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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I wrong in how I feel about DP's reaction to teen/child porn conversation?

90 replies

Followyourart · 28/04/2016 16:25

Was watching 24 hours in police custody last night, story about a paedophile that had been "set up" by a group of "paedophile hunters". I didn't want to watch it as it made me feel ill but DP wanted to see how it panned out, I suggested that it is the prevelence of "teen" porn that leads people to become paedophiles (not in all cases obviously) but I personally think it is a "progression" for some people. I also feel sickened that the "teen " category is so popular, and that this is simply accepted in society.
I might have raised my voice slightly only because I felt strongly about the subject - DP says "but they are children, not teens" I say, "yes but a teen is a child"
He then declares he's "going to bed" appears really angry, and doesn't speak to me when I get to bed / turns away from me.
Am I right to feel unnerved here? We've been together 3 years. The only thing I can think of is that he had a relationship with an 18 year old when he was 30... This didn't enter my head at the time.. Although that also, rightly or wrongly, unnerves me also sometimes.
Am I being weird about how he reacted? Was I expecting too much if him to agree with me about the teen porn thing? (He's 41 by the way, not 21.....)

OP posts:

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MySordidCakeSecret · 28/04/2016 16:28

do you mean that he said "they are teens not children"?

Followyourart · 28/04/2016 16:34

No, he said "they are children, not teens" as in, the victims of the abuse in the TV programme were children, not teenagers.

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Followyourart · 28/04/2016 16:36

Which is true, but I personally believe that a lot of girls in "teen" porn are actually underage and even if they are over 18 - still not mature enough to make such decisions, and it is this material that can lead people on to illegal material.

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Jan45 · 28/04/2016 16:36

No you weren't expecting too much, he seems to think teen porn is ok and yes I agree with you they are children.

ChicRock · 28/04/2016 16:39

The victims on the programme were children. They were not teenagers, the person the offender thought he was talking to was an adult telling him she was 12. 12 is not a teenager.

ChicRock · 28/04/2016 16:41

Eh? How've we got to the DP thinking teen porn is ok? The programme wasn't about teen porn.

Is it possible you were talking at cross purposes?

Followyourart · 28/04/2016 16:42

I know that but, I was freaked out about how he reacted, I mean where did the shouting come from?
I feel a bit shaky actually - I feel like he's hiding something?
Either that or I'm majorly paranoid.

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Followyourart · 28/04/2016 16:44

No, I said that I think child abuse (can be) a progression from using all of the teen porn that is prevalent on the internet. And when I suggested this I got shouted at ....?

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pocketsaviour · 28/04/2016 16:44

I personally believe that a lot of girls in "teen" porn are actually underage

None of the mainstream adult video houses will touch underage actors with a bargepole. So if you are referring to the type of "teen" porn you find on YouPorn, PornHub, etc, you are more likely to find girls going "I'm 18, heehee" when in fact they're in their twenties.

I'm not aware of any studies which show that paedophilia is "developed" by any external influence except for the paedophile themselves being sexually abused as a child. But if you are aware of any research in this area, I'd be interested to see it.

Just wondering: when you didn't want to watch the program and your DP did, why didn't you go and do something else? It seems you found the program really upsetting and I'm wondering why you would be unkind to yourself in this way. It's a hard subject and the last thing I'd want to watch at night before going to bed.

pocketsaviour · 28/04/2016 16:46

No, I said that I think child abuse (can be) a progression from using all of the teen porn that is prevalent on the internet. And when I suggested this I got shouted at ....?

Yeah, because he likes to watch teen porn, and you basically said he was on the way to becoming a paedophile.

If you said you liked watching police dramas and I said "Ergh, you must be a murderer in waiting" you wouldn't like it, would you?

Followyourart · 28/04/2016 16:49

Well I ended up having nightmares which is probably why I feel so uptight at the moment - I experienced abuse as a child and maybe I should have reminded him of this. It didn't help matters that he flew off the handle.
I don't think it's right that men get off on images of teenagers or women in their twenties "pretending" to be teenagers - he's 41 he could have children their ages (he doesn't, for the record) and he hasn't said he's viewed any porn, but judging by his reaction he has in the past.... I don't personally agree with it, or the "teen" genre at all.

