 12:15:34

You're the OW

They are still having sex

He won't leave, waiting until the kids have left is older than the bible


SweetBabyJebus Sat 30-Apr-16 12:16:18

You're being a mug, and what's more, you know it. Stand up for yourself.

magoria Sat 30-Apr-16 12:16:53

You are seeing a married man.

You are a dirty little secret he tells no one about.

What do you think you are hmm

kathymyskies Sat 30-Apr-16 12:17:20

Thanks for replying. Feeling less alone and it is helping me think it through.

He talks to me every night, from 9pm until whenever I say I'm going to sleep. I would be surprised if he was managing to share a bed at the same time. So I believe him about that.

He has never tried to encourage being physical with me. He's never been 'after sex.' So I don't think that's what he's looking for, and if it is he's waited 10 months and surely he would have looked elsewhere if that's what he wanted?

So I believe him for those reasons. We do talk about things rather than avoiding topics. He's always saying 'one day you will break my heart when you leave me.' And then I say we'll be with me then, and he says after the youngest leaves.

Don't know what to think. Maybe I should be thinking this is too much hassle and that's it. But I do love him, and I'm hugely cynical, I don't fall in love quickly.

ALaughAMinute Sat 30-Apr-16 12:18:03

I think you need to ask yourself why you're involved with a 52 year old married man? Seriously? WTF are you doing? Can't you find yourself someone your own age who isn't married and doesn't have children?

As for leaving his wife, just bear in mind that if he does leave his wife she will more than likely take more than half the assets and half his pension so unless he's very rich he will probably won't have much money and probably won't want to have any more children. Is that what you want? Plus he will be an old man in fifteen years time and you might end up having to look after him.

You can do better than this, surely!

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