Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Husband left me for younger woman after years of neglecting me and kids(35 Posts)
So, my ex has finally left me for a woman 15 years younger than me - after months and months of me asking him to leave because his drinking / rages when I called him on it were out of control. We have two children, 12 months and 3. He was a great loving partner BC, he had a drinking problem but cut down for a few years BC. When I was pregnant with DS he started going out without me until 5/6/7am - he turned up to birthing classes smelling of booze - said it was the last bit of fun before he became a father. Then when our DS arrived, within 3 weeks he was back out there until the early hours, even though I was sick with mastitis and our baby was sick and not feeding. He was going out all the time, met friends' husbands going to work, when he was coming home at 7am. He got angry with me when I wouldn't go out or tried to stop him, and was going out 4/5 nights a week heavy drinking. He never got up at night with the baby (didn't hear him or not here) and in the mornings he was too tired/hungover. Whenever we had any family time, he seemed to resent it, his anger was always near the surface and went from apologetic to raging in minutes - like Jekylle and Hyde. He had a complete meltdown at one point suffering from anxiety / panic attacks thinking he might harm our DS. He missed work and regularly disappeared all night, until on our DS's second birthday (when i was pregnant with DD) he missed him opening his presents because he came in at 9am, drunk, swung our DS around and lost hold of him smashing his head against a cupboard. I asked him to leave then to sort himself out - he went for about 4 months but i found out he very quickly he'd started seeing someone else - he still kept letting us down - not turning up to see our DS when we had arranged that. When I found out and ended it, he agreed to go to rehab (on my money). All seemed well for a few months, I had my DD, but then a few weeks after I gave birth he was back drinking again. He approached a senior manager for sex when drunk and got fired for sexual harassment but then picked up a new better job within a few months, but the drinking continued, he disappeared for whole weekends, wouldn't help with the children, flew into rages when I called him on his behaviour. He has never got how all of this made me feel. He says he couldnt talk to me and that we led separate lives. The truth is I shut down and withdrew, I couldnt believe the apologies anymore or promises to get better because it never happened. It didnt help that I lost my sex drive after my DS and to be honest the way he was turned me off. I couldnt go from being raged at and sworn at to sleeping with him and there was never enough time between the rages/drinking to put some distance between it. Still though, I feel I was supportive and loving - I just stopped buying the lies. I tolerated it for so long because I wanted us to be a family. Now he tells me he has found 'pure love' and i oppressed him. Part of me thinks that I was too critical of him, but then I was looking after babies on my own with no support and having to step over a comatose body in the mornings... i think he caused the breakdown in what was a good relationship. Now he seems to have got responsible (he left 8 weeks ago) and sobered up for his new relationship (which supports his view that I was to blame) and wants the kids to meet his new girlfriend - I feel in despair - he is creating the family that I tolerated so much for and couldn't get. He cut back on the drinking for me for a few years so he might do the same for her. He says he is finally happy. How do I get over this?
So sorry you're hurting. He's a gobshite. Pure and simple. You're missing what he could have been, not who he is/was.
Carry on protecting your children and distance from him. Only have contact that is essential, ask for him to have supervised (if any) contact and for him to organise and pay for this to evidence commitment to DC's and their safety. He'll fail given the pen picture and you'll be safe in the knowledge you can move on, no matter how hard it is
First of all, get the fucking flags out! You are well out of that shit situation.
Mm, I'm not sure how I'd feel about him wanting the kids to meet his new GF, I think I'd agree, if I was able to meet her first? He's hardly stepped up to the plate and showed you he holds his kids in the highest regard so for that reason alone id be unhappy to allow him to meet the new woman, incase she's a fucking loon aswell.
I've donned hard hat
You sound so amazing, this sounds like such a good thing for you. He sounds like a fucking wanker.
I'm sorry op but if a man has swung my son around and smashed his head into a cupboard that would have been the last time he set foot in my home.
