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Financial Abuse - AlmostFreeMo - Part 4

(998 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

AlmostFreeMo Tue 26-Apr-16 06:51:13

Next Fred...

tribpot Tue 26-Apr-16 06:54:54

Was about to post this on the old one:

How much longer until he goes away again? Has he stopped spending all of his time out at mysterious events that don't involve you?

Can you have a conversation with your SHL and your parents as soon as he's gone about how you can put an end to this situation? It sounds like there is some possibility that the court will order a sale with a greater share of the proceeds going to you in order to house his children, although I strongly suspect he will fight that to the bitter end to make sure you don't get a penny out of the relationship.

Is there any way your parents can help you get back on your feet?

AlmostFreeMo Tue 26-Apr-16 07:04:04

Hi Trib.
So. One more week of torture to go.
Nope, outings haven't stopped. We were out of the house before he was even up so he didn't see the kids for breakfast, and we were all in bed before he returned last night. I found out where he was but not through him. Nothing dodgy, but still. In normal circumstances, had be putting his children first on every other occasion it would have been absolutely fine. But to not even tell me he was planning to be most of the day...he has been here 4.5 days and only had two dinners alone with them and only taken one out on their own.
He is working today - only day he has to go in. Thank god though, I can breathe a bit today at home.

I can either go to SHL and spend money I don't have and have to borrow, or I can wait three months and apply for legal aid via the NCDV. Don't know what to do to be honest.

tribpot Tue 26-Apr-16 07:08:51

But the NCDV will only help you with an injunction, or will that then entitle you to legal aid for the wider court case? I'm not sure I understand how an injunction prevents financial abuse anyway - it keeps him out of the house at which point he cuts your money off completely, surely?

I don't see how another three months of this, with him deliberately putting money in late, refusing to pay for anything that doesn't come with a notarised invoice, etc, is feasible. Plus then having to deal with the court case whilst living in the same house as him. It strikes me that the next three months are a gift - a chance to get away whilst he's out of the country. Yes you would have to borrow money but think of it as investing in your future.

rememberthetime Tue 26-Apr-16 07:14:23

I see your best approach in the coming weeks is to appear to give in. Give him the receipts the lists or whatever else he is after. Take the money because you need it. Then when you start getting your benefits come through tryv to save. So you can move to your own place when he comes back. Arguing about the unfairness willk get you nowhere. He doesn't care. . Take him for all you can get.

rumbleinthrjungle Tue 26-Apr-16 07:54:07

Might going to your MPs surgery with that document help? If it's law but not reaching actual practice yet a letter or inquiries by the MP to the local police may stir them to look at it again?

AlmostFreeMo Tue 26-Apr-16 08:18:01

He's not here for the day...I feel like myself again hooray, relaxed and happier. The message couldn't be stronger.

Going to think about my next step. First thing though will be another call to the NCDV to clarify a few things.

Barmaid101 Tue 26-Apr-16 08:21:05

How are the kids coping with him being home but not interested?

AlmostFreeMo Tue 26-Apr-16 08:32:38

It's heartbreaking, Barmaid. A few times they say 'when's daddy coming back' or 'where's daddy? I want daddy' and all I can do is shrug my shoulders and say I don't know because that's the truth.
Then, happily, they forget all about him and get into bed with me for stories, chats and snuggles.
They really don't miss him apart from when they're reminded of him...

mix56 Tue 26-Apr-16 08:57:45

Mo, I have skimmed through the home office (?) doc posted.
It does cover you, altho it appears cannot apply retrospectively, so that all that has gone before is not counted, needs to happen at least twice so that is nonsense ( your abuse is every day) & the culprit needs to be living with you.
It seems that either you brandish the highlighted document in PC plod's face while he is still here, or need to wait for him to return.
At least that is the way I interpret, (but I'm sure your SHL would laugh )

Glad he's out today, he won't be telling you what he is doing all the time, but you can bet he is keeping his appointments with the bank/solicitor/accountant secret.
He is not stupid, he knows this is happening & will be seeking information on how to protect "his" money. he is brushing it off to you, but who knows his manoeuvres behind your back?

