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Who's being unreasonable?

(17 Posts)
enfru Fri 29-Apr-16 08:25:40

Having major problems with DH at the moment- he told me he doesn't love me anymore but won't move out of our house despite telling DS 8 that he was leaving, but that's not the point of this post.
Just over two years ago he went through my phone and saw some messages to 2 very old friends of mine which he completely misconstrued and decided I was trying to have an affair with both of them (I was 37 weeks pregnant at the time and one lot of messages were over a year old)
The older messages were to my friend R who had been my best friend since I was 14 until I began my relationship with DH when I was 22. We had dated briefly as teenagers and had slept together twice. When DH and I began to see each other R ghosted me, which made it awkward for our mutual friends.
Fast forward to 2013 and our very good friend was getting no married and we were going to have to see each other for the first time in years so I text him to test the water.
We sent a few messages back and forth about how we were etc and he then said he still felt we were better of not being friends anymore. I replied that that made me sad but there would always be a place in my heart for him.
DH has taken that comment and decided I still love R- even though I've told him I didn't ever really love R, not like I love DH.
The second set of messages were from another ex but again, we dated as teenagers, the word love was never mentioned between us and we were very good friends for a long time.
He messaged me on Facebook saying he'd been out with people from school which had got him thinking about me and wondering how I was. I told DH the day I got the message and his immediate reaction was "he's after something" i said I highly doubt it and told him I was replying to Js message.
At the time I was 35 weeks pregnant and we sent some messages back and forth about life, he's married now etc. Then when I was 37 weeks pregnant he sent me a message asking how I was and I replied saying I needed a man servant because I still had so much to do before the baby came.
We then engaged in a sort of bantery role play where he was applying for the job of man servant. I said things like downsides to the job would be to put up with seeing me fat and sweaty (it was hot weather at the time) waddling around every day, I asked him about previous man servant experience he said he had had a close working relationship with the prospective employer from pre 2000.
To me it was all innocent maybe a little flirty but certainly wasn't leading anywhere whatsoever.
DH saw the messages and took man servant for sex slave.
Ive told him countless times he's got it all wrong, the last thing on my mind was sex let alone trying to start an affair.
He says he believes me now but he still brings it up and is currently using it as proof I checked out of our marriage 2 years ago.
So my question is, is he being unreasonable in continuing to maintain that I wanted to have an affair and got caught ( the fact the day he read the messages I had left my phone on the bed next to him and gone downstairs is proof to me that I wasn't trying to hide anything) or am I the one in the wrong?
Sorry it's long, well done if you've got to the end.

OliviaStabler Fri 29-Apr-16 08:30:55

Sounds to me like he is trying to make you the 'bad guy' in this current situation and absolving himself of any blame for leaving.

Blackheart2016 Fri 29-Apr-16 08:34:41

I certainly wouldn't be impressed if my partner was exchanging flirty banter about woman slaves but then I am not cool about friends of the opposite sex like some people are.

Also both these men were exes so it's not as if they are genuine friends in my view.

I don't think it was appropriate behaviour although I believe you that you didn't mean anything by it. It doesn't sound as if you were trying to have an affair.

However if he doesn't love you and wants to leave I think you need to sort things out on that basis.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 29-Apr-16 08:43:06

He's projecting.
Simple as that.
He doesn't love you anymore and there is someone who has turned his head.
He's making out you are to blame so he looks like the victim when you do end the marriage.

If I'd looked at my OH messages and seen that sort of exchange with his Ex's I don't think I'd have been impressed.
But then, I wouldn't have gone through his phone.
He's invaded your privacy trying to find some sort of 'proof' to absolve him and his shitty behaviour.

I've no idea how you get him to move out.
But for now just disengage.
Stop doing anything for him from now on.
No cooking. cleaning, washing, ironing, tidying. Let him sort himself out from now on.

I hope he goes soon.

artlessflirt Fri 29-Apr-16 08:50:20

I think he is BU to be throwing this in your face now, probably as a way to salve the guilt he's feeling about being the one to call time on your marriage.

That being said, considering it was such a long time ago it's obviously affected him more than you thought. I think my nose would be a bit put out of joint if I discovered flirty texts between a partner and their ex. Not sure I'd jump to the 'attempted affair' presumption straight away but it would certainly feel threatening to me.

I think it's all beside the point, though. If he's decided that he doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want to be with you anymore then that needs to be the starting point for you both. He shouldn't be using this as 'proof' of anything - but like I said, it sounds to me like he's trying to make himself feel better for his decision by using these messages as proof that your marriage was on it's way out two years ago.

shoeaddict83 Fri 29-Apr-16 08:51:02

I can see both sides - i wouldn't be happy if my DP was exchanging flirty banter like that with ex's (not just old friends, they are both people you have dated and/or slept with) and would wonder why, but at the same time he seems to be snooping, looking for evidence to use against you to justify him wanting to leave which is wrong.

It seems he doesnt want to take the blame for wanting to end your marriage so is using that as his excuse for leaving, but i do think it was a little wrong of you to engage in flirty banter - however innocent it was in your head - with an ex.

