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husband messaging other woman

(23 Posts)
Lovepolkadots Thu 28-Apr-16 06:43:31

Ok so I posted a thread four months ago. I had discovered explicit messages on my husbands phone between him and an unknown woman. To cut it short we had a terrible time, but eventually after much pleading from him and weeks of negation I decided to give him a chance for our 3 children's sake. He promised he would never speak to this woman again. He said it had only been sexting no physical contact. I didn't believe him.
Last weekend I had his phone for a second as my daughter was playing with it. It's normally locked with a pin code. I took my chance and looked at his whatsapp and immediately found a message from a person who said 'please stop contacting me I want nothing more from you, delete my number ' It was sent on a day when I was away for the weekend with the children visiting family.
I've not mentioned this to DH and I wasn't able to look for other messages as he came in the room and I had to drop the phone.
I don't know what to do, what would you do? I am in a very tense state. Trying to act normal. I know if I mention it he will make up some story about it being a colleague or something, he is a very clever liar.

YvaineStormhold Thu 28-Apr-16 06:46:27

You don't trust him.

I don't blame you.

You're going to have to talk to him, and also have a big think about whether you want to stay with him. I wouldn't, given what you have written.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Hissy Thu 28-Apr-16 07:40:57

So he's been harassing someone, who has now told him to leave her the fuck alone. Not acceptable.

Do the whole pack a bag for him, folded arms and "speak" routine.

Then ask him to get out until you figure out wtf his purpose in your life is. Silence is the strongest negotiation here and it'll be illuninating for you to see just how much bollocks he comes out with.

MarthaCliffTheCunt Thu 28-Apr-16 07:43:19

He's a scumbag and a dickhead, you already know that and don't need further proof.

WellErrr Thu 28-Apr-16 07:46:04



rosyleigh Thu 28-Apr-16 07:50:30

No no no.....LTB

TheNaze73 Thu 28-Apr-16 07:52:34

Even if he's not physically cheated, he has mentally & emotionally. If trust is a big deal to you, I can't see a way back from this for you sadly. And I don't actually see why you'd want to? Whatever the causes are for his straying, what he is doing is so wrong. Has he tried flirting with you or are your conversations functional? Not making excuses in the slightest for him but, happy people don't stray. He's treating you so badly & I think you'd be better off without him

0phelia Thu 28-Apr-16 07:53:37

He could be sexting tons of women and harassing them. He could have been meeting up with women this whole time. He could be quite vile, you already know he's a liar. I wouldn't say it's clever, it's cunning.

Icecappedpinetrees Thu 28-Apr-16 07:56:24

You need to ask?

Kick his sorry arse to the kerb. He lied, cheated and you were prepared to forgive him for your children and he's done it again??? Get rid of him.

SurroMummy13 Thu 28-Apr-16 08:41:24

Get his phone somehow.

Lovepolkadots Thu 28-Apr-16 09:07:14

I would get his phone but it's locked all the time. I should mention that I'm living abroad in Italy. He is Italian and they are famous for this shit. However he is a good dad. A good provider. The kids are inprivate British schools. I want to come back to uk with the kids it that is dangerous as he has already previously threatened to 'not allow me to do that'
I'm totally trapped!
I just want to be a good children have no idea obviously.
Luckily my mum is in England and we could live with her so I do have a place to go.
I feel if I mention this to him he might get wind that I want to leave and do something silly.

Lovepolkadots Thu 28-Apr-16 09:08:51

I'm already booked to come to the uk for the summer in 7 weeks time. Maybe I should keep quiet until then, then at least when I'm In a safe place it will be easier?

Arfarfanarf Thu 28-Apr-16 09:18:13

A good dad is not the same as a good husband.

He is not a good husband.

You matter too.

If you fear that he will not allow you to leave then yes, wait until you are in the uk where you have a stronger negotiating position. Some people will say that is an unfair thing to do to him and in certain situations it might be but if you are fearful of his reaction it makes sense to ensure you are in a place where you have support. Italy isn't the moon, it's a 2 hour flight and you aren't talking about taking the children away from him and banning him from their lives!

