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I'm fucking my relationship up

(33 Posts)
cheekymofo Thu 28-Apr-16 13:15:20

Basically I'm jealous of any female that goes near my OH. I am currently 10 weeks pregnant and this has happened from the instant my hormones have kicked in. He's started a new job 2 months ago.. in an office full of twenty something girls who all appear to be utterly stunning and I have wound myself up to the point that I am acting like a spoilt brat with him and cry a lot.

He has never done anything to give me cause to doubt him. My exh met someone at work and had an affair but that is not my OH's fault. He has always been affectionate with me and goes out of his way to make me more comfortable with the situation, but when I have these mad jealous episodes I can't think straight and can't talk to him. Not only am I at risk of pushing him too far I personally can't cope with this much longer. I've turned in to the stalker from hell. My GP thinks my moods will settle at 12 weeks but I could really do with some coping mechanisms to get me through. If anyone can relate to this or show me a way through it I'd be very grateful.

Wuffleflump Thu 28-Apr-16 13:27:09

Firstly, have you told your OH this? 'I feel incredibly jealous, it started when I got pregnant, I'm sure it's hormones, can you help me with this?'

cheekymofo Thu 28-Apr-16 13:35:59

I have, and he gone above and beyond to try and put my mind at rest but ultimately when this happens (and it's not all the time) I throw my toys out. I know I'm being unreasonable but I can't seem to stop. I don't understand why I'm so bad atm. I'd get it if he'd ever give me a reason to feel like this but he hasn't. I asked if we could both come off fb as one less thing for me to worry over and became off straight away. I'm being a nob but I can't stop myself. It's really, really worrying me now.

cheekymofo Thu 28-Apr-16 17:28:41

Anybody please???? I've just fallen out with him again. I need help but don't know where to get it.

Yawninghippo Thu 28-Apr-16 17:57:02

What caused the fallout?

BitOutOfPractice Thu 28-Apr-16 18:02:25

It sounds like you might need some CBT to help you reprogramme your thinking patterns. You sound so sad

AnyFucker Thu 28-Apr-16 18:07:57

I don't think you are correct to blame irrational jealousy in "hormones"

You are pregnant, not psychopathic

You need help with the issues from your previous relationship. I recommend counselling. It sounds like your OH is being very patient with you, but it win't last forever if you carry on like this. I for one would have refused to come off social media just to pacify you

If this was a bloke being so controlling he would have his arse handed to him. You need to get a grip and don't use pregnancy as an excuse

LitteRedSparkle Thu 28-Apr-16 18:09:14

You need to do something as you can't make him a hermit.

It's not fair on him, and in the long run you're only storing up pain

Kelsoooo Thu 28-Apr-16 18:14:59

Oh bless.

Whilst Previous posters are right, you can't control him like this... I understand how hard you are finding this.

I used to be so massively jealous and insecure, and tbh. I don't know what changed in me to make me less so:

So I've no advice but wanted to express my sympathy.

cheekymofo Thu 28-Apr-16 18:17:05

But what do I do to get round this?! My GP thinks it's hormonal and doesn't think I'm bad enough to be referred to talk to someone. Before this pg I wasn't like this and we've been together 2 years.

I know I need to suck it up and deal with it, and like now, when I've come out of my strop about who he's added on his LinkedIn I can see clearly that I'm acting like a tit but I lose all reasoning when I'm in the middle of it.

I will lose him eventually. All I'm doing is pushing him further and further away and I can't seem to stop

AutumnRose1988 Thu 28-Apr-16 18:19:11

Perhaps you have a few insecurities left over from the previous relationship but I understand what you mean by pregnancy hormones. It might not necessarily be the hormones but you will hardly feel your cute little self when feeling extra tired, nauseous, constipated, bloated etc etc yes, it's a magical time but there's the expected weight gain and lack of time for partner etc that will all no doubt make you feel like you are at a disadvantage to these girls who your partner will be too busy thinking about you and baby to even give a second glance to!

Pregnancy is a funny old time. Talk to your partner and really try and make the effort to not have things escalate because how you feel isn't your fault but letting it get out of control will be xx

Evergreen17 Thu 28-Apr-16 18:23:28

Hi there
First of all, well done coming to ask for help as you can see that your behaviour is affecting your OH, that is very positive.
You also seem keen on addressing this, again well done smile
I am sorry Any f%}# but I disagree with your post.
Comments such as "get a grip" towards someone that is struggling with something like this are unnecessary and incorrect anyway.
Pregnancy and menstruation do change your hormones balance and your brain is ruled by all sorts of chemicals sending messages and wanting to run the show. Some people have naturally a more effective way of balancing them, the same way some people can regulate insulate just fine and some can't.
So what to do? Well if you are finding it tricky to regulate your blood sugar you will train yourself to eat different foods.
I agree with bitout, because you can train your brain to take control of your feelings and look at situations in a different way. CBT is great for this.

I would suggest:

1. Call GP and discuss
2. See if you can be referred to CBT sessions/ buy some books as well
3. Tell OH of your plan and how you are addressing the situation.

Best of luck, just take one day at a time and write feelings done then look at them again with a bit of perspective. You can make it better you will see
smile

category12 Thu 28-Apr-16 18:29:43

Perhaps you should stop looking at his online activity for a start, if that means hiding his stuff or coming off those sites yourself.