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Followyourart · 28/04/2016 16:50

sigh I must be completely weird.

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Penfold007 · 28/04/2016 16:50

A paedophile is an adult or older adolescent who's main or only sexual attraction involves pre-pubescent children so usually under 10 to 11. I am in now way condoning adults having sex with under 16s but I think you are overreacting a tad.

barcelosthehappychicken · 28/04/2016 16:58

Given that he had a sexual relationship with a teen, I think he thought you were using the opportunity to get a dig in about it.

Are you sure you aren't stuck on that event in his life and have problems accepting it?

LaContessaDiPlump · 28/04/2016 17:02

I think he thought you were implying he's a paedophile and so he got upset, either because of that past relationship or because he's previously watched teen porn thinking it was 'ok'.

lljkk · 28/04/2016 17:06

Teens need protecting and are not fair game for adult sex.
But to me a teenager is not a child. Child stops at 13.
Teens are something between child & adult.

It's splitting hairs, especially if you've decided your DH is a closet perve over this.

Followyourart · 28/04/2016 17:10

But I'm 31 - so what does this suggest about his feelings for me? (Our sex life has dwindled significantly by the way, in the last 2 years)

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Followyourart · 28/04/2016 17:15

I probably am a bit stuck on the past relationship - but I don't know why.
It honestly didn't enter my head when I made the comments though..

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Thistly · 28/04/2016 17:18

If you are uncomfortable with porn in general, you may be happier with a partner who shares this view.

NewLife4Me · 28/04/2016 17:20

he obviously feels that when he was 30 and his ex girlfriend was 18, this was fine and he was doing nothing wrong.

18 is obviously a teen and he was saying that the children in the programme were obviously children and not the consensual 18 year old that was his gf.
he maybe thinks you believe that he was wrong having an 18 year old gf.
It's pretty simple, he likes 18 year olds. not saying he'll leave you for a younger model, but if you weren't together and he was single he may well go for a younger woman. maybe not 18 year olds now he's 41.

Ask him, have an open conversation about it. I know what age group my dh would go for if we weren't together, it doesn't mean either of us are looking to exit.

DownstairsMixUp · 28/04/2016 17:25

If you can't move on from his past, leave him. I dated a man for six months who was 24 and had recently had a fling with a just turned 16 year old so I called it a day. I knew it'd be a bug bear so I ended it then. Honestly you'll just keep finding ways to dig and question him and it's not worth it.

Penfold007 · 28/04/2016 17:28

Sounds like you have some significant relationship problems and the TV programme touched a nerve - sorry.

claraschu · 28/04/2016 17:29

I think there is a clear and important difference between men who are attracted to teens (who look like very young women), and men who are attracted to children (who are prepubescent- not sexual beings).

Do people really switch to being attracted by children because of looking at porn? That seems like a type of serious mental illness, in addition to being unspeakably horrible.

LastInTheQueue · 28/04/2016 17:31

I think I understand where you are coming from. A teen is still a child, whether they are 12 or 17 years old, is actually irrelevant - they are not adults.

I can also see where the possibility of blurred lines can come in - ie: an 18 year old is ok, so is a 17 year old ok too? How about a 16 year old with a mature head, but who physically looks younger? Where do you draw the line?

However, I think part of his reaction could be due to him having had a relationship with an 18 year old when he was 30, so he may have been thinking you were having a dig of sorts?

Personally I think a 12 year age gap when one of the people is 18 years old is a bit icky - it 's very different from a relationship when the people concerned are 34 and 46, for example.

Jan45 · 28/04/2016 17:39

Erm, the OP has already said she experienced child sexual abuse and her DP knows this - I'm with you OP, in fact there are so many blurred lines and mistrust in the the whole icky industry around teen porn it's best just to avoid it all together!

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