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Erectile dysfunction meds, how on earth do I deal with this without pressure.

(16 Posts)
HarmlessChap Wed 27-Apr-16 16:36:34

OK so some may remember that I hit an emotional rock bottom early this year as my wife's lack of affection and intimacy made left me feeling utterly worthless. I know that she doesn't find showing affection easy and it has been a long running difficulty throughout our 20 year marriage. Its a viscous circle the lack of affection makes me upset and quick tempered and my quick temper made her feel less affectionate.

Moving on some months with some talking therapy (for me) and a mutual desire make things work things have improved but its an ongoing process. I'm making an effort not to get angry and she's making an effort to show some affection.

A couple of weeks back we finally DTD for the 1st time in years. Unfortunately I couldn't maintain rigidity (sorry if that's TMI) beyond her orgasm, I felt very upset and utterly emasculated, blamed it on the wine but knew that it wasn't. I have now been prescribed the appropriate ED meds but the trouble is they should be taken an hour before activity and they say to avoid alcohol so bye bye romantic meal with a few glasses of vino as a precursor.

I know I need to talk to her about it but I'm finding it hard to admit to myself let alone DW that I'm not still the virile man she married. I don't want anything to be coercive and since its taken several months for her to find a time when she's happy to sleep I can't see how I can a) raise this without her feeling under pressure to give the meds a trial run and b) deal with the concept that spontaneity has gone out of the window while we get our physical relationship back on track.

ALaughAMinute Wed 27-Apr-16 17:19:06

If your wife wants to make things work she will want to talk to you, surely?

Communication problems can cause no end of problems in a marriage including ED.

Take your wife out on a nice romantic meal somewhere and talk to her.

EmbraceTheSarcasm Wed 27-Apr-16 17:31:30

My suggestion is to enjoy the sex you have.
Presumably even if you didn't climax you did have great feelings and enjoyed the physical intimacy?
Orgasm doesn't have to be a goal.

Yes discuss it with your wife and perhaps she will have suggestions. I'm wondering if she could be the one who decides when you take a tablet (or whatever method you are using)

Summerlovinf Wed 27-Apr-16 17:35:11

It sounds to me like it's not a physical issue. Suggest more counselling to work through your feelings of sex, masculinity, consent etc.

HarmlessChap Fri 29-Apr-16 12:07:46

Hi thanks for the replies.

FWIW, without going into details, while there may well be all sorts of emotional issues going on there is also a defined physical problem too.

I'm still no further along with how I get this into the conversation without it there being implied pressure to test run the meds, I guess its simply a case of picking my moment and doing my best.


cooliebrown Fri 29-Apr-16 14:39:08

ask your GP to privately prescribe Cialis - the drug is effective for 36 hours (longer actually ime) so you don't have the pressure of must DTD straight away. 8 tablets for c£60. I found half a tablet did the trick. If it works for you like it did for me plenty of scope for the spontaneity you require

all medicines say to avoid alcohol, coupla glasses of wine is unlikely to cause any severe reaction (again ime)

Euphemia Fri 29-Apr-16 19:27:38

DH takes Cialis and it's much better than the type you're on, OP. It's not perfect, but allows spontaneity.

Openness and honesty are the best ways forward. Really talk about how you feel, what you want.

hopskip123 Fri 29-Apr-16 20:10:30

Please Google a food extract called citrulline malate (watermelon seed extract) which you can get from peak supps online (6g or one rounded scoop). It's a very commonly used over the counter supplement for sports, which has a mild vasodilatory effect resulting in a more ready and firmer erection (it is not an aphrodisiac and requires the male to feel aroused). The beauty of it is that you take it at the same time every day like any other vitamins (eg after work) and you are then always "ready for action" so to speak, but without the stressor and passion killers of feeling under pressure or having to plan in advance. It works within 20 minutes and lasts up to 24 hours and is very very cheap.

