Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How can I cut toxic "friend" out of my life

(18 Posts)
Gems16 Wed 27-Apr-16 11:39:31

Since I've been with my husband (10 years) I've always got on well with his friends and all their wives. Around 3 years ago 1 of my husbands good friends met a girl. From the day I met her I thought there was something a bit off, I just found her 2 be very fake and couldn't really connect with her although I really tried, when she speaks 2 me she won't make eye contact which I find a bit weird. And its nothing 2 do with confidence because she's very loud and out going. Anyway since she's come on the scene everything is like a competition with her, if we have a child's birthday party she has 2 have a bigger and better 1 or if I do something 2 my house she has 2 do it but only bigger and better. Its really draining I couldn't care less about all these things. She likes 2 act like miss popular which really annoys me she has 2 document her whole life on Facebook you'd think she was the only 1 in the world had children! Sorry I know this sounds like the most petty thing but its really getting 2 me because 2 be totally honest I can't stand her and I have
2 be in her company often because we are all in the same group of friends. She just makes me feel negative when I'm in her company and I can't be bothered with people like that, normally I would just cut her out of my life but I can't cos like I said if I did that I'd have 2 cut out my other good friends too. I don't want 2 confront her about it cos 2 be honest I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing she bothers me. Any suggestions??

Gems16 Wed 27-Apr-16 12:31:35

Can I also add, my husband found out recently that she's been stalking her ex husband using a secret phone. His friend doesn't know anything about it and my husband doest think we should get involved..

coffeeisnectar Wed 27-Apr-16 12:35:02

Either remove her on facebook or unfollow her and then make sure she can't see your posts. (when you post you can CUSTOM post so it says friends except xxxxx)

When out try not to sit near her. If she talks to you, answer briefly. Things like 'that's nice' and then turn away or go to the loo. Just withdraw from her. Don't give her any information about anything. If she asks about holidays or parties just say 'oh I haven't decided yet'. Be vague. And try and sit next to someone who you can be engaged with so that you aren't drawn into a conversation with her.

SuckingEggs Wed 27-Apr-16 12:36:22

Be busy, vague, civil and unfriend on FB (or restrict).

TheBakeryQueen Wed 27-Apr-16 12:45:07

The things you've mentioned are all trivial things though, you can't really confront her on her personality can you? Why are you even noticing her 'bigger' parties anyway?
Facebook is full of annoying smug types- you just unfollow them.
I get that she annoys you and that's understandable but why such a strong reaction do you think?
You sound a bit jealous, are you?

Rainbowqueeen Wed 27-Apr-16 12:47:59

Great advice from coffee

Twowrongsdontmakearight Wed 27-Apr-16 12:55:08

OP doesn't sound jealous to me but the toxic friend does. As PPs have said, unfriend, block and be polite but distant.

Gems16 Wed 27-Apr-16 13:56:39

Bakery, yes I know all these things r trivial I said in my post I know how petty this all sounds, It just gets 2 me because I consider my self a good loyal friend and would do anything 2 help my friends out so I don't understand why someone would have this type of attitude, if anything I think she's jealous of me, i didn't want 2 write that in my original post cos it sounds a bit big headed, I'm the only one out of us all she acts like this with. The reason I notice when she tries 2 outdo us with parties and stuff is because she'll do exactly what we do but add lots of extras then brag about it for about a week afterwards! I think any girl would notice that! Coffee, that was great advice thank u, I'll def take that on board

Summerlovinf Wed 27-Apr-16 16:20:50

If you're the only one who has the problem, perhaps it's at least in part in your imagination. You don't need to be friends with everyone - but you don't need to be threatened because someone throws bigger or better parties than you either. Chill out and hang out with people you get on with.

Arfarfanarf Wed 27-Apr-16 16:23:55

Just don't play. Lead your own life. Have the parties you enjoy and take no interest in hers or in comparing them to yours. Socialise with people you like. If she happens to be there, be polite. Don't try to chat to her. Remove her from your facebook or change your settings so you can't see anything and just don't give her headspace. People are as relevant or irrelevant as you make them, ime.

Gems16 Wed 27-Apr-16 19:48:50

Summer- there's a lot more 2 it than her throwing bigger and better parties that's just 1 example there r loads more I'd be here all day if I was 2 go in 2 it all, basically I just find this girl 2 be so bitchy and I don't like the way I feel when I'm around her. But you're right I think I need 2 chill out a bit, its just I can't c how I'm gonna get away from her as we go 2 all the same social events. We have 1 of our friends hen weekend coming up and I'm dreading it cos of her. I really shouldn't let this person take up so much room in my head

Choceeclair123 Wed 27-Apr-16 21:03:09

OP I think I understand how you feel about this person, I seem to have recently been in a similar situation. It's difficult I think to explain but for some reason you feel something isn't quite right... Without going into lots of detail I have experienced similar and can't figure out why... I tend to keep conversation to absolute minimum and ignore as previously suggested.

spudlike1 Wed 27-Apr-16 21:19:34

Narcissist look it up might help you distance emotionally if you can , but remain civil.

Gems16 Wed 27-Apr-16 21:20:03

Thank u choceeclair, that's exactly how I feel, like somethings just not right but I can't explain it properly in words. Some of the advice on here has actually been very helpful thank u 2 everyone who has commented ☺

Daenerys2 Wed 27-Apr-16 22:02:41

I think you sound jealous.

Gems16 Wed 27-Apr-16 22:17:01

What is it makes u think that??

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 27-Apr-16 22:20:09

I know what you mean. I've had this too. It felt like I was being stalked. A bit Single White Female.

In my case I chatted to my good friends about it in a light, jokey way when it seems she was trying to compete with me. I even got to use the term "Elevenerife" about holidays, which I learned on MN.

She sort of gradually stopped doing it mostly, and when she does do it other friends raise a comical eyebrow at me and sometimes gently tease her, which makes her a lot easier to put up with.

She is part of an important friend group to me so I couldn't easily get rid and I am not the type to Wendy someone.

It was hard to distance myself in the group from her because she seemed to focus on me.

I don't know why she did it and then stopped. One good friend says maybe it was a lady crush that ended when she realised I am as shit as everyone else. Good friend said this while laughing and pointing out my flaws grin over wine

AyeAmarok Wed 27-Apr-16 22:55:38

I think there is a clash of personalities because she wants to be better than you, and you want to be better than her, and you're both feeling threatened by the other.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now