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Pregnant again but dh is so different this time

(23 Posts)
Louisa111 Tue 26-Apr-16 09:25:09

I've only recently found out I am pregnant again. It came as a surprise but a nice one as it took so long to fall for our first. I honestly thought i wouldn't fall again being nearly 40. I'm not going to lie, we have been on a rocky road since dd was 6 months old ( suspected affair with work colleague but no proof) but things recently have been ok between us.

Dh was as shocked as me but seemed fairly happy but this time he is so different. With our first he couldn't stop telling people he was so so excited, this time he's mentioned it to no-one ( except our parents of course) and made it clear nothing on Facebook yet ( which I wouldn't anyway) and just seems to show no interest. I feel pretty horrendous most days but not making a deal of it , still carrying on working, looking after dd and everything else I do but sometimes it would be nice if he asked me how I was. Last time he was so over- bearing it drove me mad but it was also nice in a weird way because it meant he cared.

So now with hormones raging I'm feeling all the old insecurities coming back... Is he worried about 'her' finding out, I really do notice how different he is with me compared to our first... Is this normal with men??

The thing that's really upset me is he made a flying comment the other day that if the worst was to happen ( I'm not 3 months yet) he'd be disappointed but not really upset!! Why would you say that???

Louisa111 Tue 26-Apr-16 20:40:10

Anyone??? X

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 26-Apr-16 20:47:25

Is there a chance that the affair is ongoing?

To be honest, it doesn't sound like your relationship is stable enough for a pregnancy. You're ticking along okay but, as evidenced by his behaviour, he doesn't care for you. He doesn't seem to be overly interested in your pregnancy. Is he interested in his daughter? Or has he totally checked out now?

I would be talking to him about the plan for the future now. It could be a coincidence and that he's just taking his time to get his head around this, but it could also be that he is still having an affair and has fed her the "my wife doesn't understand me, we don't have sex" line, and he doesn't want her to find out because it'll prove that he's a liar. It happens more than you'd think... Combined with his comment that he wouldn't be upset if the worst happened, I'd be worried that he's hoping it does.

Speak to him. Ask him if he wants to be in your marriage anymore. If he doesn't, make plans to go it alone. You'll be happier than living like this, there's nothing more horrendous than living with someone and being acutely aware that they don't care. If he does, find a way to start making amends before the second baby is due. That may well mean no contact with affair colleague...

Melbournemel Tue 26-Apr-16 22:22:59

What a fucking awful thing for him to say shock How has he been apart from the pregnancy? Has he checked out completely? What made you suspect an affair in the first place?

Bee182814 Wed 27-Apr-16 09:07:12

I'm 23 weeks pregnant with my second DC. My oldest is nearly 2. Both our pregnancies were unplanned (with DC1 we had only been together 10 months and didn't even live together!) My OH was distinctly more involved and generally happier with 1st pregnancy. I've suffered terrible morning sickness with this 2nd pregnancy and he's ignored it completely just carried on looking after himself while he cracks on with his own life leaving me to do all my usual things. Watches me struggle carrying heavy objects etc so in short I can relate to what you're going through and it's a horrible feeling. The wider family (his parents and siblings and mine) have much the same attitude as well actually this time around so I have started to feel that maybe I am being a bit sensitive and perhaps this is just how it is with the second one. It's a very lonely place to be in though and I'm sorry it's happening to you too. Have you tried asking your DH why he is saying these things? I've not been brave enough to ask my OH why he is behaving this way yet xxx

Joysmum Wed 27-Apr-16 09:34:19

Sounds to me like the unplanned pregnancy isn't welcomed by him by he's trying not to pressure you to his view and instead trying to come around to the idea as this will take time.

You need to talk to him about it though as I went through similar (without that disgusting comment if his) but my DH was distant for another reason.

My DD was planned but I fell pregnant the first month and it was a shock to both of us. DH was distant and was was going out of my mind but didn't talk to him, in the end I broke down and lost my temper. It turned out he was scared and didn't think he'd be a good dad (same as I was feeling). Once we'd talked we pulled together and all was well.

You need to talk.

0palfruit Wed 27-Apr-16 09:35:32

How awful for you to have to hear his insensitive comments! I can't give any advice as my OH was not great during my second preg and we'd planned it! He was unsupportive and seemingly uncaring about me. It hurt like hell and ended up very depressed.

Big hugs. Please do not let him get to you. If he is seeing someone else you may not think it but you are better without him. Xxxx

Louisa111 Wed 27-Apr-16 15:47:16

Hi all, thanx for your replies.

Not sure if affair is still ongoing, I never had any proof of one but without going into things a lot of things just didn't add up. I'm lead to believe they are just good work friends but I suspected more. He is very tired from working long hours but the way he acts is like he has emotionally checked out of our relationship but on the other hand he's exhausted so it's hard to know.

I just notice how different he is this time and it's got me paranoid again. Even before I was pregnant I was noticing he never ever asks about my day or if I'm ok and he always used to. It's so frustrating!!