ALaughAMinute Fri 29-Apr-16 20:27:04

OP, you really need to stop beating yourself up about this and talk to your wife. Does she know you've been prescribed the ED meds or did you keep it a secret from her? If she wants to have sex with you she will no doubt be pleased that you have done something about it. Why are you struggling to talk to your wife about this?

HarmlessChap Sat 07-May-16 10:24:15

Well discussions didn't go well. I suspect the ED will be used as justification that our sex life is finished sad She was disinterested in the fact that the ED bothers me and made a negative comment about maintaining interest while waiting around for an hour for the drugs to work.

So there certainly isn't any pressure felt to give the meds a try out and TBH I'm wondering whether the "genuine" desire to make things is really there. Can't say I'm feeling particularly positive about things at the moment.

hopskip123 Sat 07-May-16 11:23:59

Op why havent you tried the non medical route I mentioned above? Where it works its as good as the prescription stuff with none of the drawbacks

HarmlessChap Sat 07-May-16 14:27:07

Sorry I've a bunch of friends who are hippy types and always recommending different supplements and their advice changes all the time so I tend to filter out stuff that's not medically recommended as snake oils but I've searched it now.

It seems, predominantly, to be marketed as a body building supplement with a cardiovascular benefit to aid endurance within a workout and assist muscle recovery so even if it doesn't help the ED it might help me sports wise, so I've ordered some, had to check it wasn't a banned substance though, yet.

However it doesn't alter the overall attitude towards the relationship.

ALaughAMinute Sat 07-May-16 14:40:31

Do you think there's a possibility that the main problem in your marriage is the lack of communication with your wife?

Do you still love each other?

hopskip123 Mon 09-May-16 07:31:05

You are absolutely right, it doesnt, but if it is effective then it may help you to identify and focus on the other issues. If you dont find it effective and you didnt order from Peak Supps then do try them. We have tried other brands and found them very diluted. You will prob want to take it in some sweet squash or juice drink, it should taste extremely sour.

Marilynsbigsister Mon 09-May-16 07:51:39

OP, I may be reading your post wrong but am I to assume that your dw doesn't actually want to have any sexual relationship but has consented recently to basically keep you in the marriage.? But given the option she would rather not bother ?

If that was the case, no wonder you couldn't maintain an erection. That is just too much pressure.
The fact that you can't discuss this as she will see it as an excuse to 'support her view' that your sex life should end, makes me feel that her interest is not in fixing things but in going through the motions.

I am afraid I think the time has come to go your separate ways. Sex is a big deal. I don't know how old you both are, but unless it's early 80's (and Ill health) I think you have a right to expect some form of willing intimacy with your spouse.

Only you can make that decision but the bottom line is this. Can you live the rest of your life being sexually rejected by your wife. Does living with her platonically outweigh your need for physical intimacy. From what you have said, it doesn't sound like she is ever going to be a willing or enthusiastic sexual partner. No matter how many hoops you jump,through. Can you live with that.

HarmlessChap Thu 12-May-16 11:16:31

We have spoken about this and agree that we both still love each other; I have considered leaving, but I do love my wife and don't want to live with out her. She also says that she doesn't want to live without me but equally I find it hard to feel undesired (if that's a word) and for affection (hugs and kisses as well as sex) to be such a one way street.

I also fear how it would affect the children if I left and also would hate for my involvement in their lives to be lessened. Whether its simply doing the school run, going shopping or sporty things I'm there in their lives, and them in mine, every day and that would be painful if it reduced significantly.

She has been very clear throughout the marriage that if I ever cheated there would be no 2nd chance and she would make sure the children didn't want to see me. I haven't had an affair but I think that shows she feels that she would be able to and willing to get the children would cut me off and I'm sure they would blame me if I left. Our youngest will be off to Uni in 5 years, I'll be in my early 50's than, I guess that will be crunch time.

As for the possibility that the ED is from pressure to perform, and so on, there might be an aspect of that but there is also a physical underlying problem which I really could do without having standing in the way of any progress.

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