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Being dragged into the middle of colleagues relationship with his DW.

(28 Posts)
Becky546 Tue 26-Apr-16 21:08:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Becky546 Tue 26-Apr-16 21:10:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Uncoping Tue 26-Apr-16 21:12:17

What an awful situation to be in!

I don't have any helpful advice, I also feel sorry from her reading your post as its obvious she's just hurt and insecure from her "D"H's infidelity.

Whose relationship means more to you? Your colleagues or his wife's? I would image the colleague, yes he may be a cheat but that doesn't affect your friendship with him

Maybe you could text her or something and just say as much as you'd love to be a lookout you're not really comfortable keeping an eye on anyone as you're busy at work & don't have the time!

The other way (the one I would do as I'm a non-confrontational people pleasing wimp) is to just keep shrugging what she says off, every time she asks about something tell her you were far too busy to notice!

Hassled Tue 26-Apr-16 21:15:33

Blimey, what a nightmare. Part of me just thinks tell her what she needs to know - yes, he did have a drink with Mabel Friday lunchtime/ no, you're not sure who he was talking to on Thursday. Why should you lie if asked a direct question? You clearly like him, but he does sound like a tosser. As long as you're honest and factually correct, he's not really in a position to complain, is he?

Becky546 Tue 26-Apr-16 21:16:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Becky546 Tue 26-Apr-16 21:23:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisismyfirsttime Tue 26-Apr-16 22:25:06

Did he encourage this relationship with the dw? Does he know you know about the other office liaison? If yes to both I'd think he's using you because he's getting shit at home and thinks you'll tell her it's all ok because of your position. Either way I'd distance myself from her if I were you because no matter what you do this could potentially end badly for you. Be friendly but 'busy' and hope she gets the hint. (Same with him I think, friendly distance with all parties seems like the road to least grief for you!)

Cabrinha Tue 26-Apr-16 22:30:31

Poor woman.
Distance yourself.
Tell her upfront that you can't be in this position - not least because you know that you will be lying to her at least by omission - he'll keep cheating and you'll know with whom and you'll know not to mention that name and next thing you know you'll feel that you're covering for him.

Becky546 Wed 27-Apr-16 00:28:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Wed 27-Apr-16 07:15:24

I think you should pull right back from your "friendship" with both of them

You know far too much about their relationship and you are already covering up for a cheat

From the outside, I wonder if you are rather enjoying knowing stuff about a slightly senior colleague and having his ear

I don't know anything about the marriages and the sex lives of my colleagues and that's just how it should be. Keep your head down, cool your relationship with the office cheat and stay out of other people's marriages. It's not professional behaviour.

hesterton Wed 27-Apr-16 07:20:57

I would gently say to her every time, 'You need to ask him that, not me. I'm sorry.'

It is a very unfair position to be put in.

TheNaze73 Wed 27-Apr-16 07:21:33

Don't let someone else make their problem, your problem. I think she's being hugely unfair on you & needs to stop barking & start biting. She's not obliged to be with him, she's choosing to. I could never forgive a cheat & it sounds like she's not dealt with it either

Baconyum Wed 27-Apr-16 07:24:55

I'd wanna bang their heads together!

They're both using you and not sorting their marriage which is not your bloody problem!

I'd withdraw too but I'd be telling em both why! He's a cheat that'll never change and she needs to decide either she'll tolerate it or leave him!

Lighteningirll Wed 27-Apr-16 07:32:05

Like AnyFucker says withdraw from both of them it will end badly you are getting involved in the slow implosion of a senior colleagues marriage, unless you are enjoying the drama I cannot see any reason to be 'close' to an unhappily married senior colleague and you definitely dont need to be 'friends' with said colleagues very unhappy wife

UpsiLondoes Wed 27-Apr-16 07:42:50

Agree with Bacon- she's not so lovely and a friend to you at all, is she? She's targeted you and is manipulating you to get information. She's not interested in a friendship with you in the least.

Stop taking her calls and emails. She'll ask through her husband or your other colleague what she did to offend you - you can say youre fed up with her trying to get you to spy on her husband. This is a professional workplace and you're not a teenager.

OnTheRise Wed 27-Apr-16 07:44:57

I'd be straight with her. Tell her that I was pleased to be her friend, but that I couldn't reasonably be expected to spy on a colleague like that. And that while I'd happily continue to be her friend, she had to stop asking me for information. And the next time she did I'd tell her, "You must stop asking me things like that." And if she asked again I'd leave--hang up the phone, leave the room, etc.

If you don't nip this in the bud and soon it could explode all over you.

CalonGoch Wed 27-Apr-16 08:09:27

Another of our colleagues who she is friends with will be leaving later this year so in retrospect she may be trying to be friends with me because she will be without a friend in the office

Do you feel you've got a genuine friendship 'outside' the fact that you're a useful pair of eyes in her DH's office? TBH I think I'd be feeling rather used, and cooling it off on that basis alone. It's really not up to you to maintain the status quo in their marriage, and as others have said, this could potentially end up damaging your work situation, particularly if office gossip starts dragging you into this mess.

And are you Becky with the Good Hair?

barcelosthehappychicken Wed 27-Apr-16 08:13:20

It doesn't feel like a genuine relationship. She's desperate to keep a window open on his world due to the insecurity he's created in their lives. You are a pawn in that.

I'd distance myself from the pair of them.

Because for me if have very little respect for the work colleague anyway. I'd just keep it professional.

Becky546 Wed 27-Apr-16 19:37:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Summerlovinf Wed 27-Apr-16 20:00:50

Back off from them both. Your colleague sounds like a creep and not friend material at all. His wife is desperate and will only drag you into more and more awkward positions. Quit the drama - don't engage.

Baconyum Wed 27-Apr-16 20:40:44

His cheating being an 'open secret' is deeply unprofessional too!

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Thu 28-Apr-16 09:05:00

I'd be polishing your CV and maybe talking to the senior partner. This couple sound like a ticking bomb.

AddToBasket Thu 28-Apr-16 20:09:29

I'd be cooling the relationship with the wife. Do whatever you can to extract yourself.

Good relationships with colleagues are even more important than good relationships with neighbours.

pocketsaviour Thu 28-Apr-16 20:21:50

The phrase "Not my circus, not my monkeys" will be your friend here.

I would try to disengage in a gentle, non-committal way that won't put your career at risk.

paddypants13 Thu 28-Apr-16 22:37:34

Distance yourself from both of them.

My boss at my last place of work had two workplace affairs. His wife left him after the first one but they reconciled.

He started another affair with a woman in our department. It all kicked off at the Christmas do and someone from our office rang his wife and told her about the affair. Despite the fact that I didn't attend the party (was pg and spent most afternoons and evenings with my head down a loo- cheers DS) and only knew his wife to say hello to (lived in same area). I was given a bollocking for telling his wife about the affair on the following Monday, threatened with HR and the police. To add insult to injury the OW stopped speaking to me like a teenager. (The bloody cheek of her.)

I ended up resigning after my maternity leave because I couldn't face going back to all the unpleasantness.

I wish I was the one who told his bloody wife.

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