Or - leave him now and remain in italy and see how 'good' a dad he is when he is separated from you. If he is a 'good' dad he will provide financially for his children - (and not the minimum he can possibly get away with but a reasonable and realistic amount to contribute fairly to the life they enjoy now), he will see them regularly and he will do nothing and say nothing to or about you that will cause upset to his children.

It's easy to be a 'good' dad when you've got your feet under the table. It's when you are separated that you see who is and who is not a 'good' dad.

fuckthatforagameofsoldiers Thu 28-Apr-16 09:24:55

He is Italian and they are famous for this shit slightly racist OP? hmm
Try to get his phone somehow, this is awful for you OP, he's obviously playing around and I don't think you could ever trust him again, what a stupid, stupid man. flowers

penisbeakerlaminateflooringetc Thu 28-Apr-16 09:24:56

Unfortunately you cannot take the kids and move back to the uk if he doesn't want you to.

I'm in the same situation, I had children with a Brit and live in Britain. He's horrible and we're going through a divorce. I went to a solicitor for advise and she said that I absolutely cannot take the kids and move back home. (EU country same distance away from UK as Italy is.)

You will have to somehow get him to agree to let you go. But I think you should definitely leave him either way, even if you remain in Italy.

CommonBurdock Thu 28-Apr-16 09:26:16

You need to be very very careful if your ultimate aim is to bring the kids back to the UK. He has every (legal) right to stop you taking them and also from keeping them in the UK after/during a summer holiday. It all goes on last place of residence not best interests of the child.

Toomuchinfo1 Thu 28-Apr-16 10:20:13

I agree that you should try to get his phone again, and build up some evidence (if there is any). this should also help you get the strength to leave, if you see more stuff in black and white.

I read messages on my (now ex) boyfriends phone from when we first got together. just seeing the way he spoke to other females helped me dislike him enough to leave. (along with all the other reasons of course)!!

you have already caught him out, and the trust is gone. I really feel for you, as it's a difficult situation to be in, but you really do deserve better. isn't awful how we question our own worth when we are treated badly.

sending lots of supportive hugs and positive thoughts xxx

Goingtobeawesome Thu 28-Apr-16 10:24:31

He's been sneaky. Why shouldn't the OP.

ChicRock Thu 28-Apr-16 10:29:29

You don't trust him, he's obviously harassing someone (and I'll guarantee it's a woman) by whatsapp, and you're up shit creek with regards to bringing the kids back to live in the uk if he won't allow it.

What do you actually want, because it's not clear? Is this the line that he's finally crossed and now it's over for you? Or are you willing to be talked around again? Because you seem to be persuading yourself with the whole "good dad, good provider, kids in private school".

I really wouldn't advise coming to the uk and then refusing to bring the children home.

Lovepolkadots Thu 28-Apr-16 10:57:29

I don't trust him and I am pretty sure I want out.
I don't say that lightly as I want the best for my children who I adore.
I've found out one of the mums at school is a lawyer. She kindly agreed to meet me privately. I'll start by seeing where I stand legally.
I don't mean to be racist to Italians.
It is true that many subscribe to the old style behaviour of a wife and a lover on the side.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 28-Apr-16 14:18:30

He sounds incorrigible OP and if you are unhappy on many levels I don't think the marriage is working for you. I am glad you're meeting a fellow parent who may be able to offer legal advice.

Btw I read that Vodafone introduced their 'Alter Ego' phone contract specially for the Italian market - 2 lines for 1 SIM which was apparently allowing the user to choose which line is active and which unavailable. Useful for extra-marital communication I don't doubt.

Jan45 Thu 28-Apr-16 14:51:36

How can you be a `clever` liar, obviously he's not!

I think he needs a consequence OP, in other words, unless he opens up and tells you the truth, he needs to go, at least until YOU decide what you want to do.

NathalieM Thu 28-Apr-16 15:22:58

I agree with Jan above, you gave him another chance and it seems like he may be taking advantage. Don't jump to conclusions just yet, you should find out the truth first and make him explain!

Parents unhappy together is worse for children then parents splitting up in my opinion. Best of luck!

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