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Why is my ex treating me so awfully - I'm pregnant

(26 Posts)
helpisneeded96 Mon 25-Apr-16 20:40:08

I was with my ex boyfriend for 4.5 years.
Around 2 months ago he dumped me totally out of the blue, he did it over a text message and refused to speak to me from that point. His only excuse was that he was unhappy with the relationship - this was new to me because he'd never told me before.

So a month and a half down the line just as I'm beginning to heal, I find out I'm pregnant with his child. At first I told the doctor it was impossible as I was on contraception, I started taking contraception around January time. The doctor assured me the test wasn't wrong and booked me in for a dating scan. Sure enough, the scan told me I'm around 4 months gone. I got pregnant around Christmas time. Now before anyone lectures me about 'unsafe sex' just don't, I'm not here to be lectured about how stupid me and my ex were.
I wasn't going to tell my ex, infact I was almost unwilling to tell him but then last week I got so low and down that I took an overdose on pain killers. My best friend rushed me to hospital and as I was sleeping she went out of the room and called my ex. Luckily the baby was fine, by the way.

2 hours later he called me on a new number (He clearly changed his old one to stop me being able to contact him) He automatically launched into insulting me, he said I was a horrible person and that's why he had left me. He said he disliked me and that every word that came out of my mouth was 'Bullsh*t' This is news to me because I've never once lied to him or mislead him. After he had calmed down slightly he told me that he would come to the next scan with me for the baby but he 'still doesn't like me' and 'can't think of anything worse than seeing me again' He put the phone down after telling me to email him with a date and time for the next scan. He told me not to contact him before that as he doesn't want to hear my voice or see any messages from me (Brutal) Oh, and he also added that he would never want me ever again and that he would NEVER pursue another relationship with me again - Not that I said I wanted this, I think he's flattering himself a little too much, don't you?

Today I got confirmation about the date and time of my next development scan for the baby. I emailed him the details and added 'Could you let me know if this date is ok for you?' I could see that he had opened my email and read it but he never responded, and I doubt he ever will. He's probably just going to show up to the scan and act like a douche with me there.
I understand he doesn't want to speak to me, but why is he being so immature and rude? He hasn't once bothered to ask how I am, even though I'm carrying his baby and then he topped it all of by deciding to just not respond to my email. There's a difference between speaking to someone as minimally as possible and being plain rude. He's being plain rude.
His hate and dislike for me just seems to shine through with every bit of contact we have, but I don't know what else to do when I'm carrying his child. I did nothing wrong to this guy, I literally ADORED him in the 4.5 years we spent together but now it's like I'm terrified of him. It's like I don't even know him. Everyone in my life is questioning whether I really need this whilst I'm pregnant, all of this stress and pain. I just don't know.
What advice do you guys offer? Thank you.

WellErrr Mon 25-Apr-16 20:45:33

Well, he's a cunt isn't he?

You need to cut him loose. You do NOT need someone abusive in your life right now.

The best thing you can do is change your scan date, tell him you don't want him there and if he wants to contact you he can go through your mum or someone you trust. Then block.

A scan is your medical appointment. He has NO RIGHT to be there.

And....sorry, but he is nothing to see the baby on screen then have a major personality transplant. He's just not.

You've see now what an abusive and nasty bastard he is. That's good, as you know now. You can start to detach.


helpisneeded96 Mon 25-Apr-16 20:46:39

Also to add-
I have a severely disabled younger brother therefore I had to have a test called a CVS to check my baby's chromosomes, to make sure he was normal.
This test can be done anywhere between 8-12 weeks (And probably beyond) I got the test results back the baby is fine and it was optional as to whether I found out the gender, I opted to find out the gender, a little boy.
I sent a copy of the letter to my ex that the hospital sent me out after the final results for the CVS came through and in the brief phone call we had (That I initiated) He told me that the letter 'didn't mean anything' and that 'I could be lying.' even though it had official NHS stamps and such and a signature from a midwife. Is this guy for real?

WellErrr Mon 25-Apr-16 20:47:14

*not going to see

You don't owe him contact because it's his baby. You don't owe him shit. Remember that. It's YOUR baby and YOUR body and YOUR mental health.

