Is this is it?

[olddogsnewtricks]

I feel bad for writing this when others have such important worries. My DH isn't terrible by any means but I am at the stage now (12 years together) when I have realised he isn't going to get any better and doesn't want to and I feel really down about it.

For example - he doesn't listen to me a lot of the time (even on basic things like locking the front door - I have asked him hundreds of times to do this if he gets in later than me - this morning it was unlocked).

Yesterday we had a big row because he told me we would be going out on Saturday morning but he stayed in bed till late. He agreed that he would be up early today to take the kids out (I am abroad it is 9am here) so I could do some studying I have to do. He is still in bed so I guess that is not happening either. He is really keen to stay together forever but importantly he loves the status quo, I don't - he doesn't seem to want to do anything to even meet me half way but expects me to be happy anyway. He knows I don't like living here and am only staying because he refuses to move (for quite reasonable reasons!) but won't change anything about our day-to-day lives to help me feel better about living here.

I am the only one who makes any effort at all to make birthdays or holidays nice - I want our children to have happy memories. Left to his own devices I doubt whether he would organize anything or tbh even talk to them. I know these sound really petty arguments but it all really boils down to the fact that he makes me feel really rubbish about myself and the thought of another few decades of this really depresses me.

[Triliteral]

It doesn't sound petty to me, it sounds like he doesn't respect you at all and it must be deeply demoralising.

What do yo want to happen? If you need to find ways to leave, I'm sure you will get good advice here.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

[olddogsnewtricks]

Thanks! Just realised that I am in the same situation (more or less) as the woman on the "incompetent husband" thread! Seems it is a common problem.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I was also going to suggest you read that thread about strategic incompetence on the H's part as well. It may well help you. I also think your H does not care at all about listening to you or you being able to study (he stayed in bed so you could not do that easily). What would happen if you went and got him out of bed?. He gets what he wants out of this (he has someone i.e. you to look after him) and has you running around doing all the work as well. But what is in this for you now, why are you and he still together at all?.

I would also think that he is simply replicating the relationship his own parents have.

How does your H interact with his children or is there really no interaction?. What sort of a relationship do they have with him?.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships, just what are they learning here?. If you are now at the point where you are thinking that another few decades with him depresses you I would suggest you make plans to leave sooner rather than years later. Such men as you have seen do not change.