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Living with OCPD husband -advice needed

(7 Posts)
MirtaGoesNorth Tue 26-Apr-16 20:56:34

I've made a few rotten choices in life. I moved abroad for my first husband. He turned out to be a much less pleasant man after we married and had kids, was very self centred and controlling. We have two kids age 9 and 7. After a few dreadfully difficult years we now co- parent quite well. It took me a while to build up my life again. I don't live in my own country, had no friend or family for help, and had only temporary jobs. I guess I was quite vulnerable and lonely, and got together with someone else who was really not 100% OK. He was sweet and ever so helpful, but had some very odd sides to his character. I thought we'd try our best and make it work out. He got along brilliantly with my kids. We now have a 1yo daughter. The relationship has become dreadful. He's been saying all sorts of ugly things for months (that I am lazy, argumentative, (I'm Italian, not argumentative !! :-) ) that my job is useless, that I have no idea of what life is, that I am superificial, mad, sick, you name it, pretty much everything). I find the accusations unfair. I worked full time, cooked, went to the shops, took care of the kids, paid all the bills and organised all the holidays. He helped a lot, but I was on my feet between 6am and 10 pm too! After months of this treatment and seeing my second relationship come crashing down around me I ended up at home with a depression for two months (which he finds lazy, and he wonders what I do all day). I now go back to a therapist I once went to and have started working again part time, and do nearly all of the household tasks. I've talked to 3 specialists to get different opinions, and they think he has obsessive compulsive personality disorder. He refuses to admit there might be anything wrong and insists I am mad and need help. I own my own house, have a decent job, don't need him financially, he only contributes to cover his share of our common costs. Should I leave him? My oldest kids would go thorough a second upheaval, my youngest is so small, and the law here says that divorced parents both get the kids 50% of the time.... Seeing as he is quite obsessive about working in his spare time (he renovates his own 3 houses at the weekends) I could perhaps convince him to spend even more of his spare time out of the house? Other women have managed this, in the times when divorce was 'not done', they encouraged their husbands to spend time away... Is it feasible?
(And yes, my parents had an awful relationship and yes I am repeating it over and over :-( )

NotQuiteJustYet Tue 26-Apr-16 22:45:46

Mirta Get rid of this horrid, negative force in your life! You're right, you don't need him. By the sounds of it all he does is pick faults with you and you deserve more than that, that's not how a relationship should be.

Don't bother encouraging him to spend more time out of the house, encourage him to spend all of his time out of the house. I'd pack his things for him.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 26-Apr-16 23:19:09

I own my own house, have a decent job, don't need him financially, he only contributes to cover his share of our common costs. Should I leave him?

Without knowing what country you live in it's not possible to advise on the legal /implications/ramifications of ending your current relationship, but on no account should you leave him in your property while you live elsewhere.

Tell the cocklodging toad to live in one of his properties as you've had more than enough of him sucking the joy out of your life and stop using your parents' relationship as reason or excuse to repeat their mistake(s) as your errors will inevitably adversely affect your dc.

MirtaGoesNorth Fri 29-Apr-16 13:08:37

Thanks to both of you for your very clear advice. It does help :-)

TiverMeShimbers Fri 29-Apr-16 13:52:41

OCPD or not, he sounds horrible.

I work with someone who I suspect has this condition and his nitpicking attention to detail, self righteousness, rigidness, stubbornness and inability to see any other point of view than his own is extremely wearing & difficult to interact with. And I don't have to live with him!

Are you married to him?

TiverMeShimbers Fri 29-Apr-16 13:55:09

Sorry I see in your title that he is your husband.

Sounds like you need see a lawyer.

Rosenwyn1985 Fri 29-Apr-16 15:44:12

Is it possible you live separate lives in different houses but don't divorce? I would usually say just get rid but if you don't think he'd manage to look after the children alone his 50% and/or you can't stand to be without them, is this an option? Without knowing your country it's hard to know the best thing.

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