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Nearly divorced but having flashbacks

(16 Posts)
Strawberryshortcake40 Mon 25-Apr-16 06:35:04

Not of the bad times and reasons why the marriage is over. No I'm having flashbacks and dreams of the good times from years ago, when we actually were happy.

(Mainly because I had no opinion and just accepted I was second best to him and what he wanted! )

Last week was his birthday and I spent most of the day in tears remembering years gone past and how we would always spend the day together, I would have spent weeks finding gifts. I keep having dreams of random events, holidays for pre children, that kind of thing.

Is all of this normal? We have recently gone from truly disliking each other (but remaining civil) to finally sorting out the financials and being much kinder to each other. And now all that crossness and anger with him has been replaced by grief and these thoughts. I don't know how to deal with all of the memories.

Lostandlonely1979 Mon 25-Apr-16 09:35:06

I haven't been through it but I think you're right that divorce triggers many of the common stages of grief - maybe you're going through some kind of subconsious bargaining. Believe this comes after anger so it would fit and, if so, you might have a rocky period of time ahead of you before you come to the acceptance stage.

And if that's the case, you need lots of support. Do you have a good support system? If you don't feel like you have anyone to talk to, counselling might help you get through this relatively unscathed.

Good luck with it all and hope you can come out the other side much happier xx

Strawberryshortcake40 Mon 25-Apr-16 16:41:26

No I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I doubt any of my friends would understand (and neither do I logically) as things were so awful for such a long time that I should be glad it's over.

And I am apart from these awful flashes of remembering the past.

needhelpandadvice Mon 25-Apr-16 17:34:34

I feel this, over the last 3 - 4 weeks I have been feeling immense sadness and loss, I remember all the good times we have had and laughs we had. I have been writing all the thoughts down!

I have made contact after a few wines! He told me I broke him, what he doesn't know is he broke me too.

The big elephant in the room as we have both slept with other people now, so probably no way back for us.

Strawberryshortcake40 Mon 25-Apr-16 18:41:36

Glad it's not just me! My STBEX has been gone now 15 months so I wasn't expecting all of this now.

citybumpkin Mon 25-Apr-16 19:40:00

Not divorced as we weren't married, just engaged but we were together 9 years and it still hurts now after nearly 2 years. I'm recently remembering all the good but trying to replace it with all the bad. Its a battle but hopefully will work itself out. He has been in touch with me, wanting to meet up to "talk it out". If I want answers I would rather he email me so I don't have to see him in person. Tough I know but he was the one to leave me.

peppatax Mon 25-Apr-16 19:44:05

It's not just limited to being the one that's been left, I left my H and still have the moments where something I see would have made us laugh or hear a song that has special memories. It's still terribly sad for me that we've lost the good times and some days remains a stronger feeling than the relief that it's over.

Strawberryshortcake40 Mon 25-Apr-16 19:45:28

He only left because I asked him to do it wasn't his choice.

Clg199 Mon 25-Apr-16 19:50:33

I left my H just over a year ago and have only just stopped counselling. We frequently discussed this feeling of sadness, the loss of what I thought we'd had, or what we once had but no longer do. She referred to it as grieving.

Very few people have a relationship with no high points, so while you are relieved to get away from the bad things that developed, it's likely that there will be some sadness too. It doesn't necessarily mean you want them back, or that you regret your decision, it's just your way of processing memories.

My counsellor has been worth her weight in gold.

citybumpkin Mon 25-Apr-16 19:50:41

You have memories, whether good or bad. No matter who left who or how many years have past, fragments, or even whole, memories will remain. Unfortunately we can't erase our pasts completely. For good or ill the past is a significant part of who you are today and how you choose to go forward. Happy times will hopefully appear once again...

citybumpkin Mon 25-Apr-16 19:50:45

You have memories, whether good or bad. No matter who left who or how many years have past, fragments, or even whole, memories will remain. Unfortunately we can't erase our pasts completely. For good or ill the past is a significant part of who you are today and how you choose to go forward. Happy times will hopefully appear once again...

citybumpkin Mon 25-Apr-16 19:50:51

You have memories, whether good or bad. No matter who left who or how many years have past, fragments, or even whole, memories will remain. Unfortunately we can't erase our pasts completely. For good or ill the past is a significant part of who you are today and how you choose to go forward. Happy times will hopefully appear once again...

citybumpkin Mon 25-Apr-16 19:50:58

You have memories, whether good or bad. No matter who left who or how many years have past, fragments, or even whole, memories will remain. Unfortunately we can't erase our pasts completely. For good or ill the past is a significant part of who you are today and how you choose to go forward. Happy times will hopefully appear once again...

citybumpkin Mon 25-Apr-16 19:52:04

Apologies for several posts there...phone app said "mumsnet error"?!

1DAD2KIDS Mon 25-Apr-16 20:18:24

I am also nearly divorced too. I now realise that I had a lucky escape when she left me for another. Feel sorry for the other man. But we did have lots of good fun times and loving moments. Sometimes it still cuts right through me when I think about them. But I don't regret them and will not sanitise them from my history. That's why I will never will get rid of the old photos. I am proud of those happy times, but they are the past. I would say it's perfectly normal to feel what you are feeling. I know I have.

Strawberryshortcake40 Mon 25-Apr-16 20:27:15

I just find it so painful, i was so unhappy for so many years but even though I try I can't recollect those times. It's like a physical pain whenever I am reminded of the good bits of the past.

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