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Mother-in-law family photos

(14 Posts)
LadyPoppet Thu 28-Apr-16 19:54:58

Ok, so,
Hi! This is my first time using mumsnet! I felt the need to ask this question to see if this is something that's happened to other mothers with their mother-in-laws.

Ok! So I just came back from the dreaded visit to the mother-in-laws. There has been a slight atmosphere. No idea why. Maybe I have done something that displeases them.

My mother and father-inlaw keep a pristine home. I'm talking show home standard... Like you don't want to sit down incase a cushion falls out of its perfect position. she has a sideboard with a select number of family photos. Very select. There is a picture of my husband and I's wedding. Without me in it. Just all of his family. Even his sister's boyfriend. No bride. Anyway, there is a picture of their wedding (rightly so), a picture of their other grand-son and my little one's cousin graduating from nursery, a picture of him again playing about, a picture of my little one with him, and well a full picture of my little one as a baby. She is now two, and at this visit, I noticed (quite blatantly obvious) that my girl's picture has been taken out the same frame and replaced with her other grandson's new school photo.

So am I right to be upset?! My daughter isn't being represented in their family. There is only one picture of her, and it's only there because he's in it.

They have never liked me, but I have always tried. I'm the one who pesters my husband to see them as he never does. They never ask to watch my daughter and barely take any interest in her development. They just like to talk about their other grandson. I had a terrible relationship with my father's side of the family. And I don't want the same to happen to my daughter.

Every time we go up there fr them to watch her, it just seems like such a chore to them. I'm constantly being reminded of how her grandson did this at this age and how my daughter should be starting this. I'm sick of it.

The biggest thing that has happened recently with them, was my husband and I moving furniture from our house to our new house, we needed them to take our wee one for a few hours at most, but they refused because they needed "peace and quiet" yet the very same day they were roped into watching their other grandchild.

I feel this very unfair. They were taking over everything from the beginning but now my baby is a toddler they have just stopped taking interest. They are bored with her now.

Anyway, thoughts would be greatly appreciated because I'm really upset about this. Want some reassurance.

Wasafatmum42 Thu 28-Apr-16 20:02:40

I would be upset as well and at the same time I would take it as my time to start distancing myself , stop pushing your husband to go and see them they are his parents, you have done all you can for them to have a relationship with their granddaughter unfortunately you cant please everyone

Spandexpants007 Thu 28-Apr-16 20:20:44

My motherinlae hasn't any photos of me and put a photo of her DD's kids over my kids photo. Her loss though. I make less and less effort

pocketsaviour Thu 28-Apr-16 20:24:19

Sounds like my mum. She only put up photos from our wedding that didn't include my late husband. I sent her photos of my step-son who lived with us and called me mum from when he was 5 - she used to leave them in the cardboard frame from the school photographer and hide them behind other stuff.

I no longer talk to her. Read into that what you will!

HeddaGarbled Thu 28-Apr-16 21:27:31

Time to stop pestering your H to see them. Everyone is giving you a clear message, stop ignoring it.

CantAffordtoLive Thu 28-Apr-16 22:04:29

You know what, my MIL had no photos of me either. I didn't really appreciate the significance until I discovered Mumsnet. So. No. It isn't acceptable, it's hurtful, IMO. What to do about it, I'm not sure. I actually presented my MIL with a picture of my and my/our son. I think she put it up whenever we visited smile Really, In the grand scheme of things, what does it matter. Just limit contact, live your life, have fun. I guess limit contact. smile There is so much to do that wouldn't involve her anyway. smile

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 29-Apr-16 01:45:23

It is ok to not care about your mil. Really. It is ok to not care what she says, thinks, or does. Reduce your expectations to zero and you won't get hurt/be disappointed. Do not depend on her for anything.

If you perceive nastiness aimed at you, just don't participate. It is like bait, just leave it.

You have tried. You have tried enough. Creating distance, a boundary of detachment, is nothing to feel guilty about: your choices are a response to her behavior. It is always justifiable to protect yourself (that includes your mental health) from the put downs, diminishment, belittlement, degradations, etc.

Let your husband deal with his family. Pass the phone to him immediately, let him sort the pressies, and organize visits. You are not his ambassador/secretary to have to do these things for him in light of the treatment you have received.

Baconyum Fri 29-Apr-16 02:15:17

Is it possible your husband was the scapegoat and his sibling a golden child? This can extend to the next generation. Discuss with your husband?

Spandexpants007 Fri 29-Apr-16 08:17:07

I second having zero expectations. It makes a huge difference and means you can let go of any hurt

Spandexpants007 Fri 29-Apr-16 08:18:17

Yes and stop asking to see them. Your husband and mil are adults and can arrange thing without you

VeryFoolishFay Fri 29-Apr-16 08:24:44

I remember seeing my wedding photos on my mil's dresser without me in any of them. And I was the one who used to push to make arrangements to see them. We're now divorced and to be honest, it's a relief not to have to make the effort to be polite to them. The DC were recently showing me some video footage of family events my ex fil took over the years and they were embarrassed to admit I'd been edited out of all of them - it looks like they grew up motherless. It's sad but focus on the people who are kind to you.

Kelandry Fri 29-Apr-16 08:28:21

Fine. She has no photos of you, I'm guessing your neighbours don't, or your bin men, or your local mp. This is where she has chosen to place herself in your hierarchy, so let her. Polite indifference from now on. Don't make any more effort to please her than you do your bin men.

BarbarianMum Fri 29-Apr-16 08:34:10

<<Time to stop pestering your H to see them. Everyone is giving you a clear message, stop ignoring it.>>

^^This. They treat you badly, they show no interest in you or your dd. That's sad but it can't be changed. If you stop seeing them you will think about them less and soon stop minding so much. Sometimes there is a good reason that families don't have contact with certain relatives.

LadyPoppet Fri 29-Apr-16 15:42:16

Tbh, my husband and I aren't doing so good right now. I've started taking beta blockers for my anxiety ( which was exasperated because of their visits)

Every time they are brought up its an argument. Even he admitted there was an atmosphere which is strange cause he usually says it's all in my head.

At a difficult point in our lives. We have just sold our flat, and are living with my parents. We are on one wage just now as I'm the childcare. Our fights are mainly about me getting a job to improve our chances of getting the mortgage we want. His work is too erractic and my parents still work full time. I've calculated the costs in childcare verses my minimum wage and I'd literally take home £70 odd pounds for working full time... And I'd actually owe the childcare over a hundred if I went part time. My little one is 2 in June, so I really wanted to wait till she's 3 because then she will be at nursery.

I used to work before I had my little one, but I suffered really bad from postnatal. I couldn't leave the house never mind work.

Anyway we are struggling. He makes me feel like just another mouth to feed. And badgers me about getting a job. I'm still not fully recovered. I'm on the highest dose of antidepressant medication I can get. I recently got my own current account for my child benefit to be paid into. Because money has been such an issue. He seems to blame me even tho I hardly spend a penny. Never get a joint account people!!!

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