I'm about to start divorce proceedings, after exH left about 15 months ago. I'm worried that it will open a whole can of worms regarding child contact.
He was emotionally abusive for years, and a generally crap and incompetent shouty dad, who nevertheless had some wonderful Disney dad moments which my boys remember with fondness. He hit me in front of the boys, so I called the police. He hasn't been back since (obviously! )
I was keen for him to maintain some relationship with the children, so pushed for him to use a contact centre. There is no way I want him having unsupervised contact - he just wouldn't cope with them both, I don't trust him an inch, and he is incapable of managing ds1's life threatening medical needs.
He saw them at a local contact centre a few times, then breached the non molestation order, so wasn't allowed to use that contact centre any more (naccc national policy). I found a different contact centre, run by a group of churches, and took the boys every fortnight to see him there - this was a six hour round trip involving four buses and quite a lot of walking.
The boys enjoyed seeing him, but were very tired and emotional afterwards. Ds1 started being generally clingy and upset, having nightmares, tantrums and refusing to be apart from me at all (he is seven).
ExH started using the contact centre to harass and annoy me. I felt unsafe, especially as it seemed the staff were completely convinced by his Disney dad routine. One day he called them and threatened suicide, so that the police spent all day with me and the boys while they looked for him. It was very distressing for the children. After that, I stopped contact altogether, which was a tough decision but I am trying to protect the boys!
ExH is refusing to go on a domestic violence course, or to take me to family court for a child arrangement order. Either of those things would trigger a cafcass report, so I would know if it was safe for him to see the boys. He makes all sorts of silly excuses. Instead, he has been plastering links to sites about parental alienation all over Facebook.
I'm terrified that divorcing him will provoke something nasty happening - and even more terrified that he will have unsupervised contact with the boys. I honestly do fear for their safety. Will a judge believe me? I hear so many terrible stories about violent and abusive men having whole weekends unsupervised with their children. ..
Does anyone have any experience of this kind of thing? I'm sorry my post is so rambly and incoherent. ... 
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
DV - will the family court see my concerns about contact as parental alienation?
worriedaboutmyboys · 26/04/2016 16:22
Oh dear, alphacourse - that's exactly what I didn't want to hear! I'm so sorry that has happened to you and your children. How are they coping?
pocketsaviour I agree entirely about standing up to exH's bullying behaviour. I owe it to the children to let them see me do this. In the beginning, I was keen for him to maintain some relationship with them because I believed the mantra about contact with both parents always being good. However, I've been questioning that for a long time now... They were so confused after they had seen him, and I suspect that he told them all sorts of rubbish. I don't think he is capable of being a positive influence in their lives, and honestly think they would be better off without the confusion and upset of seeing him.
I don't want to give him the opportunity to emotionally abuse them, or to put their physical safety at risk. I tell them he still loves them, but that I don't know where he is at the moment (this is true, I have no idea where he is living). We talk about happy memories as well as sad ones, and say that it's okay for us all to love him still, but I have explained very clearly that all the shouting, being unkind and hitting people that he did was wrong, and it won't be safe for him ever to live with us again.
Olivia I know what you man about rocking the boat. It’s the reason I have put off divorcing him for so long. However, I’ve got to bit the bullet sooner or later, if only because I need a financial settlement (my money situation is not good). He is paying the minimum of child maintenance through CMO.
There are records of him breaching the non-molestation order by ringing me loads of times. I kept on reporting him to the police for that. When he staged an ‘accidental’ meeting on the street with the children present, and hung around with us for ages (with sad puppy-dog eyes and stories about missing us), he was arrested and charged. He got a month’s community sentence for that, and I know he was very angry about it. Still, none of the breaches were actually violent, so I am worried that the ‘wrong’ judge might think he doesn’t pose a threat to the children.
Thank you all so much for responding. I suppose I ought to have more faith in the court system (I have read Sturge and Glaiser and Practice Directions 12J) but I do worry when I hear stories like yours, alphacourse
Oh alpha I'm so sorry to hear that. .. It's so utterly rubbish that children have to pay for the failings in the system It must be so hard for you to deal with this. Even when we do the best we can I think that, when we have been through domestic abuse, it inevitably affects our mothering to some extent. Trying to be a "twice as good" mother, in order to counteract the damage inflicted by a violent father is very tough, and you have my respect! ! 
bizzy bee I have called a good solicitor, who has experience in domestic violence cases. She was great on the phone. .. I'm filling in forms for legal help.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.