Just step back a bit. Look at the man she has - a cheating scumbag alcoholic. Dear me, it won't be long before he'll be saying she 'oppresses' him - because I can guarantee the same will happen again ie he will go right back to the booze. He is an alcoholic.
So. The point is: why did you put up with that hideous shit? A happy family was never going to happen with someone like this. He's an alcoholic and you'd have more chance of a happy family with a paper bag. It has been blatantly obvious for a long time he is a dud while he's in the booze.
It is also classic for abusers to blame everyone but themselves. Poor them, it's everyone else's fault. Boo hoo.
Get along to al-anon as soon as. Also have a look at Coda somewhere along the line (al-anon will point you towards Coda anyway).
You and the kids are oceans better off without this waste of space. I hope it isn't long before you see that xx
I meant to say it's classic for alcoholics to blame everyone but themselves! But he is also emotionally abusing you by crowing about his
piece of skirt new relationship and blaming you. What. A. Shit.
You are SO well rid.
Tie a lovely red bow around him and send him off to her - the only wonder is that you didn't get rid of him before
Read your post back to yourself, your answer is there.
Horrid man, horrid relationship & you are so well rid of him.
Oh sweetie, this sobriety won't last long without serious treatment, he will muck around, there's no doubt.
This is probably a lucky escape, you just don't know it yet xxx
You have been handed a gift on a gilded plate! In a few months (once the honeymoon phase has worn off) he will start to realise that he cannot run away from his problems; that no-one else is the solution or the "saving grace" apart from himself. No matter how young, beautiful, tolerant, reassuring, flexible, enabling or wealthy his girlfriends are, it will all go the same way. Everywhere he goes - there he is.
Unfortunately you've enabled him for too long for either you or he to be able to see that the problem is him. Maybe the new girlfriend will enable him for a while... but always... always, he will come out alone in the wash again.
Anyone who has problems - when their partner stops enabling them - will move on. But they find, down the line, that they have the same shit in their lives but a just with a different person.
As for introducing the children - I can see why you'd be worried about that for their sakes. If it's a safety concern you should definitely take action, but if it's purely that you're jealous of the family unit (snigger!) he is attempting to set up - trust me - it won't last.
Er, sorry, but I do not get why you are sad. You should be cracking open the champagne and toasting his new GF for taking him off your hands. I would send her a Good Luck card because she's going to need, but hey ho, that;s not your problem anymore, it's hers.
Honestly OP, instead of looking at this as a negative, see it as the Godsend that it is.
He is not going to now be the perfect partner and father with a new girlfriend, its an act. Once he feels more secure in his new relationship he'll treat her exactly like he treated you.
In the meantime you can move on, sort out your self esteem which must be destroyed after years of his abuse and maybe one day find a wonderful partner who treats you far far better.
Im sorrybut your ex is an utter cunt and it may take a long time for you to agree but you and your babies are much better off rid.
Contact with the children is a much bigger problem, obviously introducing a new gf so fast is stupidly irresponsible and Im not sure he should even have unsupervised contact.
Could his access be restricted to 2/3 hours, in the afternoon so he isnt hungover or drunk, and with his family present?
I'd push for supervised contact in a contact centre iiwy. You have plenty of examples of his irresponsibility.
As I see it, the only thing you have to "get over" is why you chose to have a 2nd dc with this emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic and why you didn't kick him out when he harmed your dc.
Whose word have you got for him having become "responsible" and having "sobered up" because he's "finally happy" now he's away from you, the heartless woman he blames for all of his ills? If it's his, I don't know how you resisted the temptation to burst out laughing because this man will never truly be sober and I'd put money on him drinking on the sly - vodka is the tipple of choice for alcoholics who want to give the impression that they're dry as it leaves no discernible odour on the breath.
He'll never be able to create, or be part of, the type of family you yearn for and it's merely a matter of time before he goes on another all-nighter for which he'll blame the ow, or you for guilt-tripping him over some imaginary slight or other.
