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Anyone else living with a manchild?(18 Posts)
I'm so bloody fed up.
I should probably put a disclaimer that DH is a, generally, lovely man. He's a wonderful father to our DCs and even puts up with the crap that ASD DS1 (from my previous relationship) brings.
However, he is increasingly pissing me off. He has absolutely no idea what goes in to 'running' our family. He goes to work, comes home, plays with the kids, cooks sometimes, puts them to bed and repeat.
He is the higher earner but I also work and the difference isn't huge.
He has absolutely no input in our finances. I control/handle the whole lot. He doesn't seem to have the slightest idea that things cost money ever! This month he's bought new trainers because his 'looked worn' . He's complained because he hasn't had the Star Wars Blu Ray the day it came out, his PlayStation subscription lapsed. He has a (for us) expensive hobby, this costs £80 a month.
I feel guilty because I've ordered contact lenses for myself and haven't replaced my work shoes that had holes in because I can't find the money to!
Our 'spends' are all on a joint credit card and he doesn't have access to the bills account
because he'd spend it
The main problem with this is that this month he's been underpaid from work. He's spoken to his boss who says he'll just have to wait. He hasn't bothered escalating this at all. He seems not to give a single fuck because he knows he'll be able to guilt me into making sure he gets what he wants whilst I struggle to fucking feed us all on what's left. If I tell him to fuck the hobby off for a month, and that actually we can't buy him a car so he'll have to sort something else out because I want my car back, he'll flip.
It's not fair. I'm so trapped and miserable. He's not making me happy anymore and I don't think I'm making him particularly happy either at the moment because I just don't like him. We can't split though, I could afford it but he wouldn't even be able to rent a place where he could have the kids. It's shit.
I would let him flip to be honest. This type of behaviour will eat away at you.
Can you make your income separate but have deriect debits for bill and food etc so he can't get away without paying?
I wouldn't fancy a man still into superhero type shit at this age but I did have money issues with dh when we first lived together and I could see how it could break up a marriage
Two things spring to mind: would he understand if you explained to him in detail how you are managing the money and what you go without in order to make ends meet? I think people can fall in to an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality with anything that their partner takes care of, including money. Obv they "shouldn't" but they do. So see how he responds to a calm explanation (if you've not tried already)
Second which may or may not be linked: he's your DP and stepfather to your other child. It's his role to parent all the children in your household. I don't think you need to be tempering your gripes about him with 'but he does put up with the crap from my DC who is not even his' [i paraphrase!]. I understand completely why this is in your head, but I wonder if this gratitude is leading you to make allowances for inconsiderate behaviour elsewhere....
He doesn't sound like a man-child, he sounds like a willful sabotager to me.
He has an EIGHTY QUID a month hobby and you can't afford new and much-needed shoes? Fuck that!
Have you considered taking away the credit-card and giving him his monthly discretionary spends in cash instead? If he's going to behave like a child, why don't you treat him like one and dole out his pocket-money to him on a Friday? In front of your children.
Better yet, get shot of him
He is paying, meerkat. All of his wages get used for bills and he doesn't get to touch it. He absolutely is financially contributing he just doesn't have a concept of where it goes. He's in his 30s and never actually had a budget to run any home. He was in a fucking state when we got together, indeed we moved in together through his necessity more than anything else. I did and still do adore him, but this is so hard. I don't want to be his mother, I have enough DCs as it is.
I used to do it that way, Bitter Until recently I took what needed to go to family funds, left him with 'spends' and that was it. I hated it in the end, felt like his mother then too!
I'm not sure that it's wilful sabotage, he's not maliciously inclined at all, just fucking clueless!
Deep down I don't want to LTB, he's a good guy and we've fought hard to get where we are
I wouldn't want to give MIL the satisfaction either but I can't do this.
He never fucking listens to me either. I'll tell him something and then when it comes to it he's 'forgotten' or I didn't tell him at all when I know I fucking did. Drives me mental.