As for a solution ; can you really not borrow some money from your parents/other family ? do you have a rich aunt? no siblings?
After this week. You have a few months of space to breath.
I think you need to force the sale of the house, so that you can move out & will then have some money to rent.

re the children have you decided not to tell them until the summer? surely if he is with you all in the same room & is witness to this announcement, he will have respond to their questions ?

mix56 Tue 26-Apr-16 09:01:46

Whether he intimidates you or not, I think you need to tell him that you have waited for his return to announce the situation to the DCs, & will be doing it while he is home, if he esteems himself to be a decent adult, he should be prepared to accept his role as father & be there to answer any questions they may have.

AlmostFreeMo Tue 26-Apr-16 09:24:32

Sorry just some advice please on how to respond. Unfortunately I need the money so tempted just to 'play along' but it goes against everything I want to do.

He's away today and out of the blue emailed about the outstanding money (for Easter hols and uniform) I asked for that he's refused to pay unless I itemise costs. I am refusing to do that.
He's given me £50 for the uniforms without demanding receipts again, so not sure why he's done that, maybe because he knows I borrowed it and it would be embarrassing for him if I can't pay it back so he's not pressing that one.

But he still won't pay the £150 I need to cover the extra costs over Easter without a breakdown of costs. He's even had the cheek to mention the £50 he gave me for Easter Sunday. Nothing adds up for god's sake! He was prepared to give me £50 to spend on one meal. But not £150 for two weeks' worth of activities? If I send him a list, he's not going to just accept it. He's going to pull it apart and criticise my decisions. I can't win whatever I do.

Email ended with a paragraph about giving advance notice as before. Well I should think it was bloody obvious that if your kids are going to be on holiday for two weeks that they will need things to do and places to go and that those things may cost money.

Akire Tue 26-Apr-16 09:50:41

Hi Mo
I know you don't want to give a list and of course you shouldn't have too- but it is tempting to play along if you need to pay back the money. Even though it will make you vomit.

The only way you can hurt him is to part him and his money- so while it's awful for you , you still would be getting money out of him.

While you are there I would do the list of things need over the next few months- so birthdays or holidays or end of school stuff that's you need to buy or spend money on.

Dear Tosser
The school fete is on July 5th we will be spending X amount. Do we have permission to buy a drink Icecream and some second hand books

Does he really think families are like business and invoice the "boss" weeks months in advance??

Or stick to guns wait for benefits to come through and try manage that way. So hard to know what's for the best x

Mamia15 Tue 26-Apr-16 09:51:08

Ask him for a similar breakdown of his Easter expenditure.

rumbleinthrjungle Tue 26-Apr-16 10:11:56

Dear Tosser.

No. I am not a secretary, normal parents do not submit invoices and itemised expenses while financially supporting their children. This is not a reasonable or rational expectation. I have contacted the CSA to avoid this being a further issue.
have also contacted the police you abusive, useless bloody lunatic

rumbleinthrjungle Tue 26-Apr-16 10:13:10


Please do not worry about uniform. I have informed school that the children's father is declining to financially support them and that I cannot afford it.

SpringTown46 Tue 26-Apr-16 10:20:39

You're right, you can't win by dancing to his tune. SHL and start making your own music.

AlmostFreeMo Tue 26-Apr-16 10:28:10

I could just say by not paying it, you are not providing for your children, so it's up to you.
And then leave it.

AlmostFreeMo Tue 26-Apr-16 10:28:45

The state of my bank records will say it all.

Akire Tue 26-Apr-16 10:33:16

Love the name change! Yes that sounds good too

ElspethFlashman Tue 26-Apr-16 10:37:04

Fuck this!

SHL. Whatever it costs. Threaten hell.

Once he goes your mental health will have to endure 3 more months of this.

No fucking way.

Joysmum Tue 26-Apr-16 10:41:38

So how much would a SHL cost?

In the meantime, you'll be entitled to benefits. Could you manage if he decided not to pay child maintenance?

almondfinger Tue 26-Apr-16 10:44:20

He waits till he's at work to start emailing.

So as well as being financially abusive he's a spineless fucker too, who wont even have the conversation face to face.

I would be telling the children asap that you are splitting while he is still in the country to deal with the aftermath also. Or do you think his lies and twisting of the truth will make you out to be the bad guy?

SpringTown46 Tue 26-Apr-16 10:45:40

If you really can't ignore, just adopt a disengaged tone and say something like 'Your comments have been noted'. Then SHL, whatever it takes.

AlmostFreeMo Tue 26-Apr-16 10:51:41

I like my it's up to you reply. The ball is in his court...
SHL wants a grand upfront before they even write a letter. Gulp.
Benefits alone would not work, it's not enough.

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