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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I think I've upset DH.

33 replies

validusername · 26/04/2016 18:45

So today I've tried to have an adult discussion with DH about our sex life. I was trying to tell him I hadn't been feeling very desired and it was making me lose confidence. But I really enjoy sex with him and I wanted us to be able to discuss our feelings and hopefully get back on the right track.

Well he has gone mad. Called me a selfish bitch and a cunt in front of my children and has stormed out with some clothes and threatened to stay out for the night.

I suppose he may have taken it as a criticism of him when that's really wasn't what I was trying to say. I'm just not sure how to put it right again now, now it's been said I can in say it if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Report

Seeyounearertime · 26/04/2016 18:47

Called me a selfish bitch and a cunt in front of my children

Sound like you should be celebrating.

validusername · 26/04/2016 18:48

Yeah I know, and believe me I won't be letting that one go. But he's usually so calm, I must have hit a nerve or something.

OP posts:

Uncoping · 26/04/2016 18:49

Agree with above.

Don't make it right, turn your back and run like fuck.

PotteringAlong · 26/04/2016 18:51

He was completely in the wrong to do that. But how on earth were you expecting to have an adult and detailed conversation about your sex life at 6.30pm with your children around?!

validusername · 26/04/2016 18:54

He had been texting me whilst we were both at work asking why I had been a little cold with him the last few days.

The texts got a little heated, I stopped to get some bits for dinner so when I got in the door at 6ish he Srinagar away ripped into me, I walked upstairs away from him and he shouted up to me that "even when it's not totm you are still a cunt". Then he walked out.

OP posts:

validusername · 26/04/2016 18:55

I was prepared to just leave it where the texts had ended and then continue discussing this evening when dc were asleep but I didn't get a chance to say that.

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 26/04/2016 18:55

Here's what I think, it may be right or wrong but:

He's a man, you've dented his ego, his over inflated ego.
He's like a balloon that you've pricked and it is releasing. He's run away and gone "wahhhhhhh"

Thing is, do you want to be with a child who can't have a proper conversation about adult matters or do you want to be with a grown up?
You have done NOTHING wrong, he's stormed off with his tiny penis drooping between his saggy arse. He's expecting you to apologise and beg and text or call saying,
"There there, I didn't mean it, your an excellent lover really"
It's up to you if you want to pander and continue or stay strong, know you're in the right and wait for his apology, even if it doesn't come.

But that's what I think from the limited information available and of my experience with men.

Falling270 · 26/04/2016 18:57

So you told him you didn't feel desired over texts? Probably not the most sensible way to approach a sensitive subject. How big are the problems with your sex life? Can you be more explicit about what "not feeling desired" means- is it that he doesn't initiate enough or is it the way he treats you in bed? The fact there was enough of an issue for you to raise it and then his reaction makes me think there's more to this that he isn't sharing with you.

WaspsandBeesSting · 26/04/2016 19:00

So you told him you didn't feel desired over texts? Probably not the most sensible way to approach a sensitive subject.

I agree.

If I had been told over text I would be incredibly hurt that you hadn't at least told me to my face.

validusername · 26/04/2016 19:03

Well he wouldn't stop pestering me asking why I haven't been myself so I just told him to shut him up really. I wish I waited til this evening but I would have got the same reaction anyway.

Of course I have bruised his ego, and he is having a hissy fit about it. I'm writing this now getting loads of texts saying how nasty I am, not that I'm paying any attention to them.

Our sex life is okay, he isn't the best of lovers if I am honest but I do enjoy the sex we have even if it is a bit predictable but to be expected after 10 years? He just doesn't seem that interested in me that's all. I know he loves me that's one thing I do know, he just doesn't want sex with me.

OP posts:

outymcoutymyself · 26/04/2016 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

validusername · 26/04/2016 19:06

Yeah I wish I hadn't now. Totally regret that as I should know it never ends well.

OP posts:

Cloudstasteofmash · 26/04/2016 19:08

That exchange in your home in front of your kids is disgusting.

Do you usually speak to each other like this?

Fairylea · 26/04/2016 19:09

Someone who calls you a cunt or whatever in front of the children is disgusting and abusive. Absolutely no excuse for that.

validusername · 26/04/2016 19:11

No I wasn't expecting him to come out with that at all, it isn't our usual way of communicating at all. We usually have a very open and honest marriage and can talk about anything. Just not sex so it seems.

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 26/04/2016 19:12

Are they his kids too?

The language was unacceptable. Starting this conversation via text was inadvisable. Your sex life sounds unbearable, to be honest. I'm not really sure what's in this for you.

validusername · 26/04/2016 19:14

Yes they are his dc too. They are 6 and 4

He can't really do face to face discussions, he will only talk through stuff with me over text or things get out of hand and he ends up calling me a cunt!

OP posts:

Ijustwannabreakfree · 26/04/2016 19:41

I think OP has realised discussing via text wasn't the best idea, I think what she really needs to hear is that this is NOT her fault, she certainly did not deserve to be spoken to like that, especially in front of the children!
OP the way he spoke to you is disgusting, degrading and completely unacceptable. Doing this in front of your DC is emotional abuse, does this kind of thing happen often? You say he is not a face to face talker and he usually ends up calling you a cunt?

Cloudstasteofmash · 26/04/2016 19:42

I'd actually take his vile out burst as a starting point on what to discuss first. The sex issue is actually secondary here.

I'd honestly reall have to think hard about raising my kids around a man that could speak like that in front of my kids. For me it's a huge issue. I bet your children were confused and worried and that's not on. He sounds like he was bombarding you with hate messages afterwards do is not even repentant.

Maybe he has no respect for you, that's why he paws you and you can feel that. It would certainly account for him speaking to you like that - bit it also shows he has no respect for his kids either.

Gazelda · 26/04/2016 19:50

Your thread title is the understatement of the year!

In answer to your question, I think you have to text him to say that you're happy to have a calm conversation once he's apologised for his outburst and when the children aren't at home.

as much as the sex issue, and the disrespectful language to you, I think you both need to discuss how you communicate with each other - text and shouting won't resolve any discussion, let alone a conversation about important areas within your marriage.

FWIW, I'd be considering whether or not I could continue being married to someone who spoke to me like this. But everyone's relationships are different and have differing 'red lines'.

validusername · 26/04/2016 20:12

Oh believe me I've been called worse, but I don't pay any attention to it. I'm not arsed what he says to me, it's the fact he said it in front of my school that I worry about. You're of course right in that he doesn't respect me, and I know that sadly.

I've left him to it and am being bombarded with texts about how horrible I am but he will calm down and stop eventually.

OP posts:

Cloudstasteofmash · 26/04/2016 20:14

valid you sound resigned to the fact he behaves like this. I've been in a relationship like this. It grinds you down. It's not healthy for your kids love.

Why do you stay?

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validusername · 26/04/2016 20:18

Bloody autocorrect, school was supposed to be dc!

I suppose I'm just used to this behaviour. He took some clothes with him and a phone charger . It's just what he is like. I've just ignored all the bullshit and put my children to bed instead.

OP posts:

Hassled · 26/04/2016 20:20

This really is no way to live. He makes you feel undesired, when you attempt to discuss it he strops off with a load of insults and then keeps texting more. You've touched a nerve, certainly, but this isn't a reasonable or acceptable response.

HoppingForward · 26/04/2016 21:07

Lock the doors on him and don't let him back in. It's no way for you or your DC to be living.

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