He can get tae fuck.

inlectorecumbit Mon 25-Apr-16 20:48:14

For the love of God do not allow this man to attend the scan or have any further details of the pregnancy, Okay perhaps tell him your due date but nil else until the baby is born, The hit the abusive twat for maintenance. Block his new number and use email only.
you do not need stress like this during your pregnancy, congratulations by the way flowers

helpisneeded96 Mon 25-Apr-16 20:53:37

To be honest with you ladies/guys I'm in shock because he was nothing like this when he was with me. He truly did look after me and seemed as though he loved me a great deal, until that fateful night where he dumped me over a message.
He wants to be involved with the babys life, thats why i've respected him enough to send him scan dates and such, I even offered him a copy of the scan photo but he declined it, saying he didn't want to see. He also claimed I could have 'photo shopped' the scan, what does that even mean? I'm no technical whizz, I work at an insurance business!

I'm just shocked at who he has become. He outright told me on the phone he had been sleeping around, 'drinking his pay checks away' and partying alot. It really hurt me to hear because of course a part of me still loves him, but he outright said to me on the phone he didn't love me anymore.
He claimed he still cared about me, but this seems like utter bullshit to me.

starry0ne Mon 25-Apr-16 20:58:48

I echo...what previous posters have said.. You are clearly feeling very vulnerable.. You really need no contact from this man right now..
I would inform him baby is due ... and to get in touch after this date.. Then block for now..
I also think you need to change appointment ... My guess would be he has something to feel guilty about and plans to make you feel crap..Don't let him..Focus on how you are going to manage once this little one arrives.

Take the RL support around you..

Devilscelery Mon 25-Apr-16 21:00:00

He sounds awful. Tell him to go fuck himself and don't contact him again.

GinaBambino Mon 25-Apr-16 21:00:34

What an absolute cockwomble. You're so much better off without him!
How on earth do you photoshop a scan? I'd not even bother telling him any more or letting him know about appts. If he really wanted to be involved he'd man the fuck up and stop being a crass, cruel idiot and at least be civil.

Ooh I'm really angry on your behalf angry

YouSay Mon 25-Apr-16 21:01:53

Stop reaching out to him. He has told you loud and clear he is not interested. I know you are probably incredibly hurt but you carrying his baby is not going to change the way he feels about you. By continually trying to contact him you are giving him the opportunity to keep rejecting you. You need to think of yourself and your baby from now on. Don't waste another second pining for this man. He is no prize. I would get a member of my family to contact him once the baby was born and that would be it. You will be ok. You will love your baby like no other. Be kind to yourself. Best of luck.

starry0ne Mon 25-Apr-16 21:02:12

My guess is he wants proof it is his and he is judging you by his own low standards..

helpisneeded96 Mon 25-Apr-16 21:09:09

I just feel like public enemy number 1.
He's not treating me as someone who he dumped after 4.5 years over a text. He's treating me as someone who cheated and personally ended the relationship.
The way he is treating me I should be treating him! But I just don't have the heart to ignore someone and treat them that badly.

GinaBambino Mon 25-Apr-16 21:16:54

Well you should! He hurt you and is continuing to do so when you should be feeling happy and excited. Cut all contact, let him know when baby is born (via a relative) and look after yourself and baby. That is all that matters now.

YouSay Mon 25-Apr-16 21:19:44

He doesn't want you to contact him. His actions are showing you that. You can't force him to be interested. I really think that you believe this baby will bring you back together. It won't. Sorry to be harsh but you need to concentrate on you and your baby. Forget him for now.

Shakey15000 Mon 25-Apr-16 21:27:09

Agree with posters saying to stop contact. He's clearly not interested.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 25-Apr-16 21:28:21

You owe him nothing. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING. Don't contact him any further. If he truly wants to be part of this baby's life (which I doubt) let him take the initiative.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 25-Apr-16 23:03:41

It's obivous that he doesn't want to believe that he's fathered a child with you and I suspect he'll up his partying in an atempt to convince himself that he hasn't.

Send him a one line email saying 'the scan is being rearranged and I'll notify you of the new date in due course' which should serve to dissuade him from turning up on the day and don't contact him again.

Make sure you register the birth alone so that you can't put his name on the certificate and don't be tempted to give the dc his surname. The fact that he's not named as the father of your dc doesn't affect your right to claim child maintenace which I suggest you claim via the CMS asap after the birth.

If he wants to have contact with the dc tell him to fuck off apply through the Family Courts which will result in you being asked to attend mediation at which time you can state what you believe is appropriate - whatever you may think now is unlikely to be case when you fall madly in love with your dc and don't want to let him out of your sight for a minute not, I hasten to add, that any court will think it appropriate for a babe in arms to spend long periods away from his dm.

