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I have no idea what to do.

(66 Posts)
Yawninghippo Sat 30-Apr-16 04:05:18

I'm lost, and feel so alone. I'm currently 6 weeks pregnant with my 4th. I don't feel like it's right. I have 3 children with my exH and this is my first with my current partner, who after initially being quite shaken at the pregnancy is now excited. But I'm not. I'm scared stupid. I don't think I'll cope, there's a 5 year gap between my last and this one. I don't feel like my partner really understands what's coming. He has very little to do with my other children despite living with them.

My children's father is still very much involved in their day to day lives which has its difficulties and its higher points. He understands me when I'm pregnant and because I'm around him so much and have been through all this before with him, I find myself naturally gravitating towards him. He's a 'doer' so atm while I'm struggling it's him I'm leaning on for help with the children. Which feels wrong because we're not together. But I don't feel I can trust my partner to be there as much as we all need right now. He spends most of his time away from the family, on his own, playing games. He's never had to 'step up' before and I'm worried I can't trust him to cope at the end of all this.

I have no idea where I'm going with all this, and I hate sounding so wishy washy. I feel at the moment as if I'm closing off from this pregnancy and my partner in favour of taking a trip down memory lane ( in my mind only) with my ex. He's the only man I've ever had children with before and I'm finding it very strange to be going down this road with someone else. Does anyone know what I mean?

I must add my partner has been trying very hard to help me in every way possible during this stage when I fully admit I'm up and down and no use to anyone. If I need to talk he's there, but feel I can't discuss my fears with him because ( quite rightly) he would be upset.

greengreenten Sat 30-Apr-16 04:31:05

Oh bless you. You're feeling anxious about a new situation. It's lots of unknowns for you.

You need to talk to new partner though and express your fears. There'll be a diplomatic way of doing it so you don't focus on any potential shortcomings he may have.

You say he's not that involved with your three DCs and sounds like he doesn't need to be as ex is so good. That's fine too and good that ex is so capable. Let him be involved as he sounds great. New partner probably doesn't know how to be dad yet as he hasn't had to. My DH will revert to watching tv and playing mindless games when given the chance, it's how he relaxes. He also takes responsibility for the family and works hard so I don't worry. Your partner gives you time and will be there for you.

You're probably feeling a little shocked still at being pregnant I'd guess? Panicking a little? It'll settle and you'll be fine I think. Sounds like you have two good men there. smile

hiyahen Sat 30-Apr-16 07:10:04

Not sure if this helps to hear or not but I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) when I was pregnant with our son. He used to be a big gamer and was on his PC 4 nights a week, leaving me in the living room by myself.

I was really concerned that I would be left literally holding the baby, but once our son (now 15 months) arrived he really got stuck in. I'm currently listening to the sounds of the two of them having a right carry on downstairs enjoying breakfast together whilst I am having a lie in.

With men I really do think they only really start 'getting it' when the baby arrives.

Would he respond to a daddy book - one of these dad's guides to pregnancy? He might realise a bit of what you are going through and try to help out a bit more?

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Sat 30-Apr-16 07:23:44

Do you want this baby? You don't have to have it flowers

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Sat 30-Apr-16 07:25:00

Hiyahen that's great that your dp stepped up, but lots and lots of men don't. It's foolish to assume that a man who up to now has been disengaged from the family and spends hours gaming will turn into a decent dad when the baby is born. Chances are he won't actually.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 30-Apr-16 07:28:05

I'd be concerned about the fact he doesn't have much to do with your other DC but when he has his own he is going to be interested in that DC - that's not quite fair on the other children.

You seem very unsure of this pregnancy and I think you have a good basis for it - you may have to consider your options

juneau Sat 30-Apr-16 08:30:05

Your new DP sounds like a manchild to me. Are you sure you want this baby OP? Leaning on your ex for help with your joint DC is fine - that's his role - but if he's fulfilling those other 'partner' roles in your life I think you need to take a long, hard look at whether this is really what you want. Was this baby planned? Is it really wanted by either of you? Because if you're struggling now, at just six weeks, imagine what it will be like once you've got a newborn and three older DC. Its a tiny bunch of cells right now, its not a baby. You have time and you have choices.

