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Haven't had sex in 6 years. Losing my mind.

(15 Posts)
readytoleave Fri 29-Apr-16 17:31:46

Title says it all.
I love my DH. He's not the best communicator but we've been together for almost 20 years, married for 16. We have two lovely children. I don't want to leave him just because of sex and I don't want to cheat. But I'm reaching the end of my tether.

I have always had the higher sex drive, but after our first child was conceived, he seemed to feel his job was done and we didn't have sex for YEARS. Then I persuaded him to have a second child and so obviously he had to do the deed. It took about 6 months.

The night we conceived that baby was the last time I had sex and he is now 5 years old.

DH is 11 years older than me, and not very healthy. He's overweight (obese) and takes a lot of medication which also affects sex drive. I've tried to make allowances for this, but how far do I have to go? I'm only 41 and can't bear the thought of never having sex with anyone again. I feel like cheating is the only way to save our marriage. I feel bad for thinking about it, but sex is constantly on my mind. I'm like a teenage boy!

He won't talk about it by the way. He listens if I insist, but then gets up and goes away and never mentions it again. He really doesn't seem to care that I am miserable. He recently had a bad health scare and so I feel even worse about trying to push him to talk about things. But something HAS to change. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Canyouforgiveher Fri 29-Apr-16 17:37:45

Sympathies. I think you have 3 choices.

1. put up with things the way they are now. Clearly this is becoming impossible for you.

2. tell him he must deal with this issue-go to the doctor/agree to have a non PIV sexual relationship for the moment etc. or else you will reluctantly want a divorce

3. Tell him you are going to seek a sexual relationship elsewhere and is he ok with that (if he isn't tell him his choice is 2 above). This one is pretty messy though - not sure how you would meet someone and there is always the danger of that person getting hurt or others judging you without the full facts etc.

I think I'd ask him to discuss/come up with a plan and if he won't, then think long and hard about your future without him. His sexual problems sound fairly deep-set and long-term though.

readytoleave Fri 29-Apr-16 17:48:07

Thanks so much for replying.

I just tried to have another conversation about it. He deserves to know how I am feeling. He hates to talk about it and gets very defensive.

I don't want to put up with how things are anymore. We are flatmates, nothing more.

HelenaDove Fri 29-Apr-16 17:52:46

He wont even discuss this with you and this is where he is being unreasonable I bet as he gets older and needs care he will then suddenly expect you to behave like a wife and not a flatmate!

justforthis2 Fri 29-Apr-16 18:11:08

ready I have name changed for this. It has been longer than that since dh and I had sex. We have been together 28 years. I love him with all my heart and soul. He always had a low sex drive and didn't ever want to discuss it. I found it hard to deal with and blamed myself. All he would say is that it wasn't me. I asked him over and over if he was gay, as that would have been a relief to me, but he says not. About 16 years ago, after a number of years without sex, I had an affair. The sex was great but I hated lying to dh, so packed it in.
I made the decision that I would rather have dh and no sex, than be without him.
I no longer miss the sex, probably due to menopause, and I feel I made the right decision.
It was selfish of dh to behave like he did and the hard part was his refusal to discuss it, but I do not regret my decision. He is my best friend, we laugh together everyday, I enjoy his company and I know that he loves me as much as I love him.
It wouldn't work for everyone, and for a time I didn't think it would work for me, but it has.

ALaughAMinute Fri 29-Apr-16 18:20:56

I didn't have sex with my husband for the last three years of my marriage and ended up having an affair so you have my sympathies. That said, my circumstances were different from yours because he was abusive so I was the one who didn't want sex.

I don't know what to advise you other than to get him to talk to his GP to see if his medication can be changed. I would also try and get him to lose some weight and start taking better care of his health. Failing that, I would divorce him. Life is too short not to be happy and not to have a sex life. Sorry.

justforthis2 Fri 29-Apr-16 18:28:15

If I can just add, my dh is not overweight and does not have any health problems.

neonrainbow Fri 29-Apr-16 18:32:00

If he's not interested in working on the problem i would leave. Don't have an affair.

readytoleave Fri 29-Apr-16 18:32:18

It scares me that one day I will lose my sex drive and just think "Oh well". I feel like I would regret all the years when I could have been having sex and didn't.

It's not just the sex itself that I miss but that deep intimacy with another human being, and the passion.

He doesn't really seem to want to touch me, or have any interest in me physically. I too have asked him if he's gay. He says it isn't me. Okay for him but how I miss being WANTED by someone.

HermioneWeasley Fri 29-Apr-16 18:35:06

Sex is important in relationships for lots of reasons, and it's not fair of him to decide it's off the menu. Six years?! I'd be going spare!

You need to talk to him - if he loves you he'll be willing to do something about it. If not, you either need to agree that you'll get your sex needs met outside the marriage, or leave him.

ordinaryman Fri 29-Apr-16 18:35:28

I have the same problem, other way around (ie: I'm male).

I've no real advice as I'm in the same boat, but have a little virtual support...

justforthis2 Fri 29-Apr-16 18:43:14

I understand that ready. I posted a brief summary up thread. I went through agony and insecurity feeling that it was me. He didn't fancy me etc etc. I lost weight, when I was never overweight to begin with. Began drinking heavily. People would say, 'you initiate it things' or 'put your hands on his penis'. I was rejected every time. It took a long time to come to terms with it. The hardest part was his refusal to discuss it. I have told him that no one else would have stuck around or put up with it. I think he is genuinely asexual. He just has no interest whatsoever.
You have to do what is right for you. Best of luck. thanks

Mouseinahole Fri 29-Apr-16 18:46:22

We haven't had sex for about 16 years now but fortunately neither of us is much bothered and we love one another very much.

justforthis2 Fri 29-Apr-16 18:51:16

Mouse That is where me and dh are at. I couldn't stand the thought of being without him. In that context, I realised sex was not that important

TheNaze73 Fri 29-Apr-16 19:30:14

Sex & money are the biggest causes of relationship breakdowns & no wonder you're at the end of your tether. I have no idea how you've managed to go 6 years, you have my full sympathy, it'd drive the majority of people to go crazy after 6 days, in a healthy, loving relationship. I think you need to leave him

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