I mentioned to him last night about his lack of care towards this pregnancy and he says he does but I'm coping so well he keeps forgetting i am. But I coped well last time but he was so protective it drove me crazy but this time it would be nice to see again even if it's just for an hour.

I agree it's not an ideal
Situation to get pregnant again but what's to be will be. I do most of bringing our dd up, housework and i work too so i know I'd cope on my own... I just wish I knew if he was cheating or not. I can't wait til we can officially announce it tbh because if he is he has dug himself a hole. Xx

TheNaze73 Wed 27-Apr-16 20:23:11

There's no excuse for his despicable comment however, I think your true answer lies within.
I don't necessarily think it's automatically an affair, some men just aren't maternal. If his head is in that space & he doesn't want another child, I think firstly, he should have faced up to his contraceptive responsibilities however, I can't see a happy ending here for you. Hope it sorts itself out & he comes around

Dellarobia Wed 27-Apr-16 20:32:55

I think it's normal to be less excited second time around and I definitely noticed this with my DH.

The comment about not being upset if you lost the baby is horrible though.

AnyFucker Wed 27-Apr-16 20:39:50

Let me summarise this:

You suspect he has had an affair with a work colleague he still works with and still has contact with

He makes stupid comments about how he might feel if you miscarried

You do all the shitwork and childcare despite working yourself

He is reluctant to make your pregnancy public

He makes you feel unhappy by how he treats you

He has done fuck all to make you feel secure and seems intent on making it worse

Remind us why you are still with this Prince Among Men ?

Christinayangstwistedsista Wed 27-Apr-16 20:52:36

What a charmer! Sounds to me as if he was half way out the door and now feels trapped

Louisa111 Thu 28-Apr-16 15:32:18

So what should I do... Wait until the scan and see if he shows a bit more interest??
I had problems falling for dd1 so never went back on the pill, we decided if it happened it happened but only recently he kept saying one child was enough which is a strange comment to make as it's me that does it all x

CoconutShampoo Thu 28-Apr-16 15:51:20

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It sounds as if you'd be better off without him,, whether or not there's an ow.

BolshierAryaStark Thu 28-Apr-16 16:28:02

What do you do? You have a good hard look at the prize which is your husband-do you honestly want to spend the rest of your days wondering if he's cheating & loves you & his family?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 28-Apr-16 17:23:18

A decent partner normally tries his best to do his bit however tired from work he is. He doesn't sound a very hands on dad.

You mention how tired he is, from working so hard. Irregular hours don't necessarily mean he is at work. Even practised liars can find it hard to lie to your face so either keep their distance, find things to be absorbed in or are unable to look you in the eye. They use tactics like rubbing their eyes, and, since you mention how drained he is, yawning.

I hope I'm wrong, if it weren't for the major question mark over his behaviour when DD was so little I would've said perhaps he is being cautious before 12 weeks are up. But imo that earlier uncertainty together with the remark he recently made is very concerning.

suspiciousofgoldfish Fri 29-Apr-16 01:30:27

This is sad to read OP, I'm sorry you're going through this.

You need to read AnyFuckers list carefully and start making your own plans I think.

Do you have friends or family around who can help if you were to do this on your own?

He sounds like a total shit. You and your children deserve better.

WellThisIsAwful Fri 29-Apr-16 03:16:11

I recognise your username. I'm sorry but I'm pretty sure he's having an affair.
You deserve much better.

Out2pasture Fri 29-Apr-16 04:17:36

I think there is a difference between how a person feels about the first pregnancy that is never the same with subsequent pregnancies.
this however is not an excuse for being unsupportive

Atenco Fri 29-Apr-16 06:46:02

Sorry Louisa, but quite apart everything else, what is the benefit of living and having a child with someone who leaves all the work up to you?

mix56 Fri 29-Apr-16 07:02:51

he kept saying one child was enough which is a strange comment to make as it's me that does it all
because your relationship is already er.... strained
because he is still seeing OW ?
because a second child will cause double problems if you split up,
because a second child costs money
because he is knackered already
because a second child is for life

Louisa111 Thu 05-May-16 21:16:44

Thankyou everyone for replying back... Nothing different to report.. I'm still doing it all and dh showing abit more interest but it's not enough in my view... It's still different to when I was pregnant with dd.
I do have a huge amount if support, my family are close by and always willing to help and my friends are the same so I'm very lucky there.

Will update you all soon xx

AndYourBirdCanSing Thu 05-May-16 21:28:06

Oh you poor thing, this must have been an incredibly hard time for you. Infidelity is bad enough but it is so incredibly cruel to not be honest about it (I don't know your back story but I would trust your instincts)

I would concentrate on you, your dd and bump (congratulations by the way flowers). I would say that people in general do react differently to a second pregnancy, but of course his comments to you have been horrendous. Be easy on yourself and take any support offered from your family and friends.

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