So my husband is going to leave me.....

[CopperKettle11]

I don't really want to go into the emotional side of it all and just want practical advice. Been together 12 years, married for 6. Have 2 DC under 5. I gave up my (very) well paid job to be a SAHM. House in joint names, joint bank account etc. I'm 99% sure he will ask for a divorce. My only instinct at the moment is to protect the kids so they don't have to move house / school / pre school etc.....what do I do and where on earth do I start? Anyone had similar experience?

[Standalittletaller]

Yes and I had to sell the house.

Everyone's situation is different so you need legal advice re mortgage, pensions, savings, career prospects, other assets.

It also depends on how amicable the split is. Mine was nasty and ex would have seen me and dc homeless (literally.)

[Standalittletaller]

As for what do you do and where do you start, I would start with a solicitor. Then you can start thinking about your options and making a plan. Don't panic for the moment as that won't be overnight and all the finances, child contact and living arrangements etc are sorted alongside the divorce.

[TangledUpInGin]

Go see a solicitor. Plan for the worst, but hope for the best

[Guiltypleasures001]

Ducks in a row

If he's just told,you then he might have already got somethings together for himself
Also possibly another woman

So passports yours and the kids birth certificates copies of paper work for mortgage
Bank accounts everything that's in joint names and proof of earnings for him and pensions

There's a whole page on here telling you all of this someone will be along shortly to point you to it

So sorry you've had such a shock lovely ga,e face on and tell him nothing

[Guiltypleasures001]

Game face

[CopperKettle11]

Thank you so much for the advice. Will certainly get paperwork in order and get an appointment to see a solicitor. At the moment he's saying he won't do anything to disrupt the kids' lives but time will tell.

[Dungandbother]

I'm the queen of practical.

Money, if you have joint accounts then freeze it, move half of your savings somewhere to your name only.

Get as much paperwork as you can, statements, mortgage, marriage certificate, birth certificates, all bills and just put them somewhere safe.

Search through his stuff. Especially his payslips, recent or his P60. Get copies of all his papers then put them back, copies of as much of his stuff as poss.

I expect there is someone else for his sudden behaviour. He is currently on Mr Guilty but it won't last. So get the proof of his earnings.

Don't argue with him. Disengage. I know you want to scream why why why at him. He won't tell you. He made choices and you weren't invited to discuss them. So now you do the same. Make your choices to move your life forward without discussing them with him. Use Mn and friends but do t bother talking to him. Ignore him, put all communication on email. Don't txt unless it's pick DC up at 5pm. Be dignified and kill him with kindness. Even though you will at moments hate him more than you thought hate possible.

The solicitor when you get there will want to know all the money stuff, equity in house, cars, credit cards, debts. Has he got secret credit cards, his own bank account? It goes both ways that his debt is your debt. As well as assets.

Divorce is a long process. To petition (be the one who requests) you pay a court fee of £400 ish. Lawyers fees are another £4-600+ so just to petition with a lawyer is over £1000. Generally. The other person is the respondent (replies to the request of divorce).
There is little point is accusing him of all sorts as then the lawyers earn more in discussing your wrong doings in letters. So be amicable with him over your grounds for divorce. Unreasonable behaviour that your communication has broken down and the marriage is irrecoverably damaged is plenty enough.

If you argue via lawyers then expect large lawyer bills. Get to mediation (cost around £300-1000 depending how quickly you can agree) and then both present your lawyers with your findings.

If you can't agree and he is stitching you up, then your lawyer can attempt to get him round by writing to his lawyer. Ultimately if it doesn't work you apply for a court hearing (must go to mediation first). Court costs a lot. Judge makes a decision and everyone sticks to it.

Within the paperwork of divorce you should have lawyer make a court order to detail the agreement of money and contact for the children. It's not necessary but safer for the children in the long run. So for example, he pays £X every month until oldest is 18. Then £X till youngest is 18.
If he deviates you get it fixed quicker, and if he wants to change it he has to apply to the court again.

So petition for a nisi (ends the marriage) and then send for an absolute (when everyone is happy with the finances and childcare).

Don't stay with a lawyer you don't like, go talk to a few, pay them if need be to meet them and take their advice.

If money is really tight then good luck. Try to find a lawyer who will give you free advice. Ultimately that's a sales proposition. My lawyer is quiet, factual direct, concise and particular, he suits me!

Sorry so long!

[CopperKettle11]

Thank you Dung - that is very helpful. I'm going to collate all paperwork tomorrow and contact a couple of solicitors.

[HeddaGarbled]

This may be helpful:

www.judiciary.gov.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/fjc-financial-needs-april-16-final.pdf

[LineyReborn]

My ExH did this to me. I borrowed money to buy him out of the house. I paid surprising little - he needed the cash for a new deposit and I didn't try to go after his pension.

I was working, which helped a lot, and childcare tax credits paid about 70% of my childcare costs. I got other tax credits, too, plus child benefit and child support.

ExH turned nasty but that was his guilt talking. You learn to detach and MN is a great resource.

Good luck

[mummytime]

Try to get as much from him while he's feeling guilty.
And take care of yourself. Easy meals. Keep eating, drinking liquids and dervish. Stay healthy.

[NathalieM]

When my parents split, they sold the house they shared and bought new properties with the profits. The key was keeping everything amicable, which made both of their lives easier; me and my sister stayed at the same school, same town, but moved house.