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In need of clarity/hand holding, leaving emotionally abusive dh at last!

(19 Posts)
Ijustwannabreakfree Wed 27-Apr-16 20:35:29

I don't really know where to start! I have been with dh 6 years married 3, we have 2 young dc together and I have 2 school age dc from previous dh. Dh likes to be in control and I feel like I have slowly woken up and I'm beginning to realise he is emotionally, verbally and somewhat financially abusive, he is also unfair on the kids and doesn't seem to really care about anyone other than himself. A few examples...
if things don't go his way he sulks, this is the favourable reaction, he has shouted insults at me before, sworn at me calling me a stupid bitch in front of or in earshot of the kids. He has taken my car keys so I can't leave after an argument. We don't share money, I pay half of all bills and pay for most other things while he saves his money. I feel like I don't do anything right, both me and the kids walk on egg shells often.
The confusing thing is sometimes he is nice, I know this is all part of the cycle of abuse but it's just so hard to accept that he is actually abusive. I will leave him anyway as the only way I seem able to stick to the decision is by deciding I'm leaving for the kids, they deserve better and he's never going to change.

Rarity75 Wed 27-Apr-16 20:41:56

Hand hold flowers
Some wiser posters will be along. But good luck, don't second guess yourself.

FetchezLaVache Wed 27-Apr-16 20:46:30

I left my husband over swearing at me in front of DS alone, so I definitely think you're doing the right thing- I haven't looked back! Good luck. flowers Have you got your exit plan in place?

Ijustwannabreakfree Wed 27-Apr-16 20:53:49

Thanks for your responses, I don't have an exit plan, I'm winging it really! He kicked off again this morning over something he did wrong as he didn't like me challenging him, made me late for work by storming out after telling me to fuck off and leaving me to walk dog and drop the kids at various places which he would usually help with. I'm not speaking to him at the moment so I'm planning on just sticking with it and hoping he will leave, failing that I will have to take all the kids and the dog and stay with my parents. There is a spanner in the works though as we are supposed to be going on a very rare holiday next week and my children are really looking forward to it, I don't think I would manage the holiday without him as my youngest need constant supervision obviously, not ideal around around swimming pools!

SmokyJoJo Wed 27-Apr-16 20:58:28

Hi OP
Sounds like you're totally doing the right thing
My sister is with a man who sounds very similar to yours
I recently spent a wkend with them & watching her & the kids walking on eggshells all the time was so awful.
Life's too short. Good luck. Wish my sister had your strength & determination wink

pinkyredrose Wed 27-Apr-16 21:04:22

A stable balanced unabusive home life is far more Important than a holiday. Sod the holiday, he's a cunt and he'll be a cunt on holiday. How soon do you think you could leave or if you ask him to leave would he go?

Ijustwannabreakfree Wed 27-Apr-16 21:07:33

I don't think he would go quietly, I could go to my parents tomorrow, my hope is that if I went he would eventually realise I was serious and then he would leave. Our house is privately rented, he couldn't afford the rent on his own but I would get some help from tax credits and housing benefit so I could.

pinkyredrose Wed 27-Apr-16 21:25:00

Good that you could afford the house. Have you spoken to a solicitor re. divorce? Would be good to have a handle on your legal and financial status before you speak to him so you know where you stand.

Ijustwannabreakfree Wed 27-Apr-16 21:34:02

No I haven't, that's a great idea, thank you pinkyredrose. I'm feeling really strong and determined at the moment but I'm dreading the next few days and weeks, even though he is a complete arse I do love him, it makes no sense, I feel sick every time I imagine him actually leaving, which I know is stupid because I'm sure my children will be happier when he has gone.

pinkyredrose Thu 28-Apr-16 09:41:02

It's normal to still love the partner who treats you like shit and who you know is bad for you. I can't imagine he was an arsehole to begin with, you'd never have got with him otherwise. Now that you realise it's an unhealthy relationship that is actually damaging to your family it's likely that you'll have conflicting feelings ie. Love, repulsion for him, sadness, excitement for the future, mourning for the relationship that could have been etc.

You know in your heart the right thing to do. I would definitely speak to a solicitor who specialises in divorce/family law, maybe the CAB could recommend someone? Would be good to get all your ducks in a row so to speak so that you have a clear vision of what should happen after you speak to him.

Beelzebop Thu 28-Apr-16 09:44:16

I'm rooting for you! Inspire me! I am stuck here in the same situation! 🌹🌹

Fishface77 Thu 28-Apr-16 09:45:43

Well done op!
Line up your ducks.
Important docs anything of sentimental value.
Get them out of the house ASAP.
As soon as he realises you have "checked out" things will get hard for you. flowers

CoconutShampoo Thu 28-Apr-16 09:48:30

You're being very brave and strong op, just try to stick with it and move forward. You can manage the holiday with all four, even though you think it'll be difficult, you'll probably enjoy it more just being you five and no more walking on eggshells to try to avoid arguments. Good luck and have a lovely time

Ijustwannabreakfree Thu 28-Apr-16 18:43:05

Thanks everyone, I slept in my sons bed last night as he was at his dad's, I didn't want to be anywhere near dh, I didn't speak to him this morning, he has come home from work this evening, playing Mr Nice, I'm planning on sleeping on the sofa tonight though.
I am in two minds about whether to keep the peace for the sake of the holiday or just pack up and leave him this weekend, any opinions would be greatly received!

pinkyredrose Thu 28-Apr-16 18:58:12

When are you due to leave/return from the holiday? I'm just thinking that holidays can be stressful, even good holidays. Do you think you can stand to be around him that long?

Ijustwannabreakfree Thu 28-Apr-16 19:22:18

We go next weekend for a week, I think I could make it ok, I know how to handle him, just thinking this would give me time to seek legal advice and get everything sorted to leave when we get back.

pocketsaviour Thu 28-Apr-16 20:27:34

I strongly advise you do not go on holiday with him.

I have been in that position and it was AWFUL. He already controls you by hiding your car keys etc. Imagine that happening when you're away from home. confused

I would take the kids on your own. How old are they? Where are you going, within the UK or abroad?

Ijustwannabreakfree Thu 28-Apr-16 21:40:33

Thanks pocket, I has just surpassed himself yet again! I was watching to upstairs to stay away from him in the lounge, he came up to go to bed so I quietly gathered my things to take to sleep in the sofa, he asked me if I was sleeping in the other room again to which I replied no I was going to sleep on the sofa, he asked why full of fake concern, I said I didn't want to be near him. He then said that I was out of order yesterday, completely played down everything he did and said, denied telling me to fuck off, said he said jog on (he 100% said fuck off) so he's trying to confuse me and turn it all around and blame me as usual. I told him I wanted to separate, offered to still go on holiday (just so he couldn't use that against me) to which he replied fuck off, you are not going, I have the kids passports! He doesn't have the passports as I have already hidden them! He then calls me a fucking troll and tells me he is going to make tomorrow amazing in a threatening way. I go downstairs, he follows me and accuses me of trying to twist things, I did not engage u just kept asking him to leave me alone until he eventually got the message.

So I won't be going on holiday!!

Ijustwannabreakfree Thu 28-Apr-16 21:41:15

Kids are 9, 8, 3 and 1.5, yes we were going abroad.

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