I'm not perfect though. I've completely lost libido which is bothering him (he's not pressuring at all, and he won't, but I know his is still there) I'm miserable a lot of the time through stress and DC1 is seriously, seriously hard work. I've lost sparkle.
I get you. Well maybe you both need hobby money. so say the 80 quid subscription thing... You both get 40 quid spends and he has to downgrade type of thing.
I can't imagine how annoying it is though.
I think this is truly very difficult for you BettyApple. I would suggest you
write all your budget out all, as you understand it then show your husband.
Make sure that some money A.is set aside for work shoes, contact lenses etc alongside all other essential needs including the childrens' - as well as some enjoyments for the whole family.
Have all the bills B put on to direct debits or standing orders that come out of a set account that he does not have a card for.
Then, he should not have a credit card. So get him to see that, as you just cannot afford it or the interest on it if it osn't paid, and get him to agree to cutting that up.
Instead, C. he could have an account for his toys, trainers and hobby that only has money put in after the money for A & B has been used.
We can't afford for me to have a hobby. We can't afford his to be quite honest but it's his only social activity and its relatively new so I'd feels bad making him stop. He can half the cost by doing half the time... He hasn't though.
I say it's a credit card, it is, but it's a very low limit and paid in full every month. It's the card all the food shopping, kids stuff comes off etc. We both have access because he had to keep asking me to send him a tenner for bits we needed from the shop on the way home and it was soul destroying for us both. There's no debt risk with it
we're in enough of that as it is
It's all just shit really. I appreciate the thoughts and advice, thank you.
"He never fucking listens to me either. I'll tell him something and then when it comes to it he's 'forgotten' or I didn't tell him at all when I know I fucking did."
He's gas-lighting you. That's an extremely cruel and abusive thing to be doing to you.
"Drives me mental."
I'm not surprised! Is he vague about other things? Does he forget to go to work or about other stuff that impacts on him only?
If he's not being consciously abusive, he's being an outright twat to you.
And I'm not surprised your libido has gone out of the window. Having to mother a grown adult is the very opposite of sexy.
I wonder if he has really been underpaid, or if he has spent some of his wages on something else.
You should send him on a money management course.
He does forget, because he's not listening to me in the first place. Fucking rude.
He's definitely being underpaid, his payslip is available a week before payday, so he's had sight of it (and shown me) this week. I'd notice anyway, I know his online banking details to see it go in.
He never forgets work or anything like that, it's just the amount of times I'll say 'we need to do/pay for/fix such and such' and he'll deny all previous knowledge.
He's a selfish twat, who's at best ignoring stuff he doesn't want to hear because it doesn't suit him or at worst gas-lighting you.
Either way, it ain't sexy and it ain't fair.
I'd never be with a man who I had to parent like this. These things don't get better and they can get much, much worse.
That's why I go t run our finances like you do.
We have no joint finances. The bills are paid and the remainder is 50/50 into our seperate current accounts.
That way we have equal spending power and don't need to explain/justify/calculate throughout the month what if fair.
There's there way on this earth I'd ever have a joint account with DH as our attitudes to money and our spending patterns are so different.
My husband love his games too. It doesn't really bother me though, as I feel everyone have a hobby that they enjoy ,or something where they can escape from ,even if it is expensive. I know guys who like to fix muscle cars/watch sports/fishing/etc. One guy uses to collect trains. We girls have do something that can be expensive too...shopping is one thing, or in my case, sewing.
What I never did like is when I told my husband to cut back some and it got into a small arguments and he was like "at least I am not one of those guys who go to bars and drink" he was referring to stress at work and wanting to play game when he get home. ugh!
He did agree that we should cut back Even get rid of satellite tv even it means he will not watch his favorite sport.
My soon-to-be ex-husband is exactly like this (and its part of the reason why he is ex). He refused point blank to take responsibility for ANYTHING in thw house except for spending money on things he liked. He expected me to be the grown-up in the relationship - in fact he expected me to be his mum, really - and it was unbelievably unsexy. I resented him bitterly, stopped sleeping with him, and finally chucked himout in July last year. Its been horrible, and very stressful, but i am happier than I have ever, ever been.
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