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Tell me your story after ltb

(29 Posts)
MrsBluesky1 Thu 28-Apr-16 16:20:35

I am in a very long and drawn out process of ltb.

I am very fixated on the 'ideal family' and it breaks my heart to take their father from them everyday (will happily do 50:50 contact if he wanted)

The idea of him moving on and starting a new family makes me feel sick.

YET I don't particularly like him at all or want him near me ever again. So I know I'm being irrational.

So, if anyone's felt similar, how did you overcome the 'idea' to do what's right? Was right? Anyone ever regretted splitting?

Yawninghippo Thu 28-Apr-16 19:20:27

I do understand. I split with my exH 3 years ago, am in a new relationship and expecting our first. I have 3DC with my ex.

We have been through every single up and down going from getting on, talking and laughing to full screaming battles. We were wrong together from the beginning, tale as old as time, I was young, he was a little older, I needed security, he was stable. Took a long time to understand that he was disintegrating my personality. Slowly rubbing more and more of me away. So I threw him out. He cried, yelled, screamed, hated me for doing it to him. For ruining his family unit.

Now, I can't stand him, his attitude, manner, irresponsibility, and general inability to put his children first.

But.......part of me will always think we missed out. That we should have been a family and we missed a trick by accident and lost it. And regret not staying. He has a much younger gf now and that will always sting. I couldn't imagine watching him have more children, though it would be hypocritical to have a problem as I'm having one with my new partner.

penisbeakerlaminateflooringetc Thu 28-Apr-16 19:23:50

Leaving my H was the best thing I've ever done.

I left him 6 months ago, it was rough when I told him I was leaving but thing quickly got better for me. I used to suffer with anxiety when I was with him and that has completely gone now. I'm feeling amazing.

DC's have coped with it really well too and adjusted quickly to having two homes.

The only regret I've got is that I didn't do it sooner!

DoYouKnowTheMuffinMan Thu 28-Apr-16 19:30:55

I left my exh nearly two years ago, since then I've gone to college (was not allowed to when I was with him) and have just got into university to do adult nursing starting a career and new life for myself. The kids have adjusted really well and are thriving. My exh has moved on, I'm not looking for a relationship right now but I have lots more friends and my confidence and self esteem is higher than ever.

No regrets whatsoever, I wouldn't go back to that life. Theirs so much more out there

MrsBluesky1 Thu 28-Apr-16 19:31:13

Thanks for your response.

I can relate to so much of that. With hindsight we should never have made it a year, yet I kept pushing it along.

I think it's a given he'll have another family given the chance, he's a huge manchild who wants to be looked after and wants another son as ours has autism angry. I really don't want him to abandon the children he has.

How did you handle throwing him out and get through the uncertainty?

Are you happier with your new partner?

MrsBluesky1 Thu 28-Apr-16 19:34:07

Doyouknowthemuffinman that's what I'm hoping for that I'll get my confidence back! Isi t hard seeing him in a new relationship or are you emotionally detached enough?

If I stay with him I would only be doing it for his and the children's sake and that's wrong right?

MrsBluesky1 Thu 28-Apr-16 19:37:16

Argh my phone isnt updating properly, apologies.

Penisbeaker that's what im aiming for, and how I think I'll feel.

He guilt trips me until I doubt myself how do I get past that and stick to my word?

penisbeakerlaminateflooringetc Thu 28-Apr-16 19:47:12

You need to get past it, you are not responsible for his happiness.

My H threw a pity fest when I told him. But his main concern was whether he'd afford to live on his own! He's a low earner with bad credit record so couldn't find a property to rent. He thought it was my responsibility to sort it out for him as I was the one putting him in this situation. He was gonna become homeless and kill himself (neither happened).

I was telling him for years how his actions (or lack thereof) made me feel but he didn't care. When I finally left he was surprised!!! He clearly thought I was gonna put up with his shit forever.

So, only worry about yourself and stick to your word! You are not his mother!

Yawninghippo Thu 28-Apr-16 19:56:58

My ex is also a man-child, albeit a very high functioning one that left most people unaware of his fuckwittery. He says he doesn't want more children but our only son has Down syndrome so could also see him having more to have another son.

Throwing him out was the single hardest thing I've ever done and I won't lie I dallied along that line for a long time, back together, not, back together again. But eventually his constant shaming me and emotional abuse pushed me to end it for good. I also 'found' my life again and that held me strong. It was mine and he wasn't having it!!

Yes I'am happier, my new partner is the exact opposite, very emotionally honest, will always talk to me and let me wobble if I need to. My ex left me with a lot of trust issues but thankfully my new partner understands and supports me. This doesn't stop me sometimes feeling wistful for the traditional partnership I always wanted and thought I had entered into, but I love my partner very much and I know I'm where I'm meant to be.

BertieBotts Thu 28-Apr-16 19:58:57

Don't know if mine will help grin

Left 6 or 7 years ago.

Ex started off seeing DS a few times a week for a few hours at a time. I got my mum to do handovers. This progressed to me being in the house when XP turned up and took DS and then to us meeting on mutual ground.