Does he drive? If so, FGS don't ever let your dc travel with him as passengers in vehicle where he's got control of the steering wheel, even if it's a ride-on lawnmower or a bumper car at a funfair.
My god, you had a lucky escape OP, not just for you but your children too, he sounds horrific, you really don't need someone like that in your life, it might sound harsh but he's not their father in the true sense of the word, a real father would never do that to their children, I also agree with the others that he'll be Mr perfect with the new GF, give it a few months and he'll let his guard down with her. Go and give your children a big hug and thank your lucky stars that they won't ever have to experience his vile abuse any more.. you all deserve so much better.
YY to what PPs have said. Hes yet another abuser who has shown his true colours once his partner became pregnant.
Don't be sad or scared. You've been doing this all by yourself anyway. He was never a parent or a supportive partner. You were the glue that kept your DC going.
Now it should be easier, think of the stress you can let go...not wondering where he is, is he passed out in a lane, will he keep a job or make any more drunken passes...you've lost a huge dead weight.
Relax and breathe...
I agree with all the others...regarding seeing the kids - contact centre only for me. I'd be worried he could maintain sobriety around my kids (he might be lying about his sober status to you and her) and they could be in danger.
And don't worry about his new found lady love, if I found out I had a boyfriend who could only visit his kids at a contact centre I'd be running for the hills....or asking some very uncomfortable questions.
You are WELL rid of this joker.
He won't stay sober and FGS do NOT take him back, when she dumps him, which she most definitely will.
Do not allow access to your children....remember the smashed head on the cupboard doors.....that's why they don't get to stay at Dad's or meet the new GF.
I cannot believe you had another child with this twat, or that you have any sadness at him leaving. I'd be getting the bunting out and popping the champagne. Then sitting back to watch him fuck his life up all over again.
Please, you were not too critical, in fact you were not critical enough, it sounds horrendous what he put you through. Just remember to never allow another human being to treat you so badly, learn that if anything. As for him, he's a lost cause, surprised he even knows what love means, he's an utter waste of space.
Breathe a sigh of relief. His needs are NO LONGER YOUR PROBLEM. She's got the shitty stick now - her problem.
But he needs to be a Dad to his kids in a decent capacity. Sounds like he has been absolutely rubbish so far.
Never mind listening to him talk about his "true love" and being "oppressed". What a KNOBBER.
Sounds like he never once considered any of your needs or feelings.
What must be discussed is finances and visitation to the children.
It all seems awful right now, and maybe you think you cannot come out of the other side.
But you CAN and you WILL. Do it for yourself and your kids. I reckon you are a great Mum and you will now be able to breathe and fully concentrate on raising your children.
No more treading on eggshells, or wasting headspace wondering where HE is or if he is coming home, what sort of mood he will be in. What a horrid situation you have all endured. I'm so sorry and know things will begin to brighten for you.
If you can't celebrate for yourself then do celebrate for your children. In fact, leap with joy on behalf of your children. Having a father like him and the relationship you had is extremely damaging for kids growing up in it. They have no choice and it can be decimating (usually is).
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your amazing messages. This is much better than I got in therapy and my friends said pretty much the same but I thought maybe they were just backing me up. I know deep down that he will hit the rocks with new gf but still hurts that they want to have family i couldn't have even if it won't last. I stayed with him because i so desperately wanted him to change, he was sooo persuasive and I wanted a sibling for ds (I am 37 so probably selfishly thought this is my last chance). I go between wanted to crack open the champagne to thinking I am a single mother, my children don't have a proper family and we don't deserve this. But I guess you don't choose what life throws at you and make the best of it. Thank you thank you thank you for responding, I feel so much better. I'm taking the advice about a contact centre!!
aw great update!
Girl, you won't know yourself once the shock wears off. You've been a single parent all this time - but with one foot nailed to the floor.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.