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Understanding anxiety help with my parents(7 Posts)
Im in my late 30's and am struggling with an anxiety disorder at the moment possibly brought on my a really eventful year. going from part time to full time work, marital problems, controlling behaviour, house sale, buying a house and divorce. I am still learning to cope with a change in family life and have two children who live with me full time and have found myself struggling with organisation. i used to keep on top of my washing, do a weekly food shop and make home cooked meals but lately i find myself avoiding things like this, i dread taking my children to activities but once i set off i am ok (they never miss) i feel very overwhelmed with just the basics and from the outside i feel like i look lazy.
My parents have been amazing and really help me with my children but i feel like they dont understand my anxiety disorder and sometime make it worse without meaning to. my mum tells me that she stays up late doing jobs in order to get organised and that she is stressed too but just gets on with it, i feel judged and useless and when i try to bring it up with her i get a guilt trip about how much she helps me which believe me i know!.
she tells me what to do alot regarding my children and questions normal decisions i make like not sending my children to a party as we had already made arrangements, and if i decide to keep my children off an activity because we want to spend time as a family she is dissapointed in me.she makes me feel guilty and i still feel like a child around her and resort to shouting and screaming when i feel attacked. she tells me she wants me to be the best i can be but to me i feel like i am doing the best i can do and its not good enough, she tells me she wants the best for my children but it makes me feel like she thinks i dont.
I have told her i am not her and as much as i would love to live up to her standards i cant especially at the minute.
i have tried to talk about this but it gets me nowhere, can anyone advise what i should say to her? how to get taken seriously without being made to feel ungrateful!
I'm sorry to hear you are going through a tough time and have anxiety disorder. It sounds like your mum is trying to push you into being something you're not.
You're doing awesome - what a lot of life changes you're coping with in a short space of time!! It sounds like you're doing the most important thing - looking after yourself and your kids - screw the housework!
I once did counselling and re: my mum and her expectations for me the counsellor said to say "when you....I feel.... e.g. when you give me a row for not cleaning and say you 'just get on with it" I feel like I'm not good enough and that is not helping.
Can you see less of your mum if she is causing you stress at the minute? (or is that not possible due to childcare?)
I also notice that it sounds like you have no time to yourself to process what you're going through (the hardest thing when being a mum!). Is there a wee treat you could organise just for you, such as renting a movie or netflicks etc once the kids are in bed?
Thank you so much for your response. like i say my mum is great and will have the children for me when i need her to for special occasions and appointments but i couldnt find the time to enjoy a hobby, i find once the kids are in bed i am exhausted. i used to run but dont find the time anymore without asking for more help with the children. i cant get a break from my mum as she has my children before and after school and the thought of changing that routine bothers me. ive tried telling my mum her comments dont help but it doesnt matter she still continues to do it as she doesnt understand.
My mum is definitely pushing me to be someone im not. i'm on medication and CBT at the moment so hopefully this will help.
Does she comment in front of your children?
Meds and CBT sound like a great way forward
no generally not but she does make agreements/decisions with them that should be for me to make and because she has told them i cant say no, i find myself getting my children to lie for me though as my son had no school socks left this morning and i wouldnt have minded sending him in some subtle patterned socks but i knew i would be frowned upon and judged by my parents for not being on top of my washing so he is wearing the same socks he wore yesterday i shouldnt be getting my children involved. for the record i do wash clothes most nights but just forget to put socks in or i just do darks and not lights.
Have you given any thought to the fact that your mother is causing a lot of this anxiety? You need a break from her, because she won't stop unless she knows you're absolutely serious that the consequences if her not baking off are that you will massively cut down the time you will see her.
You need to make alternative arrangements for childcare before and after school - your sanity is far more important than her feelings here. She has ridden roughshod over your feelings and wishes too many times
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