Ex found a new gf after 2 weeks. They dated for 6 weeks. He texted me all heartbroken when they broke up. I told him not to contact me unless it was about DS.

Contact changed to 5 hours per day both weekend days. Not overnights as DS was too little and XP was living on his friend's sofa.

XP found second new gf and discovered facebook. Conducted entire relationship on facebook (presumably for my benefit?) I am afraid I couldn't resist the temptation to stare at this car crash. New gf had a daughter who was in temporary foster care. She was calling XP "Daddy" within about a week. After 2 weeks, oh look, they are pregnant (I kid you not!) Both overjoyed going on about being a "real family now". They got the daughter back as SS apparently thought this relationship was "stable" confused

I felt weird. I didn't care that he had a new gf or was having a baby, but I'd wanted a sibling for DS and now he was doing it first.

Contact kept waning. They would mysteriously all be "ill" for weeks at a time. DS kept coming back and throwing up all night. I was seriously concerned because I heard that they had drugs in the house but my health visitor thought I was overreacting and persuaded me not to do anything. In any case, contact was so sporadic, it became less of a concern.

XP and gf's child was born and they didn't see DS for weeks. OK, they just had a baby. They then saw him a couple of times and then split up. Apparently the break up was extremely troubling. XP claimed that he was too upset to see DS, and didn't see him for about six months.

I met a new partner. I kept him apart from DS for a while but after the relationship seemed stable, I introduced them. New partner was immediately so nice that DS labelled him "Like a Mummy!" He had no concept of the word "Daddy" meaning a female version of Mummy. Later he realised that other children had a Daddy, but he had a Tom (not real name.)

XP decided to get into contact and I agreed to meet him with DS at a soft play centre. He saw him that once, then nothing ever again. GF lost both children to foster care again. They would later both be adopted. XP was asked whether he could take custody of his son, and he said no.

XP appears to have had a string of relationships with either very young women or women with children, but TBH, I don't keep up with his activities any more, and I have no idea what he is doing. He hasn't seen DS for five years. I don't know if he has any more children. I wouldn't be surprised, but XMIL has not mentioned any.

I married the new partner and we moved to Germany for his job. DS is extremely happy and DH and I are hoping to have a baby together next year. We haven't told him about his half brother, because he doesn't remember him and it seems silly when they can't meet until he is older anyway. He sometimes asks about his "other Daddy" and is very interested in how you can have genetic things from your parents but inherit tendencies from your non biological parents. All three of us want to change his name to match ours. XP refuses to sign the piece of paper in an irritating display of pettiness. We are likely to take it to court. He has not paid maintenance in six years.

BertieBotts Thu 28-Apr-16 20:02:46

You just have to accept in the end that you can't control what they do. You have no control over whether he abandons his existing children or remains involved with them, it's his responsibility and his alone. You can't manipulate him into it, you can't make him involved by staying, by leaving you are equally not forcing him away. No matter what he tells people or personally believes, you are simply not!

Do what's right for you right now, which is getting him out of the equation of this toxic relationship. What happens after that in terms of his relationship with your son is not any of your concern, hard as that it. It's completely separate to your own relationship with your DS and just something that you will have to weather as it comes.

And you will. You will just manage it because it's what it is. It's not perfect but it's better than being in limbo.

BertieBotts Thu 28-Apr-16 20:04:37

And BTW - there is NO such thing as the ideal family. You can be a lovely little family just you and your DC if that's what it is. That is fine. It was only me, my mum and my sister growing up and it was great smile

MrsBluesky1 Thu 28-Apr-16 22:05:00

I loved him with all my heart and did everything I could for him went above and beyond. I appreciated he worked hard so didn't expect him to chip in with house work (but I'm not a bloody maid can move own rubbish etcwink) cooked from scratch meals on table, would run him baths when he had a sore back and sit with him, we would be so silly and so many fond memories. And the sex started out amazing! Lots of exoerimenting ...

But he was a liar. Sometimes big, sometimes small. Apart from one small misdemeanour not the cheating kind of lies, but still eyebrow raising stuff. I overlooked them as I realised just part of his nature. Which was the start of it.

Gradually he lost respect for me... I was still trying to make him happy and becoming so confused as to why I was left feeling worthless or that he doesn't care after talking to him. I tried to do things to make him feel better, but he then learnt to take and take

Due to circumstances (children / study/ both working hours) I had to stop working and well he got worse.... Started calling me names in public.. Don't get me wrong pre children we had had a couple of blazing rows but we had mellowed after children and were a thing of the past. Bit of bickering and gripes due to lack of sleep but not like this. He scared me a few times. He became sexually controlling. He didn't care if I wanted to or not it was for his satisfaction only... Eventually that lead to me not being able to cope with this anymore

I grew up on of 8 4 dads between us. Not a happy time either.
I just wanted a happy family. I wanted the caravan holidays on the beach, day trips to the zoo, Christmas. Now all of that's shattered.

I type this crying my eyes out, because he finally accepted its over tonight.