TheoriginalLEM Sat 30-Apr-16 08:39:01

The Op is already pregnant. I am of the string opinion that if something is meant to be then it shall be. If this child is meant to be it will. If the Op "Chooses" not to continue with the pregnancy then it wasn't meant to be.

With regards to the dp not being involved with the dc , they already have an actively involved father so of course the relationship is going to be different. I don't think you can berate him for that.

Yawninghippo Sat 30-Apr-16 08:40:09

Thank you everyone for your responses. I'am quite worried about it all. There's just so much swirling around my head. This pregnancy wasn't exactly unexpected but since finding out it's opened up a lot of thoughts. I don't feel ready, I'm finding it hard carrying a baby that isn't my exes. It's leaving me feel very vulnerable and unsteady. My partner is trying so so hard to 'keep me happy', but all I need is practical help. My ex is a very practical person and is great at getting things done which was a comfort when I was pregnant before, and took a lot of strain away. However he was very emotionally cold and often abusive. My current partner is the exact opposite, happy to talk and emotionally support and very affectionate, which sometimes I find hard to return as years of my ex finding fault has left me quite unaffectionate. However he doesn't have my exes practicality, which is adding to my feeling of vulnerability. I don't trust him to look after us all if I struggle with this pregnancy. He does work hard, and his hours mean that he's not around the children during the week. But at the weekend he usually wakes at 12-1, sits and watches sport or plays games until I've put the children to bed. Then will spend time with me. But I can't seperate like that when the baby is here.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Sat 30-Apr-16 08:54:39

Every weekend? While you are busy dealing with housework and spending time with the children?
I'm shocked that you have allowed such a living situation to arise in the first place, but if he's as nice as you say then now is the time to implement some changes. Don't wait until the baby is due.
Waking at 12-1 and gaming all day in a family is just not acceptable. Do you just say nothing when he does this?

Yawninghippo Sat 30-Apr-16 09:03:02

Yes, every weekend. I have asked him repeatedly if he'd come downstairs and engage with myself and the children. He's never been around children before, at any point, and really struggles being able to get onto their level. They're 7,6 and 4. He has trouble handling the petty squabbles, bouncing around and just general 'childness'. My 6 year old is an unsettled sleeper and does wake up at night, he is still awake at 2-3 most nights and will settle him again but I feel this is because it's quite hands off as my son goes straight back to sleep. He's not unkind or dismissive of them in any way, just very awkward.

HandyWoman Sat 30-Apr-16 09:04:06

I'd say you are right to be very worried, OP. Til you got pregnant, him acting like a manchild and compartmentalising was not an issue (I'm not sure why though, it would have been an issue for me). But this isn't going to work in the future. Not at all. You feel in your gut you can't trust him to step up. Listen to that. You do not have to go through with this pregnancy. You have enough on your plate. I would seriously be questioning my relationship with dp in these circumstances. In essence - if you feel dp 'doesn't have your back', perhaps the relationship you have with dp is 'OK' but not really for the long haul?

flowers for you.

Yawninghippo Sat 30-Apr-16 09:20:44

Thank you everyone for your support. Atm I'm still unsure as to how he will change as he is trying very hard, and genuinely wants to make me happy and there for the children. He's just been able to be very selfish for so long ( I'am his first long term partner) and is now beginning to realise that he can't keep on doing what he has. He seems unsure where to start I think because the children are used to having him 'around' but not 'there'. It sounds strange but I always knew he would struggle when we got together and we agreed he needed to ease into being around them slowly, for their benefit also. Largely this has worked as they are very comfortable around him when he is around them but he struggles with how to engage on their level. He loves them very much, and because of his incredibly dysfunctional upbringing ( evil abusive stepfather in his case) I get the sense that he's worried about causing them any upset. He doesn't cut himself off from them completely but I would love a more 'usual' set up.

