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is there a book called your dad is a criminal and thats why you cant see him?

(19 Posts)
Jetcatisback Fri 29-Apr-16 19:12:51

Because there should be sad

I have posted before about my ex recently being sentenced to be on the sex offenders register for three years due to child sex offences. I have posted the exact offence before, but don't wish to repeat it here for fear of outing - happy to pm if required. I immediately cut contact with him and our 2 DDs, but DD2 (9) simply fell apart and couldn't cope not seeing him. I was strongly encouraged by social services to agree to supervised contact between them (with SS supervising), and this went ahead once - he didn't turn up for the second. Since then I have refused to agree to supervised contact, and reluctantly agreed to letterbox contact for the sake of my DDs. It's killing me.sad

I have had yet another meeting with him, sw, probabtion, school etc where we are talking about the next step in the contact plan - all building up to going back to supervised contact. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place - I want all contact to stop but I know that's not what DDs want. I hate the fact that he has brought this topic into their lives, and it is immensely triggering for me because of my childhood. As I say, I have posted before, when many posters said to stop all contact - I can't, DDs want contact. I have to find a way to live with it, as he is going to be registered for the next three years, and SS said this morning they would expect contact to be supervised (not necessarily by them though) until DD2 turns 16-18.

In amongst all of that, I still need to find a way to explain things to DD2 in a child appropriate manner - sw isn't really helping with that. I am close to breaking point over it all and I don't know what to do.

pocketsaviour Fri 29-Apr-16 19:15:40

You poor thing, this must be really stressful for you trying to keep it all together for the sake of your DDs.

Has your DD had any help from school? I wonder if you could contact the pastoral team at the school, who probably need to be aware of the disruption anyway, and ask for any help they can provide.

Regarding how to talk about it in an age-appropriate way, would the NSPCC offer any advice maybe? Do the DDs know anything at all or do they just think he has left?

Jetcatisback Fri 29-Apr-16 19:25:13

School are involved and are being a fantastic support for DD2. DD1 is older (college) and due to ASD they both have a limited understanding of what has happened, but by only giving them half the story they still unsurprisingly have a lot of questions, which I can't answer.

Good idea re NSPCC, i'll look into that flowers

OvertiredandConfused Sat 30-Apr-16 12:41:27

Is there anything here that could help?

imissjukeboxes Sun 01-May-16 09:04:06

Have you spoken to Victim Support?

OddBoots Sun 01-May-16 09:08:08

I know there is the i-Hop service for resources for schools/professionals, I'm not sure how much there is directly for families but I am sure if you contact them they can help.

Jetcatisback Sun 01-May-16 20:54:37

Thanks guys, haven't been back as had a really awful weekend with DD having meltdown after meltdown.

I've heard of Mosaic before, will look into that thanks, as well as the others mentioned. It just feels like as DDs weren't directly involved, there's not a lot of support for them - school mentioned some kind of outside counselling but nothing ever came of it.

Devilscelery Sun 01-May-16 21:11:14

Social services won't facilitate the contact long term and will expect either you or a trusted member of your family to do so (if you/them) agree to it. It's bloody hard.

Jetcatisback Sun 01-May-16 21:42:08

Devils, that's what I'm worried about. Sw keeps saying I need to find someone to facilitate it as they can't keep case open just for contact. But, I have very little family (childhood in care) and those I do have are 300 miles away. I can't see how I can do it as due to DV I'm scared of him, and added to that its too triggering for me to deal with him as a sex offender.

Yet DDs think he's the best dad in the world - clearly they're forgetting about the times he cancelled contact as he was going to the pub, how he refused to have DD2 so I could stay in hospital with DD1 (she wouldn't stay on her own - she was discharged early with oral abs instead of iv - she was re admitted within a fortnight). Yet Sw warns me not to say/do anything that may have a negative impact on their relationship with him. I fucking hate him. I hate the situation he has put me and the girls in.

Apologies. As I said - tough weekend.

Lweji Sun 01-May-16 21:48:25

Sorry, but it wasn't clear to me.
Have you reported him for dv?

And I'd ask SS why I was responsible for ensuring supervised contact. Why doesn't he find (and pay) someone you can trust to supervise contact? Your only obligation should be making the child available for contact. If you have nobody and you can't do it, then it's either on them or him. Certainly not you.

VimFuego101 Sun 01-May-16 21:49:04

Your SW sounds v frustrating. You can't just magic up a person out of nowhere to supervise contact. I agree with the advice to contact the NSPCC. What a horrible situation flowers

MoggieMaeEverso Sun 01-May-16 21:55:03

Do you see a therapist or OT already? They could help you create a social story for the girls.

"My daddy used to live with us. Then he made a big mistake and hurt a child. It's very wrong for an adult to hurt a child. My daddy had to go away. He could not be with us anymore. I feel sad. I miss my dad. It's OK to cry and to talk about missing dad. Mum is always here to listen and give me hugs. I still love my dad and he still loves me, even though we don't see each other."

Something like that but much better and with professional input blush

Lucked Sun 01-May-16 22:10:07

What a horrendous situation. Agree if you don't have anybody you can't magic them up. I think paper trails are good but let them know you have exhausted all avenues and that you yourself can't supervise. Surely the SW can refer you to a contact centre? I presume there is a charge which he could pay.

summerainbow Sun 01-May-16 22:21:56

Are you sure he has not harmed your kids and they have not told you .

Jetcatisback Sun 01-May-16 22:25:36

We split up years ago due to dv. I reported him but he wasn't charged etc. over the next few years he was still really emotionally abusive, threatening etc. always just towards me.

DD2 has never known us live together, and due to various reasons DD1 can't remember.

At present, the plan is to work back up to 1 hour per week supervised contact at the contact centre previously used - no idea if there's a charge, it didn't even cross my mind blush

Jetcatisback Sun 01-May-16 22:29:11

Summer, as sure as I can be. DD1 is older but with memory issues so have to take her word for it, dd2 has worked with both Sw and school to ensure she hasn't been involved.

I messaged my Sw after the meeting last week and said that I wasn't coping and was close to another breakdown - the reply was I need to find myself some help. I'm trying!

KimmySchmidtsSmile Sun 01-May-16 22:36:22

I am so sorry jet. Am hoping someone has advice for you.
To sum up:
You need to facilitate contact for DD2 for the next 7-9 years.
You cannot be the supervised contact because of dv and triggers for you.
You have no family to take that responsibility.
His family having minimised his crime cannot be trusted in that role.
Your elder daughter has ASD so cannot act as an impartial chaperone.
Given your DD2's age and being so close to the age of your ex's targets I cannot believe SS are putting it all back onto you.
You need to outline all the above in writing and ask them at the next meeting what they plan on implementing given there is no trusted chaperone available.
Nine is so young but I would consider telling her the basic facts/nature of what he did.

Jetcatisback Sun 01-May-16 22:39:32

Thank you so much Kimmy, it really helps having it wrote down in bullet points like that - my mind is just spinning with it all.

I'm seeing my GP on Tuesday, I'm going to take your list if that's ok flowers

KimmySchmidtsSmile Sun 01-May-16 23:24:13

Of course jet and I hope your GP is better at supporting you than the Sw who sounds bloody hopeless. I can absolutely understand why your head is spinning and also that you in between a rock and a hard place right now. You know your DD needs to see her father but you also want to protect her. Do not let anyone undermine you or make out that you are hypersensitive/overreacting/obstructive. You are not.
I do not understand why your ex did what he did, I am not saying he is a clear and present danger to his own children but he gave up the rights to unconditional trust and unsupervised access with his own actions. You should not be the fall guy for that.

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