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Is divorce on the cards?

(1 Post)
Albadross Sun 24-Apr-16 11:16:07

I've just returned to MN after a long hiatus, but before I went everyone told me not to get married. Well, I did get married, only 6 months ago now, and already divorce is possibly on the cards. I feel as ridiculous as this sounds.

I've been with DH for 6 years and we have a 3 year old DS. We recently bought a house in a new town where I know nobody, which we bought without me having seen and forged my signatures on all the sale documents (with my knowledge). I just felt grateful he was handling it really because I was struggling to stay on top of my job. Again, utterly ridiculous, but I felt led into this decision because it was a kind of open day, must get your offers in now think as sellers are twitchy and DH swore it was a house not to be missed. I went to see it a couple of weekends ago finally and had an extremely awkward first viewing shown around by sellers who were literally open-mouthed when I explained I'd never seen it. Needless to say I wasn't in love with the house and now I feel like I'm giving up my last ever chance to own in London to move to a house decorated like the 90s that needs a hell of a lot of work doing with rooms all much smaller than I thought. I was feeling very anxious and negative about it afterwards, and that caused an argument obviously.

So as not to drip feed, here's some backstory - during last year I was ill (I've had more than one mental illness for over 20 years now) and wasn't up to making decisions, so after a 5 year engagement (again there's a huge backstory around that because we've been to hell and back through not fault of either of us) DH finally organised a wedding, which was a wonderful day but even as I walked up the aisle I didn't feel I was in control of anything. I want our DS to have a stable home and at the time I thought this was a reason to go through with it even with the problems we had. Yes I know, you don't fix a relationship with a wedding, but the fallout from pulling out of it would've been more than I could deal with.

Things got not a lot better, and then because DH works away a lot so I'm a solo parent much of the time, we (or he) decided to move to the town where he works so he could spend more time at home and take an equal part in childcare. I wasn't 100% sold on this but as the housing market was on the up we made a huge profit on our flat in London and I wanted more space for DS. My job luckily allows me to work from home so I'd only go into London a couple of times a week, which I also really need to maintain my mental health as much as possible. I have some reservations about becoming isolated but I felt it was best for DS with schools etc.

So now we're about to move and I'm not feeling great about it funnily enough. DH of course knows about my MH but a few days ago told me he thinks it's exaggerated and I use it as an excuse, bringing it into everything. I tried to explain that it's involved in everything because it affects everything I do, and has begun causing increasing issues for me in every facet of life. A couple of times he's 'joked' that I'd never get custody because of it.

Anyway, now he's started talking about divorce, saying we're in a sexless marriage and that he's read a lot of stuff online about that spelling the end of a marriage. He said he's got 'actual depression' because of this. I was raped about 12 years ago repeatedly by an ex who then stalked me for months, and I've only quite recently begun to talk about this in therapy, which I sought again after 10 years avoiding it. Apart from this rape I've also been sexually assaulted more than once during periods of my life where I was particularly vulnerable due to my MH. DH now says me going back to therapy is the reason our relationship is going down the tubes, despite me trying to explain that I went because I wanted to be the best person I can for DS and avoid passing on my issues to him the way my DM did with me. I stupidly thought he'd be able to understand that being raped makes sex difficult for me, and it's only through talking about what happened that I've finally realised I don't have to force myself to do it to make someone love me.

I'm terrified of several things, which may or may not be ridiculous (I use that word a lot don't I?) - the idea of having to lose DS to DH, or only being with him half the time after solo parenting so much, the idea of having to start again with the housing ladder in a town I don't know that isn't where I work, telling people that after 6 months we're divorcing, losing all the friends because they were his first, losing my mind again because my MH is so fragile anyway, being alone forever because I'm 36 and my body has really suffered (plus I don't want to be sexual with anyone right now), DS being torn because we both parent very differently and our ideas on diet and cleanliness are worlds apart, and a multitude of other things.

I guess I just need to talk about this with some people who are completely removed from the situation....

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