LineyReborn Sat 30-Apr-16 09:24:08

I can understand why you might consider not being pregnant any longer, and I'd give yourself permission to explore this asap. I also think you need to think about the unhappy relationship you are in flowers

Blackheart2016 Sat 30-Apr-16 09:44:54

When you say in your title, I don't know what to do, do you mean you are questioning whether or not to go through with the pregnancy?

The situation you describe is not normal family life is it? He had better rethink his ways if he is living with four children as a family. It sounds like he is living like a teenager.

Yawninghippo Sat 30-Apr-16 09:59:06

Tbh I'm just not sure of anything. I've been waking up ( leaving him asleep for at least another 3-4 hours.) every day and just plodding along. I don't have anyone in my life I can be so brutally honest with about how I'm feeling.

I want this baby, and more to the point so does he. We had our first midwife appointment yesterday, and I woke up to him on the playstation last night with his friend ( on the headset) telling him how excited he was and much he was looking forward to everything. He's not vocal about emotions ever so the fact he was talking about it on his own was a big step for him. Makes me hopeful.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Sat 30-Apr-16 10:31:40

You're clutching at straws. You think because he told his friend (in the middle of the night, over a game) that he's excited that you should be hopeful about him stepping up and being a good dad? Get real.
You and he are modelling a shocking family/relationship dynamic to your kids and it will only get worse when you add a new baby into the mix.
Keep the baby if you want it but you need to give him an ultimatum. He stops gaming all night, gets up at a reasonable time (9 at the latest) and engaged with you and the kids. Otherwise I can't see how you can keep him around.

CocktailQueen Sat 30-Apr-16 10:34:03

^^ What Vince said.

RandomMess Sat 30-Apr-16 10:41:41

Yep he has 7 months to shape op or shape out. You need him around to help all weekend NOW, he needs to learn to get up on time and take on responsibility for 50% of the chores etc.

AnyFucker Sat 30-Apr-16 10:44:05

He is acting like a teenager and you are giving him the allowances of a teenager

You are seeing a silver lining because he actually mentioned the baby to his equally deadbeat gamer ?

Oh dear

Yawninghippo Sat 30-Apr-16 10:44:46

Thank you. Think I needed to hear that.

Lweji Sat 30-Apr-16 10:52:27

On one hand, you do need to step away from your ex.
He's an ex and you sound like you're comparing both.

On the other, you seem to have a boyfriend and not a partner. He's not engaging in family life. He may be excited about the baby as he'd be with a new toy.

Have a proper chat with him and tell him what you expect from him.
He may well be another form of abuser, but one that tells you what you want to hear while leaving you to do all the work yourself.

Don't accept anything less than full participation in life at home with the odd relaxing time. Equal for both.

Yawninghippo Sat 30-Apr-16 10:55:18

Yes, I know I sound tragic. Tbh I feel tragic. And that was one thing I never wanted to be. I can and have live with depressed, confused, abandoned. But truly, until now, never saw myself as pitiable.

LeaLeander Sat 30-Apr-16 10:58:28

VinceNoir is correct.

I am very concerned that you have chosen to live with and get pregnant by a man who won't engage with existing children. What a miserable fate for those kids let alone adding another one to the mix.

He is not going to change. You might nag or guilt him into temporary compliance re the baby -but that won't last, I would bet $10,000 right now. And why tie yourself to a manchild who games until you put the existing kids to bed? It's baffling to say the very least.

You don't have to have this child. It sounds like your energies would be better spent building a thriving household for the three children you already have produced. You don't need to bear a child by every man you get involved with.

AnyFucker Sat 30-Apr-16 10:59:13

Nobody said you were pitiable nor tragic. But this is a pitiable situation that it seems only you can do something about.

Get some help in raising your bar of what is acceptable behaviour in a relationship

it's not my place to tell you what to do about your pregnancy but personally I wouldn't have got pregnant to such a manchild in the first place but if it happened I would be thinking very, very carefully about whether it was fair on either myself or my other kids to continue with it as things stand

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