My dad won't come to my wedding

[Luna2016]

Sorry about spelling and grammar I'm just really upset right now.

For some reason my dad won't come to my wedding, him and my mum are still together after 4 years and 7 kids together. I'm the first person to get married out of my siblings. I gave my parents the invite, once i got him my mum phoned me to tell me that she will be coming but my dad won't, when i asked why she said 'It's not his thing'. He's always been like this when my daughter was born he didn't come to see her i have to take her to him or she wouldn't see her granddad.

I even asked him to give me away and he plainly said that he wasn't coming. Even my partners step dad offered to walk me down the isle. I declined because it not his job to do so. If its not my father then its no one.

I've tried talking to him so has my partner and he still won't come. This has really hurt me as he's always been like this, even at school people thought i was lying about having a farther as no one ever saw him not on sports days, prom or even my graduation day. I though this would be different.

Am I being unreasonable with him?

[BYOSnowman]

Does he suffer from a mental illness that means he doesn't like to leave the house/go to social events?

It might not be something you are fully aware of and staying at home is one of his coping strategies?

[sykadelic]

I was going to ask the same as BYOSnowman. If your father rarely left the house enough during your childhood for people to think you're lying about having one... it definitely sounds like he has some sort of social anxiety or perhaps agoraphobia.

I met with a lady a couple of weeks ago with agoraphobia. She HAD to come to our office, there wasn't a choice, and she was anxious and upset the entire time and couldn't wait to leave. It wasn't a reflection on us at all, it's just how she is.

When your took your DD to meet him, was he happy about that?

Can you consider streaming the wedding so he can watch it? Or recording it or something?

[Luna2016]

We've spoken to him about it and he mental and physically okay. He's was always working when i was a child so wan't home much, so I mad sure to book the wedding for when he had three weeks off so that he'll have plenty of relaxing time before and after the wedding. My mums trying to get him to come but he just shrugs it off.

[BYOSnowman]

The thing with anxiety - especially if you have had it a long time - is that you get into your routines and what you can and can't do. It can make you appear inflexible and rude as it is not something you would readily admit to -easier to come up with an excuse.

Of course I don't know what his job is but if it is something that he feels safe in the anxiety could just be manifesting in social situations- especially where he feels watched by strangers.

If it has been going on a long time it might not be easy to admit to himself let alone others.

Is he a loving and caring father/grandfather when you are with him?

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

Um no that's not normal. And you are right to want a reasonable explanation - not that 'it's not his thing'. It all sounds quite emotionally abusive tbh. And like your dm is enabling it.

Are you sure you dd having a relationship with someone who basically won't do ANYTHING for others is necessarily in her best interests?

[Luna2016]

When I was younger one of the main reasons he never came to anything was either work, or he was at work the day before/day after so was tired, which as a adult i understand can be stress full. For example, last week it was my oldest sisters 30th birthday and he took her and her parter and children on holiday, along with my mum.

It just hurts me how he could go away for days, but douse't want to come to my wedding. I know this can sound like a jealousy thing, but I just really want my dad to be there and the though of him not being there is killing me.

[HeddaGarbled]

How horrible for you and how horrible of him. Would you not think of asking your mum to walk you down the aisle? Sounds like she's been your true parent.

And I think I'd give up with taking your daughter to see him. There are only so many chances you should give him to act like a proper father and I think he's just blown it now.

I know it's hard and sad, but you have plenty of other people in your life who care about you: your mum, your daughter, your fiancé, even your fiance's step-dad. Your daughter can manage without one rubbish granddad.

[Luna2016]

BYOSnowman, He is a loving farther but he's alway done stuff with my sibling rather than with me. Because the other had more time spent with them, he used to buy me stuff almost to make up for it. So i came of as the spoilt child, but I'd have done anything to have had the time spent with him rather than the stuff being bought for me.

For the wedding he tried to pay for a lot of stuff and me and my parter refused as it's our wedding and we should pay for it.

[Luna2016]

I guess the biggest thing I'm scared of is if I'm the one who stops making the effort that one day he's not going to be there and I'll regret it.

My partner never really saw his real dad and tried to make it up with him, but he passed away before he could and even now he feels terrible about it. I guess I just don't want to end up being in the same positions.

[Chinesealan]

He probably has a very low key routine in his daily life and can't face/can't be bothered with the upset to this.
He might be selfish/lack empathy. He probably go together with your mum at a time when people accepted the man's decisions without much questioning. Your mum has lived with this and not greatly challenged it so now he feels no compulsion to do any different.
All that said it really is bizarre to so casually dismiss the possibility of attending your daughter's wedding. I'd have one more go at speaking to him face to Face and frankly telling him how it's making you feel. If he still can't see it, you'll need to accept it. It's not your fault. Families can be weird.

[blueberrypie0112]

Have you Tried asking your dad personally?

Is he an alcoholic? It's common pattern I see , like my dad.I learned that I have to ask him personally , face to face, that I would like him to be there. And he typically does, and sober too.

[mumndad37]

I hope you can get him to come, but if he doesn't, you can tell yourself you tried, and this is something lacking in HIM, not you. Blueberry may have a point, too; my Dad will not do some things unless I ask him face-to-face, and the rest of it I know he doesn't do because he's just not made that way. He loses out.

[Luna2016]

I asked him 4 times, My patterns spoke to him one to one and my mums even spoke to him. And no he's not a alcoholic, He's never drank alcohol that I know of.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

He night be a loving father to your sibling but he isn't one to you. That's his choice, not something you've done. He sounds very damaged and if you were to withdraw you would be able to protect yourself from that damage which will, in turn, be passed onto you. And to your dd. If someone wasn't interested in my children no fucking way would I expose them to that person.

[Luna2016]

The invitation I even put it in my daughter hand to give to him thinking something would click, But it hasn't. I'm just worried on the day of the wedding I'm not going to enjoy it knowing he's not there. I've told him how I feel and even wrote it down and gave it to him but still nothing. It's like he doesn't care.

[blueberrypie0112]

My dad started doing less when he developed health issues. But if it something he always done, then there is nothing you can do.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Not trying to insult you, or be horrid or anything, but are you sure he's your Dad?

[Luna2016]

I guess I'm just holding on to the hope of if i keep trying something will change.

[Luna2016]

TinklyLittleLaugh, Yes I'm sure he's my dad. Trust me I've asked that question before, even thought I was adopted at one point because of how different I was treated.

[ParadiseCity]

Is your wedding somewhere he doesn't want to go to? Abroad?

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

Why would something change?

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

One of my children is adopted. Like I say if anyone treated her like he has your dd they wouldn't be seeing her again.

[Luna2016]

The wedding it literally up the street from there house. You could walk there in less than a minuet .

[ladygracie]

Would your sister be able to speak to him? Is that likely to make any difference? I'm not surprised you're upset, it's a very upsetting situation.

[BYOSnowman]

What do your siblings think of both the way you are treated and this?