In other words, your ex has made it abundantly clear how he feels about you and all you can do is pay him back in his own coin take him at his word and make the remainder of your pg as stress free and enjoyable as possible, which it won't be if you're continually fretting about him.

Who does this knobhead think he is? If he believes that maintaining his hostility towards you won't have an adverse affect on his dc he's a moron and you're best advised to make sure he has minimal contact with your child.

TheNaze73 Mon 25-Apr-16 23:24:16

He is doing the classic of judging you by his own standards. You owe him nothing

Atenco Tue 26-Apr-16 02:05:05

goddessofsmallthings has said everything I could say. I know you are hurting badly from his treatment of you, OP, but this will pass and when you meet your son, you will have eyes for no-one but him.

I second not putting this nasty piece of work on the birth cert. If he steps up to be a decent dad you can still encourage contact, but at least you can avoid contact and nastiness if needs be, and everything at the moment indicates he will not be a good co-parent.

Baconyum Tue 26-Apr-16 02:40:05

Don't put him on BC, do get child maintenance, do change scan date and tell him to knob off! He sounds like an utter cunt! Be prepared for him claiming it may not be his once born he seems the type!

MattDillonsPants Tue 26-Apr-16 02:52:27

OP. Congratulations on your expected little boy. flowers as others have said, change the scan date and leave him out of it ALL.

He will upset and stress you and that's not good for you or the baby.

He does not deserve to be involved and he will continue to cause you pain. Even if he came begging for forgiveness and said he wanted to be with you and the baby, you could not trust such a piece of shit again.

Don't let him attend scan.

Jengnr Tue 26-Apr-16 06:43:57

Change the scan date and don't tell him. Contact him when the baby is born and tell him name, weight and time of birth. Let him do the running for the rest (although do contact CMS) and only allow any contact at your comvenience.

This prick wants you to jump through hoops for him. Well there's another boy who needs your time and attention now so until he gets with the programme (and he probably won't) he can go swivel.

summerwinterton Tue 26-Apr-16 09:35:47

I agree with all of the above, but I also think you should tell your midwife and GP about his abusive behaviour, and WA too. You need this all on record so if the shit does one day decide to go for contact then you have official documentation of his appalling behaviour towards you.

And I would change the scan too, and your mobile, email and block him on any social media too.

hurtandconfued2016 Tue 26-Apr-16 09:54:40

Heya hunni
This might be long and harsh but trust me it's only for you!
First of all please cut all contact with this man right now. I bloody wish I had done this!
With regards to him being there for the birth or when baby is born.NO! You are having a baby it's not a spectators sport he does not deserve to be there. You wait until you have had baby and at home where you feel safe with people around you when he meets his son.
Tell your midwife and go now about everything I promise you the next 6 months will be hard! When you have baby you will have to get extra support to try and prevent pnd.
Please keep an extra eye on baby and yourself with all this stress. Remember baby feels what you feel.
The way he is expressing his feelings about you is harsh but they are more than likely 100% true. I'm sorry but it seems when little boys get upset and there life doesn't go their way they act out and hate the mother.

Do you live alone? Do you have good support?
So love i went thru this not that long ago I am still dealing with it baby is 8 weeks. My ex is the same I hate you I can't stand to look at you! There has been some very wide words from some woman on here that has helped me thru it all! I am still getting there but every day I am getting stronger and so will you bit you really need to be selfish and think of yourself love

Sending hugs xx

ForgivenNotForgotten Tue 26-Apr-16 11:26:53

I also agree that you should tell your midwife, hv and gp about his behaviour. You may need there to be a record of it in the future.

This is going to sound a bit odd, but in your position I should think it will be particularly important to get breastfeeding off to a good start. Ask for all the help you can get from your midwife, and in late pregnancy you could also call the national breastfeeding helpline (they will give you all sorts of good information and practical tips).

The reason I say this (apart from all the health and practical benefits) is that, as a previous poster said, if your ex does ask for contact, he is less likely to get big chunks of unsupervised contact while your baby is still breastfeeding - and the World Health Orgsnisation recommends breastfeeding until about the age of two! This gives you time to see whether or not he is going to be a stable and consistent figure in your little boy's life, and to put safety measures in place if he isn't.

However, any family court will almost certainly decide that a tiny baby needs to be with you fairly constantly, however your baby is fed.

I wish you all the best, and am so sorry you're going through this.

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