SmokyJoJo Thu 28-Apr-16 22:54:08

I broke up with my ex 2 years ago
I did not want my daughter growing up in a toxic environmental animosity. She was 15 months old & I was terrified. But very quickly the pain was lifted & I was a zillion times happier.
Life is good now. That knot in the stomach sensation which I'm sure you're familiar with OP has gone.

IamHappy1976 Thu 28-Apr-16 23:03:07

Ex and I split up when our DD was 9 months old. I've made some mistakes (and so has he!) but we are so much happier :-) I'm investing time in friendships and having fun! If a romantic interest turns up, cool. If not, I still have some lovely mates.

hownottofuckup Thu 28-Apr-16 23:05:22

It took me 5 years to get over it. 18 months ago I decided I wanted to be over it, sought counselling, put the effort in.
And now I am. It's been a long time coming but it's wonderful.

MrsBluesky1 Thu 28-Apr-16 23:27:52

--reading step parent board makes me fear I've made a massive mistake--blush

MrsBluesky1 Thu 28-Apr-16 23:28:32

Well screwed that up...--does this work--

hownottofuckup Thu 28-Apr-16 23:36:45

I think you need to put a space before the smiley/after the ... For it to work like this not this.

hownottofuckup Thu 28-Apr-16 23:37:11

Oh or not! Ha

MrsBluesky1 Thu 28-Apr-16 23:44:59

like this grin

penguinplease Thu 28-Apr-16 23:55:54

I spent 13 years, most of which were miserable for me with my ex. We had dc and I thought the best thing for them was us together.
It didn't work, eventually after years of living a horrible existence I realised if my daughter lived that life I would be sad.. She needed to see relationships aren't like that. We split up, it was very hard and still is but ultimately it was the best thing to do.
He is their father, I will always love him for their existence but we never loved or even liked each other.
He is lonely now.. Regrets so much. Too little , too late.

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead Fri 29-Apr-16 00:08:34

My story is that all my niggling doubts and anxieties came true. The doubts led me to voraciously read all of the stories MN in order to get my head prepared for what I felt certain was ahead even threads that turned out to be makey-uppy had a value in the responses they drew

From Day 1, for me - illumination. Over. No reconciliation possible. Of course, I manically pieced the infidelity together in my mind, and had exhaustive, emotional, long conversations into the night with ex. But I never ever wavered.

18 months on, he is still denying the 'other person' in his life. I endure the fact that I have been replaced, but I struggle that this has never been communicated to me. I live in a culture where total NC is not the way to go about things. Families gather together for family events, and I maintain a strong link with the in laws.

Of all things, what I find the greatest difficulty is the disappointing and cowardly behaviour of ex, who weakly proclaims his undying love for me and the kids, while creating an identikit life with his girlfriend.

I am single, working, and a mother of four under ten, with 11/14-day care. I am impoverished - no, that's not true: I get exactly as much money as meets my needs, but ex earns approx £800k per year, and has himself an expansive and cultured lifestyle. I am embarrassed by his poor behaviour.

I wish he was a better person. Even if he had to have a long affair, there is no need for him to parade his singledom in a provocative and humiliating manner all over Facebook and Twitter

MrsBluesky1 Fri 29-Apr-16 22:23:16

It hurts!! Why oh why when I first kicked him out I felt a huge wave of relief and happier he's not here, but now it's been made more final it hurts! He fucked everything up! He ruined our family! I fucking love the fucking c**ting shit.

I wonder if he gets a new job, seeks therapy we may further down the line make it work?

LittleCandle Fri 29-Apr-16 22:51:41

I never thought I would leave as I was too scared to. Then he admitted he was cheating after I received an anonymous phone call. He was abroad working at the time and refused to come home. At one point over the first weekend, as I begged him to come home and sort this out, all via email, he sent me a joke that he had been told by the office staff, who were supposed to be sorting out emergency leave. That was when I realised that it was over.

I told him not to come back and packed a large bag with almost all his clothes in it (but I did keep his kilt as a hostage for a while). He was quite taken aback when I dropped it off for him. He moved in with the woman he was cheating with, but he was dobbed in as she was getting everything paid for her and that was that. Whilst living with this woman, he stopped paying all the bills - and I had no job and little prospect of getting one. He also told DD2 that he had a 'new family now' and wouldn't be able to give her any pocket money or pay for a trip away for a day or two.

We moved a few months later and got the house sold reasonably quickly (given it was the height of the banking crisis). I found my health improving vastly and I was able to get a job and slowly regained some confidence.

I don't miss him; I do loathe him. He remarried, and remained living out of the country so he could stop paying for DD2 when she left school. He didn't tell DD2 he was thinking of getting married (for the third time; I was wife 2) until he had done it and told her over facebook. He forgot to tell his son from his first marriage altogether.

I will never marry again - I doubt if I will ever date, as I could never trust a man again. It has been 7 years since I threw him out and it sometimes seems as though someone else was married to him for those 22 years. It was the best thing I have ever done, even if I am dirt poor.

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