Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

[Iamdobby63]

I still don't get why if he thought you were only collecting some stuff why you would have to wait until Sunday? And if that was all you were doing why did it have to be a big drama with him collecting keys etc?

[garlicbreathing]

I have no idea either!

[OrangesandLemonsNow]

About you having to pay the bills of he leaves...

In short yes you would.

[enfru]

If the spare room has all his playstation stuff in it then it makes sense for that to now be his room.
No reason why you can't both use the main bathroom-lots of flatmates share a bathroom.

[garlicbreathing]

I have no idea why he thought waitng three days for me to access things i wanted was acceptable. No idea.

I'll wait for the discussion before knowing what we are going to do in terms of rooms ect, he might be going to his sisters!

[Storminateapot]

I'd be going back unexpectedly while he's at work too. And combing the flat for evidence of a woman.

How did this go from a 5 minute 'I need to think' conversation on Monday to 'I can't even be here while you pick up stuff and it has to be by prior arrangement?'

He's a cheeky fucker, I suspect you're ultimately going to see this as a narrow bloody escape before you ended up with children with this idiot!!

[AcrossthePond55]

Tagging in. Here's a cut/past of my last post on previous thread for info purposes;

I agree with Cool. Theoretically he could do whatever he wanted, even if he stays. But by not paying (or helping to pay) the mortgage he would risk the flat being lost to foreclosure (and the resulting credit nightmare) if you aren't able to pay it yourself. Same for any other joint bills, he'd risk becoming a bad credit risk.

As far as the car, I know here (US) it's pretty hard to get rid of a car without losing money on the deal as they depreciate so badly. Most just end up selling for what they owe on it if they have to get rid because the payment is too high. But could you look into refinancing? My niece (again, US) just re-fi'd her car and cut the payment in half. Basically, for the same reason. She and her fiancé aren't getting along and she's making preparations for a potential change in her 'living arrangements'.

Maybe at this point it would be best to just assume the HH expenses are going to be handled as before, with him paying the lion's share. It would be better for you financially that way. Just be prepared for him to want to change things, especially if he sees it as a way to 'force' you to give up the flat to him.

You are sure that your name is on the mortgage and deeds, aren't you?

[Goingtobeawesome]

His texts are screaming out to me he thinks he is in charge.

He is not.

You are equal partners in all scenarios.

HE is the one who has had his head turned, got panicky, is being cruel so he needs to be the one to fuck off to his drinking buddies houses.

[Storminateapot]

Meanwhile show your folks his texts, so they can see what a dick he is being.

[Iamdobby63]

If that's honestly what he was thinking then I'm afraid it doesn't look good, it looks like he has emotionally checked out already. I'm sorry to say that but you need to be prepared.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'll wait for the discussion before knowing what we are going to do in terms of rooms ect, he might be going to his sisters!

I wouldn't wait. That's just putting you, once again, in the position of waiting on him to decide things. Just move when you want to. I have a feeling if you wait for him to 'discuss' you'll be waiting a long time. Right now he has things the way he wants. Time for that to change and for you to see yourself as an equal, not a supplicant.

[garlicbreathing]

I'm already counting my blessings that we didn't have children. It's so funny because this time last week, it's all I ever wanted in the world. That's how secure I was in our relationship, because I wanted so badly to be able to make us into a little proper family. And now, I'm relived. I'm not even sad about the knowing now I won't be having a baby for definite for the next few years at least, it was the family I wanted. I felt like a failure for not being able to make him a dad, and I have to laugh now when he says he never even wanted that in the first place!

[loveyoutothemoon]

If he's admitting that now....just finish it yourself then. You want kids, he doesn't.

[garlicbreathing]

He's not said he never wants kids. He said he feels like he wasn't ready to have kids. I would have been happy to wait if I knew he felt so strongly about it. I would have been upset, but I don't force him into things despite what he says!

[enfru]

I don't think any of it sounds like a work of fiction Moistly. If I was OP I'd be seriously offended that you did- her anguish and confusion have been palpable and you can't make that up.

[garlicbreathing]

Wow moistly, are you my mum!? Fannying around giving space. Really. You know, if I was so set on this ending, I could be going over there, demanding he makes a decision quick and I'm pretty 100% I would at least know then that we are officially separated and firmly speeding along the road to divorce.

I wish this was a work of fiction, but unfortunately no. This is my real, true life. And I need to live it.

[Daffolill]

Garlic I've been following your post and I have to say it's nice that you are actually doing something now.

You've been very passive, why should you have to sleep in your parents spare room while he does what he likes in your marital home!?

I would be finishing ways you can live alone as your family sound like hard work too.

I'm also thinking is there another woman, I know you think it's unlikely but so do most women who have been cheated on.

Find your inner strength, think about what you want and go from there.

[ShatterResistant]

I've been lurking, and I just want to add something. You're getting stronger, which is great. But don't go in there all guns blazing. IMO, you need to sit down and really talk, just the two of you. Because if your marriage does end, it'll be important to you to understand WHY it ended, and to know you did all you could to save it. You seem sensible. But I'd warn against getting carried away, both of you too stubborn to find out what accommodations you could make for the other to enable you to continue your lives together.

[WannaBe]

Why are you giving him space until Sunday or even tomorrow? If he wants time he wants it for a reason. Go back tonight, don't tell him, let yourself into the flat at around 8:30 and you will IMO have your answers.

[penguinplease]

Have been reading since the beginning.
The only thing I'd say is get back there asap. Don't give him notice. What you find when you arrive by surprise might answer all your questions..
It's your flat as well, you do not have to wait or ask to return.

[NotQuiteJustYet]

Place marking on the new thread - can't believe how quickly the other one filled up!

Given what you've said about the spare room being more convenient because you'd get the better bathroom (girl after my own heart there haha), I'd go round when he's at work and start moving his stuff from your potential new room into his potential new room, and vice versa.

I send what PP has said about not waiting for his view on if he's going to his sisters - I have a feeling he's going to try and exert control even more. Even if he does choose to leave to give himself thinking space, you can always move things back afterwards.

It makes your intentions clear that you are coming home but the boundaries of your marriage have changed (on his terms and request) and will remain like that until things are either over for good or you've thoroughly worked through any and all issues.

[TheCrumpettyTree]

I'd be going back unexpectedly while he's at work too. And combing the flat for evidence of a woman

This crossed my mind too, although not the combing the flat part. You can go back whenever the hell you like.

[Moistly]

After all the years you've known him, however out of character all this is, surely you should be in your own home discussing how on earth it has all gotten to this point.

[garlicbreathing]

Decisions I made at the beginning of all this, I don't know if I would have made the same ones looking back now. But at the time, I did what I thought I had to do. My world had been completely flipped upside down by a man who was my best friend and my everything, and now, I feel like I don't know who the person is and what parts of our past were genuine. I know I shouldn't be back to second guessing myself and questioning everything, but it is so hard not to do that when something like this is thrown at you.

So I'm maybe also buying time, because as soon as I am back in my flat, I will be demanding the answers I deserve. At this point, I think I know where it's going to go, so I'm afraid of getting those answers and dealing with the next stage. It will need to be done eventually, but I just don't think I'm ready for it yet. Guess I'm maybe just as much of a coward as him.