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Still trying to move on...

(13 Posts)
citybumpkin Mon 25-Apr-16 11:45:14

So its been nearly 2 years since exDP left me. I have moved on with my life - much travelling, time with family and friends, undertaken various courses, learned mew languages, progressed my career, over a year with Relate but yet I still miss him. There isn't really a day goes by when I don't think of him and what was. I try to eliminate all the good memories with the bad but yet my mind focuses on all the happiness we shared. He moved on very quickly after me - moving in with the OW and her two young children and this still gives me a raw, nagging ache in my stomach. Thoughts of why wasn't I good enough? Did I not do enough? So much self-doubt... When will this end? How can he still be affecting my life so much? I know I am letting him and perhaps it is all the negativity he projected onto me that is causing this? I would just like to stop feeling that I am a bad person. That I am/was to blame for everything.

Lostandlonely1979 Mon 25-Apr-16 12:05:56

You poor thing, not much in the way of advice but you sound like you're in so much pain so sending flowers

You've already tried counselling but perhaps cognitive behavioural therapy might be good? All this could be your brain's knee-jerk reaction now and it may need retraining to think differently. Hope you can find peace.

citybumpkin Mon 25-Apr-16 12:15:33

Thank you lost for your kind words. I am mostly positive thinking so maybe this is mostly due to the imminent anniversary of his departure? We were together several years and I just keep evaluating what went wrong and how can he have moved on so quickly. I doubt I will find the answers in CBT. I felt stronger during and after Relate but now... I hope you aren't as your name suggests, lost and lonely.

Claraoswald36 Mon 25-Apr-16 12:18:27

Don't you feel
Any anger if he left you for someone else?

TheNaze73 Mon 25-Apr-16 12:19:57

You sound in a bad place flowers

I think, if you look in the mirror & think you've done the best that you can, you need to accept that somethings aren't meant to be, especially with your half of the bargain. I hope you find happiness in the future. Good luck

citybumpkin Mon 25-Apr-16 12:34:31

Clara when he was leaving me I asked him if there was someone else and he categorically said "no". It was only after the fact, a few weeks later that I had my suspicions. I do feel angry but I also feel that I am the cause of him leaving, that I could have done things so much differently. I guess I failed.

Naze I went above and beyond throughout the relationship but I guess it just wasn't enough. I am far from perfect but I was there for him wholeheartedly emotionally and physically. Thank you for your good wishes.

Lostandlonely1979 Mon 25-Apr-16 12:35:36

CityB - I am a little, but it helps me to spend time in the e-company of others who are going through their own stuff, and in return offer words/comments that might help them even the tiniest bit. As they've helped me!

Maybe it is the upcoming anniversary. These dates can bring up strong reactions, with no warning. Do you have any contact and do you get updates of how he's doing now? If there's any channel that's bringing him back into your life, it might be worth shutting it down temporarily until you feel stronger.

Chorltonswheelies422 Mon 25-Apr-16 12:45:26

Oh City - you've missed something out. He was ahead of you when he ended the relationship, he'd met someone else, considered all the options and made his choice- only then did YOU start your process.

When it hits like that, it really is a grieving process because you had to deal with the aftermath and not being involved in the decisioning.

This is probably a rambling post because I had a bombshell over the weekend too - my now ex had thought it all through, made his decision then planned his next steps and then only told me he no longer wanted the same things and I am devastated, so felt I must respond to you.

You sound like you are doing amazing. Keep opening all the doors that you want to explore and it will get better. flowers for you

citybumpkin Mon 25-Apr-16 12:51:23

Lost I found some comfort and encouragement on here some time ago after it all happened but then found it easier to take a step back as I didn't want old memories brought to the fore.

I suspect it is the anniversary. I broke all contact with him after he left. He wanted to remain friends but I saw no reason to keep contact. It would only give me false hope of a reconciliation etc. I peak at his FB every now and again and he has his own business website. The OW now works for him and they seem to still be together. He and the OW attended an event recently where I work. I know he is within his rights to go where he pleases but I find this somewhat disrespectful. He spouted to me all about disrespect when he was leaving. He has contacted me on a couple of occasions wanting to meet up but I am reluctant as I don't know what this will achieve. I feel bad about cutting him out of my life after we were together for nearly 9 years. I feel like a big chunk of me has gone.

citybumpkin Mon 25-Apr-16 13:01:38

Chorltons - love the name smile and sorry to hear that you've been hit with the bombshell too. Here are some flowers back at you.

Yes, its the fact that I wasn't involved in any of the decision making. He was leaving and that was it. I was the one suggesting Relate. He initially agreed and then a few days later said no as it would bring up past issues. He went on a night out with the OW during his birthday week and when he was leaving told me that something had happened with someone (yes, he was vague) so I can only assume something happened with her that night and it carried on from there... He offered the rest of his life to me on valentines day, a few days later was on "that" night out and a couple of months after that left me.

I am trying to get on with life and have to say have rediscovered my freedom (the ex was rather controlling and possible EA) but yet...

Chorltonswheelies422 Mon 25-Apr-16 22:03:20

City - are you dating? If so, or if you're thinking of dating, do join a thread I've just found. I can't link you to it as I'm on iPhone but if you do a search on

Chorltonswheelies422 Mon 25-Apr-16 22:05:42

Let's Get Ready! It's Dating Thread 103

citybumpkin Mon 25-Apr-16 23:07:29

Chorltons I've been there and done that over the last 18 months or so. Signed up to Soulmates, match (where I met the ex), ok cupid and tinder. Loads of interest, lots of conversations and several dates. One short relationship with someone I knew through work and another which is ongoing but complicated. Tbh I got bored of the attention and just want the ex back.

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