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should I forgive?

(52 Posts)
sheriwibli Fri 29-Apr-16 12:50:33

Ok so this is really long and I'm new to this so apologise in advance.

I've been with my partner/ex for 4 years. I have one child ages 4 who he is/was in the process of adopting. And a now 6 week old who is his. Things have been bad for a while. And just before lil one was born we discussed things needed to change.

Jumping ahead to the week before lil one was born I found him deleting messages on Facebook to a girl he works with. And a few days before I was due I kept watching his Facebook as I was suspicious. So he goes into the bedroom to watch football and he keeps getting messages and deleting them. And I managed to screen shot some before he deleted. And he was basicAlly entertaining himself and sexting her while I was in the other room.

I kept quiet and threw him out the next day. We spoke over and over and eventually once little one was here we started properly talking. He told me he would leave his job. And now has been given managers position so he now refuses.

I'm basically stumped now. Because I don't know where to go from here. He's still living away. But I can't help but still want him. But at the same time. I don't know if I could ever trust him.

I know it bad but we have slept together since. And the next day he goes to work and I can't help but think what he's doing with her.

Any advice would be appreciated. Can it ever be forgiven? Or am I just hurting myself more? sad x

IamlovedbyG Fri 29-Apr-16 13:00:00

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 29-Apr-16 13:17:59

It's difficult because you don't know how far it all went.
You have a new born and need some help and support.

As PP said, this is something only you can decide.
This will be the next xxx years of your life though.
Decide if you can live like this or if you deserve someone who loves and respects you.

What is he doing to regain you and your trust?

Itsallaswizz Fri 29-Apr-16 13:24:48

No I don't think you should forgive him! You and your children need someone who will love and respect you.

UptheAnty Fri 29-Apr-16 13:27:24

What has he done to show you he's sorry?

MunchCrunch01 Fri 29-Apr-16 13:28:52

i don't think I could trust him again, if I'm honest. It matters how you feel though. A person that can't stay faithful when they're having a new little baby isn't much of a person really.

sheriwibli Fri 29-Apr-16 13:32:36

Tried to keep it as short as possible. But basically she phoned me two days after lil one was born telling me the whole conversation. They both claim that it went no further than sexting with pictures, but she did tell me when I threw him out they spent that weekend messaging saying they should be together etc.

He admits that he has had dreams about her and has fantasised but swears there's nothing else and that they don't speak other than at work.

I just don't know how I could forgive. As much as I want to I don't even know how I could start to trust him x

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 29-Apr-16 13:33:00

No this cannot be readily if at all forgiven. Once the trust has gone it never returns fully.

You are doing the pick me dance and hysterical bonding behaviours. Read up on those. Do not do the pick me dance and do not sleep with him any more. Doing that simply further makes you feel more awful and demeaned, you are letting him use you.

Do not model this to the next generation; that is the best gift you can give your children. They need to be taught good lessons about relationships.

Read Chumplady's website and "Not just friends" written by Shirley Glass.

sheriwibli Fri 29-Apr-16 13:34:24

Just to Add he is no longer allowed to adopt him as we have to be living together without a separation x

Friendlystories Fri 29-Apr-16 13:36:05

You don't sound as though you even know whether there's still anything going on with the girl from work OP, has he done anything to reassure you and rebuild your trust in him? That would be the only way I could forgive, total transparency and a lot of hard work from him to fix what he broke. What has he said about how far it went and what he's going to do to ensure you have no need to worry it will happen again?

Friendlystories Fri 29-Apr-16 13:37:32

Sorry OP xposted with you.

ImperialBlether Fri 29-Apr-16 13:41:59

I can't imagine a situation where I'd let someone like that adopt my child. He sounds very seedy and untrustworthy. Why on earth did you want him to have equal rights with you over your son?

sheriwibli Fri 29-Apr-16 13:45:37

Before all this there was no trust issues at all. We both trusted each other and if I had any doubts he wouldn't have been allowed by me.

He swears blind nothing more happened as does she. But I still doubt it to be honest.

sheriwibli Fri 29-Apr-16 13:47:53

And he has given me all passwords and open phones. But I still feel guilty checking.

Meercat after looking at hysterical bonding i actually agree. And it's irritating me that I never saw it before.

Itsallaswizz Fri 29-Apr-16 13:49:33

But surely enough has happened? What else would be have to do?

sheriwibli Fri 29-Apr-16 13:56:18

It has and i know it. I just don't know why I can't just walk away, I know I can't forgive him. I just don't know how I can just walk away either.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 29-Apr-16 13:59:02

I just don't know how I could forgive
It's a long and painful process.
One that I couldn't go through.
My ExH had a full on affair and I was going to try but after a very short time realised I would never feel the same about him again.
So I pulled the plug.
But this is your life and if you want to try then maybe try some couples counselling?
What is he saying were his reasons for disrespecting you and his own DC in such a way?

sheriwibli Fri 29-Apr-16 14:01:44

He tried to tell me that because things had been going stale (I had spd) and we were arguing a lot he just found comfort in her and they got close at work because they have a lot in common.

Itsallaswizz Fri 29-Apr-16 14:02:44

You don't have to do it today, or tomorrow, or next week - it's a huge and difficult thing to face so reasonable to feel overwhelmed by it all. But the fog will clear and you will be happier again. You and your children deserve better.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 29-Apr-16 14:06:42

So you were carrying his baby.
In constant pain.
Hardly able to walk.
And he thinks it went STALE.
He's a gobshite!
So when he should have been helping and loving you and getting ready to be a dad, he decided it would be best to cheat on you.
There are no words!!

Eminado Fri 29-Apr-16 14:07:09

I don't think this is forgivable.

If you hadnt caught him then what?

No way.
He has ruined what should be such a happy time for you.

Even when you threw him out he went straight to her.

Not forgivable to me.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 29-Apr-16 14:07:44

And YY to itsall
Take your time on this.
This is your decision and you need to make it with a clear head.
That takes time.
Don't be pressured into deciding. Do it at your pace.

Cabrinha Fri 29-Apr-16 14:11:09

No, you shouldn't.
He'll cheat again.
It doesn't matter if he's actually not lying about it only being sexts and photos and "we ought to be together" crap.
What he's done that you already know of is ENOUGH not to forgive.

What awful timing for you, I'm sorry angryflowers

sheriwibli Fri 29-Apr-16 14:20:38

Thing that's frustrating me is every time I go near him, even a hug or anything I kick myself after knowing I'm being stupid. I want to just be able to walk away.. He's having to do access to the kids here as he lives in a shared house full of weed smokers so I struggle not to give in when he's here. Which I know is really stupid. I just don't know how to find the strength to walk away. X

sheriwibli Fri 29-Apr-16 14:22:53

I know if I hadn't of just had the lil one I would be so much stronger, after having a section though I just stupidly let him work his way back as I needed the help. I honestly wouldn't know where to go from there, even access he argues with me over because he wants to come every night after work.

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