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Help needed- falling out of love after 19 years married?

(15 Posts)
laughlivelove Mon 25-Apr-16 22:19:16

I can't speak to anyone IRL about this so I'm turning to you as a sounding block and a bit of perspective/advice :-/
Background - married since teens - now 19 years, have 3DC under 11, wonderful lifestyle, no 'life' worries. A DH that who loves me more than anything/do anything for me.
BUT......
Over the last 18 months I think I've been falling out of love with my DH.... I feel physically sick actually admitting that here..... It's all been in my head until now.
We have had a rough time with things that life has thrown at us but we are in a good place now and should be enjoying the good times but I seem to have lost the plot....
I feel he is more a friend, a really good friend, he means the world to me but I just don't feel passionate about us anymore, don't miss him when not with him, don't get excited to see him, not bothered if I spend time with him, not majorly bothered about sex with him ( we have sex regularly but I can't say it rocks my world)

I am not interested in anyone else but admit I look at men in a different light these days and enjoy flirting with them when out.

I feel like I should just suck it all up and just carry on, the pain I will cause if I rock the family boat is unimaginable but do I live this life without the passion I crave for the rest of my life....? What if this is as good as it will ever be and I never find anyone that does light up my world and Ive given in on this marriage. It's not fair on DH to be with him feeling this way though.

I feel like a selfish spoilt bitch, I've got nothing to complain about other than I'm not sure I fancy my DH anymore and I want to feel happy..... :-/

lottielou7 Mon 25-Apr-16 22:23:20

How long have you felt this way?

mrsmeerkat Mon 25-Apr-16 22:28:24

That is sad op but honestly you do sound like you have great life. Would be worth all the pain to wreck the good stuff. I think it wouldn't. You are together so long and it would be a pity to mess things for sex / fun. But I do get where you are coming from .. it's dull and boring at times.

Babyburd Mon 25-Apr-16 22:28:52

After 19 years, that all seems quite reasonable to feel that way- but if it's nagging at you and has been for a long time, how about investing in some sound therapy to look at why you might be feeling this way, before doing anything rash?

laughlivelove Mon 25-Apr-16 22:58:29

About 18 months lottielou7. :-/

laughlivelove Mon 25-Apr-16 22:58:37

About 18 months lottielou7. :-/

Melbournemel Mon 25-Apr-16 23:01:39

You say you are worried that you will never find anyone to light up your world. Did your dh light up your world when you first met? Maybe it's just a case of needing to rediscover each other? Couples counselling sounds like a good option but you will need to sit your husband down and have a gentle chat first. I wouldn't be making any rash moves without trying to fix what you already have though. 19 years and a happy life is a lot to give up for the unknown.

HeddaGarbled Mon 25-Apr-16 23:17:32

Isn't this normal after 19 years?

I think films & books etc give us all an unrealistic expectation of relationships. I doubt most normal people feel passion and excitement and "in love" and having sex which "rocks their world" after 19 years.

He is a really good friend and means the world to you and loves you and would do anything for you.

You could throw that way for a bit of sexual excitement which would last 12 months tops. I wouldn't advise it.

It is OK and normal to have sexual and romantic fantasies about something different than what you have. But they are fantasies, not real life.

I would advise you to seek excitement and stimulation in areas independent of your marriage: career, intellectual interests, social life etc.

All0vertheplace Tue 26-Apr-16 10:12:33

This thread has been providing a good place to chat for a lot of people who feel this way.

Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that werent AWFUL but just unsatisfying

laughlivelove Tue 26-Apr-16 14:24:52

You all do make a lot of sense. I think it stems back to not living those wild teen years as I was already engaged and then feeling resentment for giving up opportunities along our lives together because of his illness and business..... Way to much to go into but although was always happy to give up parts of my life for these, now I feel I need to reclaim it somehow.
I know this isn't wise and I've made my bed....
I can't help craving a bit more excitement though.
Really thanks for taking the time to reply though, it really has helped.

laughlivelove Tue 26-Apr-16 14:25:03

You all do make a lot of sense. I think it stems back to not living those wild teen years as I was already engaged and then feeling resentment for giving up opportunities along our lives together because of his illness and business..... Way to much to go into but although was always happy to give up parts of my life for these, now I feel I need to reclaim it somehow.
I know this isn't wise and I've made my bed....
I can't help craving a bit more excitement though.
Really thanks for taking the time to reply though, it really has helped.

laughlivelove Tue 26-Apr-16 14:25:46

Sorry, for some reason it keeps posting twice on the app on my phone :-/

Blackheart2016 Tue 26-Apr-16 14:34:40

If you're only just falling out of love after 19 years you have done amazingly well. I think it's entirely natural to feel that way. What you do about it is your decision but I wouldn't rush anything.

HPsauciness Tue 26-Apr-16 14:40:34

You can of course collapse your life, juggle three children between homes and have wild sex for a maximum of six months, but it probably isn't that exciting and it certainly won't last.

You sound tired, tired of giving a lot and also giving up some of yourself along the way.

If this were me, I would start pleasing yourself a lot more, cook what you like, reclaim your career if you have one, do fun activities that you like to do. If you've sacrificed a lot you may not be used to doing this and quite resentful of everything and everyone, which is a huge passion killer.

This may or may not make you fancy your husband again, but plodding along feeling tired and resentful will kill any passion around.

My feeling on these threads is pretty much- if you had passion/love/romance once, you stand a chance of regaining it. If you never had it and always were more just good friends but married for pragmatic reasons/he'd make a good husband, it's much harder.

If you crave excitement, then there are lots of places to look for it, and personally I don't see anything wrong with the odd stray thought about handsome men. Just don't collapse everything for one of them, I'll tell you for free, they won't be all that.

laughlivelove Wed 27-Apr-16 09:46:17

HPsauciness- you do make some valid points, yes he was my world, my everything, the passion was once there. I really hope a glimmer of it can return.
I must admit the last year I have really been doing more of what I want and reconnecting with friends that I'd neglected and feel like I've got a bit more of a life back but I dont feel it has helped anything in my relationship. Nothing is going to unless I really want it to though and that's the struggle.
I love my lifestyle and am very lucky that way but is it enough... !

Some great opinions here, thanks so much. X

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