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Where do I go from here?!

(17 Posts)
Flossy1971 Sun 24-Apr-16 20:44:12

I really need some insight here, I'm becoming a mess and losing my mind. It's gone 2 in the afternoon and I'm in bed in tears while my husband is downstairs humming to himself without an apparent care in the world he's upset me!

The history behind it all is we met, a couple of months later he rented out his place and moved into mine. We then decided to get married and buy an additional place jointly in another location to live in during the week together rather than have to live apart during the week due to work commitments. Obviously this was a huge financial commitment and strain in a very short period of time. Every time I was anxious about the affordability of it all and stressed about money he would reassure me that I wouldn't be paying for it all on my own. Well I've paid for more than double my fair share on my own not to mention holidays and paying for my own house that he also lives in at weekends. Now when I raise concerns about money I get told how I knew what money he had towards it all and I'd reassured him it was doable and if I am worried then to pull out of the flat purchase. I also got to pay for the entire wedding on my own. He recently had a PPI claim pay out that he said he'd let me have towards the enormous credit card debts I've accumulated paying for 'our' wedding. The cheque arrived and he spent it on himself, it's all gone, I didn't see a penny of it. Admittedly he is paying me £150 a month towards the wedding costs but that's not really the point. Money aside, I feel like I've shouldered the responsibility of huge financial undertakings on my own and jumped through hoops to make sure it all happened, including selling my car to pay towards things and I get no support when it all gets too much in return, just a lets pull out of it then. Same response when I said I was disappointed he didn't give me the PPI money as he'd said he would. That degenerated into an argument which I ended by saying whenever I raise the topic of money he gets angry and it degenerates into an argument and how we should be able to discuss finances, its fundamental. His response? If we can't talk about money lets split up then.

Money matters aside, where admittedly I am starting to feel like I've been taken for a ride, on a personal level things aren't great either. We've been married less than a year. Before we got married every morning he would cuddle up to me and tell me how much he loved me and how wonderful I was. Now mostly the first thing he grabs when he wakes up is his phone, he barely engages in any conversation and when I say to him it's at least polite to ask about my day or if I've had a nice evening when I've seen friends or been to yoga he now makes a point of asking with a fake smile 'how was your day dear' making a point that he's asked about it like I said he should be doing. If I ask him for input on anything at all I get 'don't mind babe' as a stock response yet if I suggest anything I'm accused of being controlling! I've recently realised that his complaining about me to my friends in front of me when we see them has become a pattern. Recently he met a friend of mine and her husband for the first time and spent most of it rolling his eyes and complaining that I do this that or the other. I was mortified and spent my time trying to play it down! When I raise these things with him I get told I have no sense of humour, that he was just joking. He even once posted a video of me on Facebook snoring without my knowledge! I'm starting to wonder if I'm married to a narcissist but then he doesn't have a temper and doesn't show signs of being controlling, at least not overtly.

Friday night was when I brought up that I was disappointed he hadn't given me the PPI money towards debts as he'd said he was. By yesterday morning he was extremely affectionate and offered to take a mortgage holiday on his own flat so the rental could pay towards the credit cards, although I'm not holding out for that one. We went for a walk and for lunch then he went cold as a fish on me. This morning he announces he has issues with us, that we are poles apart. Basically I had a difference of opinion on a topic to him and that's emphasised to him how poles apart we are then he just got up and left me in tears and is now humming downstairs and carrying on like nothing has happened. I can't take any more, I really don't understand what the hell is going on.

Lostandlonely1979 Sun 24-Apr-16 20:52:39

He sounds quite unbalanced and I'd be concerned for his MH. Does he have a history? You're lurching from one feeling to another and it sounds exhausting!

Sounds to me like he has some seriously deep-rooted confidence issues and tries to squash them by making you look bad. If that's the case, he needs professional help ASAP. Whether he'd be willing to seek it out is quite another matter. Sorry you're going through this xx

HeddaGarbled Sun 24-Apr-16 20:58:22

He sounds nasty and he is definitely exploiting you financially.

booksandcoffee Sun 24-Apr-16 21:05:38

I am really sorry to hear that you are having such a horrible time. flowers At the very least it sounds like you need some space to think. I suspect many will say LTB, but only you can know in your heart if that is right. He comes across in your description like a liar who is now, if not always, in it for financial reasons rather than because he loves and respects you. If so then find a way of securing as much as you can financially and then separate. Get advice on the matter. Citizen's Advice is one source but others might have better suggestions. Sorry I can't be more help but you do not deserve to be used and humiliated. If nothing else that has to stop. Good luck.

Flossy1971 Sun 24-Apr-16 21:08:07

Hello, thank you for replying so quickly. I've had an awful day and yes am totally exhausted! He does have history yes, but told me he'd been through counselling. When I met him he seemed the most calm and unflappable person I'd ever met. He still doesn't lose his temper but he does blow hot and cold and seems mostly detached and if I say or do anything that offends him I pay for it with the cold shoulder treatment. I must admit, given what's gone on this weekend because I said I was disappointed he hadn't given me the money he'd promised me when I've done more than my fair share I'm beginning to wonder a lot of things! Xx

Flossy1971 Sun 24-Apr-16 21:28:30

He's just gone to bed, at 9:15?! I asked why he hasn't spoken to me all day. He says because whenever we talk it ends up an argument and he can't be bothered arguing any more. Hang on a minute, I went to bed last night thinking everything was OK only to wake up this morning to the cold shoulder and an issue he had with us or rather me, because I said something yesterday he didn't agree with! How on earth is that me arguing?!