And do lots and lots of positive loving things together and apart - by the latter, I mean filling your own time with friends or activities.

AnyFucker Thu 28-Apr-16 18:31:56

Meh. How are women ever going to get taken seriously if irrational jealousy is blamed on "hormones"

Like I said, if this was a bloke he would be labelled as controlling and emotionslly abusive

No free rides from me on the basis of being female. Op knows she will lose him if she carries on. She knows as she is causing the arguments that each and every one pushes him further away.

It is up to her to sort it out.

cheekymofo Thu 28-Apr-16 18:36:26

Evergreen - thank you x

I had 3 mc last year then an ectopic, and I have put a lot of weight on over the last 12 months which I think is making the whole situation worse.

I will contact my GP again and see if I can get referred.

AF I've always had time for your posts, what I don't understand on this occasion is why it's only just happened now, and not prior to this pregnancy. When I say I'm jealous it's like an all encompassing scenario and I lose sight of everything else.

EatinAintCheatin Thu 28-Apr-16 18:36:59

Awww I would feel similar tbh. And it's exacerbated when you're pg isn't it as your hormones are all over the place. plus pregnancy makes me feel pretty shit and unattractive.

But remember it's you he's with and its you he loves. X

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 28-Apr-16 18:41:04

You really just have to force yourself to be in control. Imagine how you would feel if he suggested it to you. You're basically calling him a cheat and a liar and a shit person. How would you feel if the person who is supposed to love you most in the world thought that about you? You need to take all of your self control and focus it on that.

AnyFucker Thu 28-Apr-16 18:45:40

This doesn't sound like "jealousy" then...it sounds like a massive loss of self esteem (for the reasons you give) that you are turning around onto him.

You know in your heart it's not his fault but you are looking to find blame somewhere.

No one is to blame...but it is you that needs to change your behaviour, not him.

Blue2014 Thu 28-Apr-16 18:52:33

I'm not sure why a woman should be expected to deny the impact hormones can have in order to be taken seriously by men? If men experienced hormones in the way some women do (and I really do, I can cry for hours about being given the wrong spoon when I'm due my period - without the hormonal influence I'm a perfectly reasonable person) I believe they would have become universally accepted and not seen as a 'weak excuse'

Hormones, especially pregnancy hormones, can have a massive impact on mental health (PND or post partum psychosis anyone?) They are real.

OP managing with the hormones is going to be hard but start by reminding yourself of that each time you feel the emotion swell up. Just because you feel something doesn't mean you have to respond to that feeling. Recognise it for what it is and don't act. And fingers crossed it all passes soon

RaeSkywalker Thu 28-Apr-16 19:13:01

I think you need to go back to your GP and say something along the lines of "this is having a major impact on my relationship. The pregnancy has probably amplified insecurities that I already have, but it's not the cause of them. If I don't get help, I think that my mental health will deteriorate and my relationship will be irrevocably damaged. I would like to be referred for help".

It sounds to me like you're struggling with issues that have been there for a while- your pregnancy has just been the catalyst for them coming to the fore.

In the meantime, when you feel yourself getting upset, remove yourself from the situation. Go to another room to try and calm down. Do something to distract yourself- clean the bathroom, call a friend for a chat, go for a walk. If your GP won't refer you, try another GP. If you still don't get help, can you pay for private counselling?

I'd also consider calling your midwife to see if they can refer you for support.

Finally- please stop looking at your OH's online activity. It's obviously making you feel worse flowers

AnyFucker Thu 28-Apr-16 19:46:08

You make it sound like I dismiss women's experiences of pre and postnatal depression hmm

I don't believe that any mental health illness, whether hormone mediated or not, is an excuse for controlling and abusive behavour

If a bloke came on here and said he was depressed then described how he was wrecking his own relationship with bad behaviour, would we be falling over ourselves to let him off the hook ?

Spandexpants007 Thu 28-Apr-16 19:54:18

Look he's chosen to be with you. He wouldn't be with you otherwise.

Work on your self esteem. Start appreciating yourself and your qualities. Stop thinking everyone's better then you because it's unhealthy way to exist.

Do mindfulness, meditation, CBT. Try and catch the thoughts and challenge them as they appear

Blue2014 Thu 28-Apr-16 20:10:20

AF - that's not what I said. I actually agree with you entirely that it's not an excuse for controlling behaviour (I have been an arse to DH in the past because of my PMT, it felt legitimate at the time but it wasn't - as I later said in my post it's about learning not to respond to the irrational feelings)

My comment was directed to the point of "meh, how are women supposed to be taken seriously ..." Etc. Hormonal changes are serious and they need to be recognised as such. I didn't say that was an excuse for behaviour, just that it's not something to be dismissed outright.

Blue2014 Thu 28-Apr-16 20:14:07

Ps. Check your diet, it's sounds crazy but sugar makes my PMT a million times worse. I don't follow my own advice but I'm happy to share it with others wink

AnyFucker Thu 28-Apr-16 20:19:18

Yes, hormonal changes are serious but we do women no favours when we excuse behaviour like this perpetrated by a woman but vilify that of a man

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