AriaTloak Fri 29-Apr-16 08:51:57

If I'd read those messages between OH and his ex's I would be a little put out by it, but I certainly wouldn't accuse him of trying to start an affair or 'checking out' of the relationship.

enfru Fri 29-Apr-16 09:50:54

When I realised how wildly wrong he had gotten the meaning behind the messages I felt physically sick. At the time of sending the messages I had no idea the content could've been taken the way he took it.
We went over and over them, unfortunately it coincided with when his depression was untreated and really was very bad. He needed to discuss them on a daily basis so we did.
Our daughter was born 3 weeks after he'd seen the messages and he still questioned me about them the day after. He asked me to block and delete both people, which I did because I felt so bad I had hurt him.
I am quite flirty in the way I talk and have a lot of male friends which is maybe why I didn't pick up on the fact that the messages could've been taken to mean anything more than the nothing they did in my head.
He says he's told loads of people about the messages to get their opinion and they all have said they can't believe he has stayed with me and I was obviously up for it with anyone who came along.
He says it's weird I would tell an ex they still have a place in my heart when to me R isn't an ex as such, yes we had a dalliance but that was half a lifetime ago, any romantic feelings towards him are long gone. He said if I had said it to any of my other male friends he wouldn't have had an issue, the same with the messages to J. Maybe I have been expecting too much these last couple of years to think he would understand our friendship is what meant something to me, not the very short lived teenage relationship.
I know the main issue is what he's said this past week about not loving me and I am attempting to deal with that, I just wanted to know if others thought I'd behaved as badly as DH does.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 29-Apr-16 10:27:53

he's told loads of people about the messages to get their opinion and they all have said they can't believe he has stayed with me and I was obviously up for it with anyone who came along
That's because he told them HIS version.
Not the real version.
Just remember that!

As he has depression, it may well be that he hasn't had his head turned.
Depression is an awful thing and makes people act very differently.

What is your next move with all of this.
You can't keep letting him 'beat you' with this message crap for years and years to come.
He either gets over it and never mentions it again or you split.

pocketsaviour Fri 29-Apr-16 10:31:00

Sounds familiar. When I finally got my shit together and told my ex I was leaving, he became convinced I was having an affair. He went through all my emails when I was at work. After intensive searching, he finally found an email to a male colleague in which I'd ended one jokey sentence with a winky face. Apparently that was PROOF that we were knocking boots hmm

I ended up saying to him along these lines: "I have no control over what you choose to believe. If you choose to tell yourself that I've met someone else, in order to make yourself feel no responsibility for this break up, that's up to you. If you find it comforting, fine. I won't be discussing your accusations with you or anyone else, ever again."

enfru Fri 29-Apr-16 10:33:21

I honestly think we've come to the end of the road.

I love him dearly but if he doesn't love me and he doesn't see the point in trying to save our relationship, both of which he's said, I can't change his mind and I'm not going to beg.
The thing is he wants me to move out not him which is not going to happen. He's the one to have fallen out of love and want to end the marriage so he can be the one to go. Getting him to go is going to be a battle in itself.

enfru Fri 29-Apr-16 10:36:10

pocketsaviour- I think i'll be borrowing that! Doesn't give any room for him to argue back.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 29-Apr-16 10:44:49

So he would keep the kids and bring them up?
Or would he want 50:50?
Because a judge would consider keeping the kids in the family home until age 18.
If I was you I would start to get some legal advice.
Find out where you stand with everything.
What your best options are etc....
I'd also get him really thinking and book for 3 estate agents to come round and value the property.
Get what info you can together, i.e. savings, pensions, his wage etc....
Your solicitor will find this useful for the divorce.
It's sounds so final and it doesn't have to be but it's best to be prepared and best to show him that you are now taking action.

enfru Fri 29-Apr-16 10:49:54

we rent, it's a joint tenancy which finishes end of July. He said he won't leave before then.
He wants me to take the kids. I gave him a list on Tuesday, a 'terms of separation' if you will, outlining how I'd like things to unfold for the future. He said I'm not going to have this all my own way and he won't live by my demands.

He's turned from Prince Charming into an Ugly Sister in the last week.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 29-Apr-16 11:01:28

They are not demands.
They are measures to ensure an amicable separation which is least upsetting for HIS kids.
Crikey, these feckin' men are so entitled it's untrue.

Drop a bombshell and then fuck you over some more.

He is now your enemy and you need to treat him as such.
End July isn't too far away so as I said before, disengage and stop doing anything for him.
Start looking at rentals for you and the DC.
Do you work?
Can you manage on your salary?
Don't forget if he is working he will need to pay child maintenance.
Calculator HERE
If you aren't working full time then get an appointment with the CAB and see what benefits you are entitled to.
Time to start being practical and getting things in place.

enfru Fri 29-Apr-16 11:07:10

I work part time, I've already been to CAB but until he leaves or I leave everything stays the same.
I have a pretty good relationship with our landlords so I'm hoping they'll let me stay on as a single tenant so the kids don't have to be disrupted any more than they will be by their father leaving.

artlessflirt Fri 29-Apr-16 11:14:35

OP, you haven't behaved as badly as he's making out - no. And more than likely he either hasn't discussed the messages with any of his friends and is just saying they thought that so he can further use it as a stick to beat you with, or he's told them a wildly differing story that portrays you in a much worse light. Do not let him make you start questioning yourself on this one as it's just a way of him trying to displace blame.

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