AnotherPrickInTheWall Sun 24-Apr-16 22:02:43

A stab in the dark here..
I take it you met and married him pretty quickly am I right?
He made a lot of empty promises after posing as someone who ticks all the right boxes as husband material.
He choses to be petulant and avoid financial responsibility because he hasn't really thought things through, in short he's a dreamer and instead of manning up to the realities of the huge financial commitments he is faced with takes the easy option of having a huge strop .
I think the writing is on the wall OP. He says he has issues and fobbing you off with his having counselling isn't going to let him off the hook that easily is it?
He sound rather like an ex of mine . FWIW I only wish I had seen through his web of deceit before I let him move into my place and emotionally abuse be to breaking point.
I think he sounds callous and entitled, not to mention unhinged.
I hate to say it, but I think you really need to see a solicitor about divorcing him as I think that if he is like this so early on in the marriage there doesn't seem like there is much hope for the future.

Standalittletaller Sun 24-Apr-16 22:12:08

This is an example of meeting, living together and getting married too quickly. You are still getting to know each other and sadly you are finding that he is quite unpleasant.

You don't mention your feelings towards him. Do you love him?

The finances sound messy. You need a plan of action to sort that out. If I were you I would consider ending the relationship and get some legal advice about how that would work with the debt and properties. He doesn't seem to want to work on things. What else can you do?

Cordelia2016 Sun 24-Apr-16 22:21:17

Personally, I would divorce, why waste your life on him, believe me it only gets worse. Why stay in a unhappy marriage, it is better to look after yourself financially rather than have a MF messing with your head daily and taking you for a ride.nHe sounds horrid.

devilinme Sun 24-Apr-16 22:24:39

See a lawyer

Flossy1971 Fri 29-Apr-16 17:11:52

Hi All, thank you for your messages. yes we did live together and get married quite quickly after meeting which in itself is odd as I've never particularly been fussed about geting married and was more than happy with my life, it was great! he did sweep me off my feet though I must admit, and also seemed unflappable which I thought was a great quality. But now I realise that the unflappable quality he had has since become where he just doesn't bother engaging at all and the loving teasing he did is now just constant opportunities to undermine me. Even my friends have pulled him up on being rude as they don't find it funny. I've not seen much of him this week due to work and other commitments, however we did go for dinner Tuesday night. He barely spoke a word and then when I was busy telling him about a place we should go to where 'Sar and me went' and suggesting we go I simply got correct and quizzed 'shouldn't that be Sar and I?' FFS seriously?! That was his only contribution to the conversation?! That and to tell me that a trip I've planned, booked and paid for for us (I know!) later in the year that involves a trip to Florida to see my cousins and spending the first night on Miami beach and going to the Everglades and kayaking on Crystal River where there's manatees and going out in Clearwater where you see dolphins in the wild. His response when I asked if he was excited? Not really, it's just every day stuff that the average person does. What planet is this man on? He's only been out of the country a handful of times in his life, has never been to the States and I treat him to a trip like this and that's all he can say?! His point of view? Just highlights how we are poles apart that I don't understand why he isn't excited. Man alive, I'd be bowled over if someone organised a trip like that to take me on! I'm beginning to wonder why I bother!

pinkyredrose Fri 29-Apr-16 17:30:06

I'm wondering why you bother too! Arts you determined to make it work because you're married? Who's idea was it to get married and why the hell are you paying for everything? !!

pinkyredrose Fri 29-Apr-16 17:30:30

Are not arts obs!

ImperialBlether Fri 29-Apr-16 17:36:47

Oh I couldn't be doing with him. You'll probably take a financial hit whenever you split up, I'm afraid, but I'd do it sooner (ie now) rather than later, when you'll have lost more money.

If it was just a financial issue, that would be one thing (though very alarming), but it's not - he's not a nice man. In fact, he's bloody horrible - putting videos of you online, bitching about you to friends? Oh, OP, get rid of him now. Pack your bags and go back to your house. Separate all finances eg bank accounts. You'll feel loads better.

inlectorecumbit Fri 29-Apr-16 17:49:35

the word cocklodger springs to mind

pocketsaviour Fri 29-Apr-16 19:23:49

He is after your money, I'm sorry. You're the gravy train, and he hopped aboard as quick as he could sad

He sounds a lot like my ex, actually.

I would see a solicitor as soon as you can and try to get an idea of where you stand financially if you separate, because I think you need to cut your losses. He has no intention of paying you anything.

You are his meal ticket, and if he senses it disappearing, he will go cold. Hence the arguments over nothing...

Cabrinha Sat 30-Apr-16 09:12:00

Well, aside from the fact you have made a big mistake in being with him - why on earth are you booking expensive holidays for two when you have "enormous credit card debts"?

You really need to take a good look at your attitude to money. He's using you, of course he is. It's bad enough to be used for money you actually have, but he's using you for CREDIT. All that interest, all that risk.

You need this bluntly: he doesn't give a fuck about you. No man that loved you would let you pay for the entire wedding (many thousands I bet) and then not give you the promised PPI.

Why are you with him?
He uses you for money, he's no fun to be with, he's mean to you.

You can divorce him after a year. Do it.
Do you have any equity in the properties? The good news is that whilst your debt will always stay in your name, it will be considered a joint debt when adding up the full financial picture. So if you're lucky you'll get some of the money you've wasted back.

Go see a solicitor.

And cancel that holiday! FFS, don't be a child - going on about dolphins when you haven't even paid got your wedding?

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